NTs (the good guys) and Aspies (the problem)

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http://www.aspia.org.au/pdf/AS_Marriage_brochure.pdf

I was shocked to discover this. Basically it is a list of reasons why NTs are superior to aspies, but presented as a serious academic document. To be fair, the parent site declares its purpose as "validation" for partners of aspies, so the entire document (indeed, the entire site) can be replaced with five words in bold type "it is all his fault."

Now admittedly my aspergers is not severe, so perhaps some aspies are a real burden, but in my experience almost all of the complaints can be equally aimed at the NT side: NTs can be very controlling, unaware of problems, see help as a personal attack, etc. Common decency and respect for my ex's feelings prevents me from going into details. It is a pity that the creators of that site lack such empathy.

My current GF is concerned about the "us versus them" attitude on some AS sites, but I have never seen it so clearly as in this leaflet and others like it. It reminds me of an old pamphlet I used to own, from the 1940s, sensitively titled "The Negro Problem." As any racist will tell you, the statistics are clear, and clearly the minority is the one at fault.

seems like a very long way to say "you don't want someone with AS, to much baggage".

OK - WTF?!

It does indeed suggest 'it is all his fault'. I did not see a single suggestion on how to work with a partner with AS. How is pointing out all those faults in the most negative light possible in anyway supportive?

Just another club dedicated to bitching and little else.

Unless you like getting mad, don't Google "Cassandra Syndrome".

The tone and spelling and grammar errors make it seem rather unprofessional. I understand the gist of what they're aiming for, I think, but it just comes off as silly as presented.

I did do this awhile ago and it took me awhile to apply that to the NT spouses. I thought it more closely matched my experiences - people don't believe me. Doctors don't beleive me - often dismissing my complaints. It is rampant and pervasive and, so far, life long. Hell, when I was in labor and told them it was time to push they didn't beleive me because 'if its time to push you wouldn't be able to tell us... you'd be in too much pain'. Hmmmm... well, I was in excruiating pain - I WAS in labor - but becasue I wasn't screaming like a loon I was somehow mistaken.

I've theorized that because I do not have the expected emotional or facial expressions peopel tend to disregard the words - since half of the 'meaning' is missing for them. I thought I was the one suffering from Cassandra Syndrome.

I wish AS on everybody - for just one day.

Families are suffering because of their autistic children. NT spouses are suffering becasue their AS spouse doesn't intuitively know what they want or mean... Seriously - never a SINGLE THOUGHT what it must be like to be the one WITH the disorder. Aren't we supposed to be the ones with poor empathy skills?

I noticed this part in the "Benefits of attending a Support Group" section:

The NT author is partnered with an aspie, which explains the "It's all HIS fault" bias.

What drives me crazy is that NT single people are suffering - all the Eleanor Rigbys of the world, supposedly crying themselves to sleep because they are so lonely, and millions of intelligent sensitive, high functioning AS men are desperate to love and serve them, deeply and intensely and forever. Yet we are pariahs. Why? Because of the grossest possible crime: we sometimes need to be told what to do.

It beggar belief. We need words: that is our only crime. All the other problems are solved once we have that. Want me to go to a social function? Fine, just tell me what to do. Want me to look your friends in the eye? No problem. Just tell me. Everything else I can do, and better than your other partners: I work, I love, I have great conversation, I make her laugh, I can build and fix and inspire and understand and be there, I am loyal and faithful and tall and healthy and all that other stuff, but... I have to sometimes be told stuff. Oh the horror.

Today the girlfriend I am crazy about is having serious second thoughts after Googling all these aspie horror stories They all say "aspies are very romantic at dating but then they become these catatonic burdens and your life becomes hell." A claim with no statistical validity, built on selection bias and nothing more. So instead my GF will likely either stay alone forever, or find another man lie her previous partners - either brain dead or he cheats on her. Because that is so much better than having someone you have to talk to. Ain't love wonderful?

Can you ask her to give you a chance to get to know each other's characters in enough depth so she can decide for herself on the evidence of what you are like, rather than what some random internet site pronounces? After all, you are not both stereotypes but individual people.

That leaflet also seems to be exclusively directed at female NT/AS male pairings, So much for diversity of experience.

Update: as of one hour ago she's OK with it. I tend to panic a lot inside. I met this girl online a few weeks ago, and every week she just gets more amazing and too good to be true. First, before I saw her picture, I fell in love with her mind - she's incredibly smart (professional scientist) and has a lot of the same crazy interests as me. And her personality -she comes from the area where I grew up. Then I saw some small pictures of her on the beach - the most amazing body. Then I saw a good pic of her face - the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Then I met her in real life and she's sweeter and lovelier than you can imagine. How she looks, her accent, how she moves... I got it really baaaaddddddd. Whenever the smallest problem comes up I always think "this is the end - I knew it couldn't last" and I log on to WP and wail about how miserable I am and how unfair life is. Then she emails and whatever I was worrying about last turns out to be OK. She's even wondering if she is on the autism spectrum as well! She is so unbelievable she is off the scale, so you can forgive me if I constantly expect the worst. I think people on this site will understand.

I couldn't agree more.

And that brochure is just ridiculous. According to that it seems like we all should wear a huge warning sign: "Beware! I have AS. Don't come close or I'll make your life a living hell!" Poor poor NTs...

Is it any wonder why I never want to be a partner or a parent?

It seems like all people do is talk crap about us.

Read this link:

http://autisticbfh.blogspot.com/2008/09 ... -scam.html

This is more pervasive and deeper than AS. It's an attitude about relationships with disabled people in general. I've seen some pretty awful statements about spouses with ADHD in the recent past. I mean, downright abusive nastiness because just knowing one has ADHD isn't enough to make the ADHD go away, and why can't they just try harder and what do you mean they need support and help to do it?

And I read something the other day that suggested that people with any psychological disorder shouldn't have a relationship because they're incapable of loving themselves or other people. And I mean, the things people say about their disabled spouses and partners are just horrendous and awful.

Admittedly, I'm not sure how many people tried to invent a diagnosis from whole cloth based other than CADS.

I'd like to see if this standard holds true when the NT partner gets cancer, or ends up in a wheelchair from an accident or ends up crippled by a major depression. It is considered reprehensible and sickening when a man decided that breast cancer and a one breasted wife wasn't what he signed up for and gets divorced. A woman would be villianized like a Disney witch if she walked out on a husband crippled in an accident on the job because that wasn't the life she wanted. I'm really not sure why it is ok to suddenly get downright EVIL in regards to a mental disorder or illness and everyone thinks that is not only understandable but justified.

And pointing it out REALLY pisses them off. I did this on a spousal support board for bipolar awhile ago. It was downright ugly with the responses I got. And it's not like a flamed them - I politely and diplomatically stated my point. they outright accused me of being a bipolar troll because a real spouse would understand. How can hate run that deep and in so much denial?

The third bullet point on the first page seems to be saying that one spouse experiencing or seeing things differently with different priorities is preventing co-operation and teamwork.

That seems like a weird thing for them to say if it's actually saying that. I realize more, sometimes I misunderstand things though.

Empathy, which I understand to be "perspective taking", sure seems to deteriorate when encountering people who experience and see things differently.

I took it as saying not understanding or seeing the perspective of the AS spouse.