People say the most infuriating things- I'm just annoyed

Post Reply New Topic

I know this has been the subject of many a similar rant post but I need to rant. I just had an exchange with a relative and I am just a little annoyed.

I was really excited about discovering the articles we talked about last night on this thread, the one about breathing issues. I emailed those articles to some friends and family and told them how excited I was to finally be understanding what could be the reason for many of the issues that I have and have grown up with as an Autistic person. If you read the thread you will see what I am talking about.

Anyway, this person wrote back and said, I am not making direct quotes so I won't use quotation marks, but anyway, this person said that for the past year I have been researching everything I can about Autism, (this is not true, it's been about three and half years now, not one. I have had my official diagnosis exactly one year but I have been researching Autism for as long as I have known I was on the Spectrum which has been since I was unofficially diagnosed, not even self diagnosed, but unofficially diagnosed three and half years ago. I have no problem with self diagnosed people, I only said "not self diagnosed" for accuracy.)

But this person said, the more research you do about symptoms it's not going to help you and the more you look at symptoms the more you will subjectively find them in yourself and that will limit you. I suggest that you stop researching and pick up your life and do the best you can with the years you have left. As an HFA there are things that you can do and you should look on the internet and see what they are. When I (the person talking) found out I had whatever (I don't want to say because it's that person's medical private stuff) that I did not know I had, (the person found out by chance when they were treating something else and what they found is not serious and does not affect the person's life in any way) I was worried but then I put that aside and just went on with my life like before.

So I wrote back to the person and explained that Autism is not something that is similar to what the person mentioned they had. I explained that one of the reasons I am educating myself is that I have been Autistic all my life and suffered from the effects of the traits and symptoms without any idea why I was suffering and not understanding why. And that this is the first time now that I know that I am Autistic that I am understanding a lot of the physiological reasons for why we have the issues we have. I explained that it this is very important and actually empowering because knowing how our bodies and brains work enable us to work better with our bodies and brains and not do things that will harm us like we did before when we had no idea what was happening to us. It's not like my life all of a sudden changed because I got diagnosed. I am going about my life just like I was before. It's just that now I am educating myself so that I can protect my body and brain better as I go about my life.

And this assumption that just because we read about stuff, we are automatically going to subjectively make them about ourselves, that's just crazy. I know that some people actually have a real issue and a real disorder and they do that. But they are few and far between and just because some people have that disorder does not mean that every single person who has something and researches will automatically start claiming all the issues with that thing if they are not actually affected just because they became educated about it. With that logic, doctors who have any kind of condition themselves would find themselves in a lot of deep ****. I think most mature people are capable of researching a topic which affects them and not just grab on to every little detail about it that does not affect them.

So I told the person that I am mature enough as an almost 50 year old person to be able to research and know and understand which traits apply to me and which don't and I am not going to be subjectively adopting traits and symptoms just because I am reading about some. I don't need to be more Autistic than I already am. It's hard enough as it is.

Then I reminded this person who has known me since I was born, of tons of examples which show that I have had these traits and symptoms all my life and that I am not just subjectively adopting them because I am reading about them on the internet now. And after my long list of past evidences the only thing the person said was that I should stop living in the past and find a psychologist to help me move on from the unhappy memories and learn to live my life as a high functioning Autistic person researching what an HFA can and can't do so that I can learn to do the things HFAs can do and have a happy life.

????????????????????

Would this conversation have bothered anyone else here or is it just me?

Last edited by skibum on 01 Nov 2015, 2:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.

That is absolutely infuriating.

I had a friend who took that attitude when I was first diagnosed. We are no longer friends.

I'm so sorry you were subjected to such ignorance and lack of compassion.

Awwww...skibum! It's so f*****g frustrating when people do that.

But there will be other people who have known you for a long time who will be less cynical I hope.

Thank you Ashariel. Hearing your opinion on this makes me feel a lot better.


Babybird, Thank you!

Definitely feeling better about that conversation now.

When people say things like that it's ridiculously annoying. Sadly there is nothing you can do about the stupidity of other people.

I didn't totally understand what you wrote but I've had many similarly frustrating exchanges and hard as it is to do I am trying not to try to persuade beyond a certain point and just say what I will do and thank you for your ideas.

Ignorance in someone whose mind is closed is infuriating and any argument seems to just encourage them. Plus I know a lot of people when they say ridiculous things they don't even think through how it will affect others and an argument sometimes just encourages them. It's hard but IMO it's better to rant here and hopefully feel respected but not to give dignity to someone being disrespectful.

And also they ought to have a bit of understanding because skibum is quite newly diagnosed. Of course she's going to be enthusiastic about new discoveries about herself.

People ought to exercise a bit of patience sometimes. It might be their turn one day.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now skibum.

Thank you Tetris and Waterfalls. Waterfalls, you are absolutely right. Sometimes it's just not worth the energy, breath to speak or cyberspace to fill to try to have a conversation with people like that. Makes me not want to share any more cool discoveries about Autism with that person.

You are right Babybird, thank you. I also told the person that if anyone has anything they should research it. Why wouldn't they? I think that would just be natural to want to learn about what you have. Maybe some people would not but that's okay too. I think the person I talked to just makes no sense at all.

Am I the only one here who didn't find it infuriating?

I see both perspectives. One can do research on a condition and then exaggerate their symptoms and make the symptoms fit them but then again if you get diagnosed with something, you will want to read more about it.

I guess some people would rather not do research on their own condition after being diagnosed with it and some people are just happy to be willfully ignorant about themselves because they don't want to read what is wrong with them and what things they do are not normal. Some people just don't like to hear what is wrong with them and what things they do that are not normal. I sure didn't wanna hear all that about me in 6th grade because I wanted to be normal so the last thing I would want is being told what things are not right about me and what things I do that are not right. My mom has actually had patients who didn't want to learn about their medical condition after finding out about it. They only wanted to know what they should do. Some people are just happy that way because looking it up will just scare them and give them anxiety and not be able to enjoy life. Perhaps the person could have been one of these people so she can't understand why anyone would want to read about it.

I totally see your perspective. And it is very valid and understandable. I think in this particular case though it's annoying. If it had been a stranger I would have been like, ok, whatever, and not been bothered. But this person is not a stranger and has claimed to be one of my biggest supporters and is a very close relative. And I don't think I have given this person any reason to think that I am just looking for symptoms to latch onto. This person has also been alongside this process from day one and knows every detail and even takes the liberties to announce to others without my permission, knowledge, or consent that I am Autistic and that I am doing this and that and that my life is wonderful. So in that respect, I would have expected a different response from this particular person than the one I got. But I know for sure that not everyone will respond to a diagnosis like I did in this case.

I can respect anyone else's responses to their own diagnosis and I can support them with however they are handling it. I just thought this person would do the same for me. I don't think I have shown any evidence of just piling on symptoms just because I am reading about them or shown any evidence that my life has come to a screeching halt because I now have a confirmation and a reason for everything I have been through. What I have done though since my research is to be much more vigilant of my body's signals and be honest to people about when I can't do this or that or when I am not well enough to speak to them rather than pushing myself beyond my limits. I have also become open about when sounds bother me or things that I might need. If anything I have been able to now, in some ways, do more than before because I am learning how my body works and how to respect it. And this person has seen all that. But I still do all the things I have always done and still do my best to have a great life.

But I do get what you are saying and I know that many people have different responses and each person's response should be respected. Maybe that is the real underlying problem. I don't feel like this person is respecting my response even though our history says they should.

Last edited by skibum on 01 Nov 2015, 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hahaha I just had to quote this part for stupidity:

"I suggest that you stop researching and pick up your life and do the best you can with the years you have left. As an HFA there are things that you can do and you should look on the internet and see what they are."

Stop researching and... um... Research!

LOL!! ! OMG!! REALLY???! BRILLIANT!! ! Totally makes no sense at all! At least you made my day highlighting that one.

Well done Ashariel.

That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.

I read your post......Oooo, that reply is nauseating and so misguided. Sorry you have to put up with that. There's no way out, but distance yourself from that nonsense. I've fell into the pit of futility by attempting to explain, explain, explain....to no avail.

Courteously excuse yourself, just tell them you're not interested in their input (see quote below).*

To share a relatively recent experience where I got burned: I've been working beyond super hard (x10) and experiencing a hardship beyond my control. Yes, I'll be ok, & I'm maintaining a positive outlook and all, but this transition is undoubtedly tough. (Re: Finding my position - I'm a scientist). Confided in one who just didn't get it. I got loaded-up with misguided 'advice' (which I don't need/want) and even, "once you let go of your negative mindset you'll manifest your dreams." "You really have to focus" and, “you need clarity.” Demeaning and insulting. Gag.

*“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” – Roosevelt

Wait... what?

I can't even... what? That's less infuriating for me to read than just straight-up confusing. It's like saying that playing Super Mario Brothers will make you want to go jump on turtles and dive into pipes. The logic doesn't follow unless you were unable to differentiate between what you were reading and your own reality.

Yeah, some people can buy into stuff about themselves that isn't true, but that's more like horoscopes; which are specifically designed to do that. I'm sure you're wise enough to tell the difference between what's actually useful information and what's someone trying to pull a fast one on you.

You know yourself, you want to know more. That makes perfect sense and seems like a good idea to me.