Questioning my diagnosis

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This sounds very much like my life at your age (I wasn't diagnosed until my forties). Until my diagnosis really sank in, and I had learned so much on forums like this one, I led that kind of "double life"; but I didn't understand just how deep it went. If we assume for argument's sake that the diagnosis is correct, then you have been leading that double life since you were an infant - it is your "normal". Any other way is inconceivable. I do still live that way to a certain extent, but I'm slowly finding ways that suit me better.

Right throughout your development as a child, you would have been learning that your instincts could not be trusted, because they led you to accidentally break social rules. So you studied people. Learned how to mimic their behaviour as best you could. This process is no different than for any other child, except that the cognitive differences of autism can make modelling other people's minds much more difficult. You learn as best you can what you should do in any social situation, and to reproduce it; but understanding what people do is not the same as understanding why they do it. So the "simulation" can never be perfect. On one hand, you can never completely fool other people that you're "just like them", and on the other hand, anxiety about instinctive autistic behaviours encourages you to censor them even when you are alone.

"Acting out" or "scripting" might not just be fantasy or wish-fulfillment. I think there can be an element of using it to run thought experiments, to exercise our ability to see patterns in social rules. It can be dysfunctional if carried too far - I can spend hours daydreaming about how a social gathering that I have to go to might pan out; but no-one yet has ever followed the imaginary script that I wrote for them. But if it's not getting in the way of anything that you need to get done, or something that you'd really rather be doing, I don't see why it would be any more harmful than being an author or an actor.

My advice to you would be to allow your instinctive behaviours a bit more freedom when you are alone. Some of them may be natural coping mechanisms - to help deal with stress, and to give overworked parts of your brain a chance to unwind. It'll take some getting used to, but you'll have more energy for whatever steps you decide to take next.

Two other things...

1) The anxiety you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Almost every late-diagnosed person that I've spoken to about it has experienced it to some extent - it can be a roller-coaster ride, for sure, but it will ease. Diagnosis or not, you don't have to change anything unless you choose to; and if you do, you can do it as quickly or slowly as it suits you, and to whatever degree suits you.

2) The vast majority of what I have learned about autism has been taught to me by other autistic people in places like this one - virtually all of the practically useful stuff! If you find common ground with people here, and their advice helps you to improve your life, then it just does! Diagnosis or not, you're welcome here; and you seem to be settling in pretty well already!

When I take that mask off I'm usually stressed about everything and rocking to keep myself calm.

understanding sarcasm and even figures of speech

Yes, that's something I understand well; and why I suggested to begin with your behaviour when you are alone. Changing your behaviour around other people is not an easy step, and not one which all of us choose to take. How much I let my mask down depends on the situation and how respectful my companions are. Of course, there's no logical reason why rocking should be seen as so socially unacceptable, and it ought not to be something which we're made to feel anxious about; but we have to live with the world as it is. When you're late-diagnosed it can be harder, too, because the people around us have become used to the way we behaved before - they can see it as "giving up", "getting more autistic", or as affectations to garner sympathy. Certainly, I'd advise against doing anything too drastic until you're comfortable with the diagnosis yourself, because you will be asked to explain yourself.


I have little problem with those, either - in fact, my fascination with language means that I "collect" figures of speech and maybe even use them too much. Language isn't a single skill - it's a deeply interwoven web of many skills, each of which can be affected by autism to any degree. From what you have said, I would hazard a guess that, like me, you might still have issues with what linguists call the "pragmatic" part of language - understanding how people's intentions modify the meaning of words. For example:

Person 1: "Is John coming to the pub tonight?"
Person 2: "Susan is going to the pictures."

If we take the words alone, this seems like nonsense - Person 2 replied about a completely different person doing a completely different thing. But our understanding changes if I tell you that Susan is John's partner and they have small children, so John will be babysitting while Susan enjoys a night out. Same words, but the meaning is understood completely differently; and in real life, no-one spells these things out like I did just there, and they can be very subtle. Poor comprehension of these pragmatic contexts is often labelled "taking things literally", so people assume that we'd always struggle with other non-literal language, too - and some of us do, but often the issue is much less black-and-white than that.

Even if I know Susan that would still confuse me for a while. If I think about it I can get it, but still people communicate strangely sometimes.

Yes, I would be a rich man if I'd been given a pound for every time I'd been scolded; "Wasn't it obvious that I meant so and so?!". Just to make things more awkward, non-autistic people will assume that we are implying things "between the lines" when we are speaking, even when we're not - and we have no way to know what fictions they might be imagining!

I bought special earplugs for musicians for going to theaters. They don't distort the sound. They just make it weaker.

Loud crowds can bother me, but in that case the noise typically isn't as bad as the feeling of the crowd's energy. I think I'm okay with people's voices now but when I was younger, if a harsh tone or yelling was directed at me it'd take everything I had to not burst into tears. I failed often. Movie theaters have always been abrasive sound wise but I've typically always been able to adjust.


Where I have food smells I dislike I can't think of anything that's caused a problem. I tend to find most perfume/cologne pretty awful. If something you don't like is touching other food, that food has obviously been contaminated lol



Yes! It's not always, but as you mentioned, when my hands are dry. Other 'slick' poor smooth things cause the same kind of reaction. Almost like tiny pin spots of electricity in my hands, that will run up my arms to my head and a general wiggy feeling throughout me. I typically have to grab my hand that's freaking out and squeeze it. The usually helps the feeling subside faster.