Help! I desperately need advice from people who understand.

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My 19 year old son is diagnosed with aspergers. He went though several diagnoses before he finally got this one. Anyway, thanks to an amazing special ed coordinator, he graduated high school last May. Soon after, my exhusband (his father) moved out of town - 3 hours away. My son chose to move with him. Since then, he's done nothing. He sits alone in his room playing video games all day, every day. He's very lonely and has zero friends. He's obviously disappointed in the direction of his life and afraid he will never get out of this rut.

I really want to understand and help him but I find it very hard to understand his perspective. He shouts all of the time. Anytime he speaks, it's loud and overpowering. He interrupts constantly and makes everything about him. He even tried to talk over his sister's recital song because everyone was paying attention to her. If I try to talk to him about this he becomes instantly angry and defensive. He's 6'5" 230lbs and when he's angry it is frightening. His father seems content to just allow him to stagnate with his video games forever but I know he wants more for himself. He's brilliant in math - had 108 in calculus last year. He spoke in full sentences at 15 months and taught himself to read before he was 4. His history teachers sometimes let him teach the class because he was so knowledgable.

I would hate for all of his potential to be completely wasted. His main issues are the anger from taking offense at everything - I mean everything and talking over/disregarding the feelings and opinions of others.

No flames, just helpful advice please.

Hi Champton,
Welcome to Wrong Planet.
I am wondering if he is overwhelmed. Even though he chose to live with his dad, the changes that caused in his routines and the separation might be too overwhelming for him to deal with and he is using video games to give himself a sense of order, safety, and stability. Many Autistics love video gaming, especially alone, because it gives them a sense of control and order and even predictability. My psychologist explained that to me. For Autistics, sometimes the world can be a very chaotic place which makes very little sense and we need a sense of order, safety and stability. But the things that make us have that can be different from what an NT would need to have that. NT's tend to find those things in relationships and in social situations with other people. Autistics might tend to find those things in routines and activities which don't involve other people.

But having dad move out was huge and so he is probably trying to make some sense of all of this in his own mind and it's probably very overwhelming. Autistics also sometimes feel emotions so powerfully that they are like an avalanche. They can be so overwhelming that we can't handle them. And some of us also struggle with a condition known as Alexithymia which is the inability to identify and express our own emotions. I struggle with that and if my emotions are not the big obvious ones, I don't know what they are and I can't express them in words. But they are so powerful and so present that they can often times cripple me and for many days at at time. And the only way to have any relief is to escape in an activity that gives me a break from them.

If you can imagine the emotions you feel and how strongly you feel them, multiply that 100 fold and it might give you an idea of how he might be feeling them. Also if he is like me, he will be feeling multiple emotions at that intensity all at once and won't understand what they are. It sounds to me that he his probably trying to grab onto anything that can give him a sense of control and safety and predictability. It sounds like he is trying to cope.

The problem though, is that the coping mechanisms he has chosen are not ok. You can't spend your life vegging out with the video games and you can't take over very situation like that. But he might need professional help like with a psychologist who specializes or who is at least very well versed in Autism to help him through this. I don't think you as parents will be able to really have a big impact because I think part of the problem is your separation and he might be reacting to that. But if someone who is not involved directly in that can help him, it might be better.

Of course, I am not him so I could be completely wrong in what I am saying. But from reading your post, if it was me in that position, those would be the reasons I would be acting that way.

Did he show motivation and interest in things like school or having a career or being independent before he went to live with his father?
I agree with you that he should not stagnate in his room playing video games while acting like baby.
This story is common in young adults with autism, if they are not motivated to do something, or if they are led to believe they can't do anything out in the world.
Some want to do something, but can't see how, so it helps to have parent or outside mentor set goals and push.

I think it is important for autistic children to be raised not to be afraid of everything and shrinking back into too safe bubble.
I think this works best if started from young age.

Getting started and ripping self away from safe, comfortable, escapism bubble is usually hardest part.
Once he has something he wants to do and sees a path to do it and knows that he has support, it is much better.

1) Is there any way your son could move back with you? In any case, does he have any employable skills that he could use either in full, part time, or volunteer work?

2) As for being loud and overpowering when he speaks, I sometimes do this. The most common reasons why are: someone has just said they can't hear me, so I then overcompensate and talk louder than normal, or I'm having sensory issues because the surrounding area has tons of distracting background noises, or yes, it might at times be due to emotion. Regarding the emotional part, yes, I agree that it's not polite to raise your voice in anger ... and if someone does that all the time, there's definitely a problem. It's healthy to learn to express anger in constructive ways.

3) As for interrupting, sometimes I do this. The most common reason why is that if I try to do the polite thing and quietly listen to you talk all the way through until you're finished, I'm going to forget the first part of what you said and then I'm going to get anxious and then I'm not going to know how to reply to you and then you'll think I haven't been listening and then I'll get even more anxious and then I'll forget ALL of what you just said ... it's a vicious circle. So interrupting is my way of doing my best to answer you before I forget what you're talking about.

4) As for "making it all about me" ... it could either be an attempt to try and relate his circumstances to yours, or it could be egotistical. The ideal thing would be for everybody involved in the discussion to get a fair chance to be heard.

5) Talking over someone else's recital performance ... sounds like envy or jealousy. And should not happen. Is there something constructive he could do that shows his talent and allows him to earn some positive attention, recognition, and praise?

6) Anger, being quick to take offense / disregarding the feelings of other people. Whether someone is autistic or not, every human being has weaknesses that he or she needs to work on to overcome or improve. One suggestion I have is prayer.

...

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful replies. I feel like I've already learned a lot and your insights are right on the money. I hope I can remember all of your questions!

First of all a bit of background. His dad and I have been divorced since he was a year old. I remarried and had two more children. His father has moved all over the country with his job, so he didn't see him much growing up and when he did, it wasn't a pleasant experience. We split up because his dad came out as gay - and I totally accept that - but we obviously couldn't stay together. We were still very young and dad immediately hit the gay party scene and forgot he had children. So I was left to raise the kids and field the daily calls from the school about our son's behavior. Trying desperately to get a diagnosis and get him on an IEP. When we finally got a full evaluation, we filled out all the paperwork and his dad came to our city to go with me for the results. All he was diagnosed with was "borderline ADHD". I couldn't believe it. Apparently all of the teachers had their own ideas of what was wrong and skewed their responses to the point he came out with nothing. Then I looked over to see his dad crying because our son was possibly ADHD. I was livid. I wanted to punch him. At that point I was having to leave work frequently to pick him up because he was screaming and throwing chairs. No discipline made any difference. Everyone was at their wits end and to go through this evaluation for nothing was a tough blow. His father's absence and total denial was infuriating. I was dealing with it alone.
Fast forward to high school. His dad had grown up and moved back here, ready to be involved. He had a lot of guilt for not being around and made up for it by having no restrictions or requirements for his now teenaged kids.

I believe he is happier at his dad's because there are no other kids, it's quiet, and he's able to bubble up and hide. He honestly doesn't do well in my home right now. I have two other NT teenagers with tons of friends constantly in and out of the house. He gets overstimulated and frustrated when none of them are interested in his monologues on anime or his plans for YouTube stardom. It's a loud, active household.

He definitely has the desire to do something with his life. He's scared to death. He just spent the week with us and I overheard him talking to my daughters boyfriend about getting a job. He said, "Do they train you on what to do? Because I have no idea how to just walk in and start stocking shelves."

Is there any way he can attend anime conventions or comic con conventions?
That way, when he works, part of the incentive can be for saving money to attend the conventions.
In my case, I'm involved in Star Trek fandom
and just yesterday attended Steel City Con outside of Pittsburgh.
There were plenty of anime fans there.

...

He sounds like me.

The kid probably, like me, sees new things as borderline impossible feats, as he (and I) have so little .... Social experience to have intuitively figured out that you need to talk to people.

He's likely to have similar problems and anxieties after college, and might need some help finding a job, but as it sounds, he might be good at what he finally decides to do.
I am, but I needed friends and family to help me, and sometimes make decisions for me.
Family decided to kick me out, friend helped me get his old flat when he moved out- because the sheer concept of going to places and look at flats and then just decide that this would be where I'd want to live is .... Such a big decision- how could I make such a decision in advance?

Also, in case this actually all fits to your son: tell him how life works. Literally. I could do with some advice - or rather, could have done.
Tell him what the next steps will be. How normal people get a job. It'll be weird to him, going to a strange place, and meeting up with a stranger for a chat. Tell him what a normal interview looks like. I know I didn't get the memo on how life works, and telling me to just do things is useless, because... How do you do that, exactly?
The thing is: I could not imagine myself doing certain things in life. I maybe would have wanted to, but the emphasis is on "I could not Imagine it." - and it's hard to decide on what you want to do in life, if you can't imagine things, and yourself in it.

I am trying to push myself to do things, by just mechanically answering "yes" to everything, and think later (a lesson I have learned. If I was asked to think if I would like, say a certain job, I'd probably find a reason not to want it). That seems to be, for me, the safest way to get to do things, but I'm still unable to follow a goal without knowing the exact steps towards that goal.

At 19 he is probably beginning to see other people his age (friends, strangers, and people on TV) zoom past him into adult life. People younger than him will also be zooming past, adapting to challenges, apparently without effort. These people all mysteriously just know what to do, and it can be very painful to struggle with any task that other people accomplish faster. Everyone has at least occasional moments where they feel stupid and embarrassed compared to others. If you can recall a moment like that in your life, consider how painful it would be to encounter those moments frequently, relentlessly, and in nontrivial situations such as work, dating, etc.

It is likely frustrating, confusing, and depressing. Video games are predictable and consistent, unlike the rest of the world. Projects he can work on by himself may help him relax and build useful skills. There are certainly many possible applications of math or other interests he has. Having a bubble to hide in may be quite helpful, so long as he can also learn that he also has a place in the world.

Those of us who grew up before autism was even moderately understood were simply told to “try harder”, “apply yourself”, and “you’re smart so you have no excuses”. Let him know there are many, many people much like him, and the older ones were simply kicked when they stumbled, and then kicked harder and harder with every error, as if this would motivate and improve us. He lives in a time when information and help is still quite imperfect, but far better than nothing. Teach him to use those resources and never believe he doesn’t belong in this world. It is not really the “wrong planet”, but it can feel that way.

It certainly sounds like you don't understand.
Read 'Loving Someone with Aspergers'. Stop assuming you know how he feels. Aspies are often bad at figuring out how NTs feel, but I think NTs are a lot worse at figuring out how Aspies feel.