On hidden meanings and manipulations

Post Reply New Topic

How good or bad are you at spotting where a person is actually gearing to? Are you, like me, the last one to grasp when someone, for example, is being nice to you with ulterior motives?

Example:

I was 14 the day my mother made a scandal because I didn't want to wear a skirt to synagogue. I thought she was just being difficult, since we were never religious or traditionalists nor did we observe ANY religious laws. My mother, in turn, thought I was being extremely uncaring of her.

I was 40 when I suddenly one day realized: my mother was afraid of what her sister (who was joining us to synagogue) might think of her. My mother was very emotionally dependent on her older sister.

Nowadays I'm better at spotting someone's hidden agenda, because I've grasped a few rules about society so I know what to look for. But my sister, for example, grasped all this as a toddler already.

Sometimes I surprise myself by correctly figuring out what a person's hidden motives are. I seem to pull them out of thin air, because I certainly can't tell by reading body language, or whatever.

I'm actually really good at this now. It's strange because I've called people out in the middle of them being dishonest and manipulating me. I feel something strange on the inside when it's occuring. Like this twisting feeling and anger inside.

In most cases dealing with strangers, I remain calm but just take a mental note of what the person is trying to achieve. Then avoid them.

I've only recently, within the last five years been able to spot when someone is doing this to me, whether they are a stranger or someone I know...I am currently working on verbally "busting" them on it...my normal mode is to just totally withdraw from that person, physically and emotionally---but I think it's important, when someone is trying to manipulate me in some way, to bust them on it immediately so that they will cease and desist and forget about trying any more of it on me, in the future....
In my life as a whole, I was always the last to know when I was being taken advantage of...I'd push them out of my life because somewhere inside of me, I knew they didn't have my best interests at heart, but now I totally "catch on" and it makes me very angry instead of sad, and not knowing why I was sad, and this is a vast improvment, as far as I am concerned.....in other words, I am learning to speak up and tell people to back off....Yay me!! !!

My paranoia serves me well here; when dealing with people, I automatically attempt to surmise all possible hidden agendas, and keep track of them all according to guestimated probability indicators; I do not always get things right, but I do more often than not.

I'm extremely sensitive to being manipulated, and will quickly become extremely hostile if I think someone is trying to pull my strings (whether they actually are or not). Sadly, one of my weaknesses is that when someone earns a certain degree of trust with me, I tend to analyze their motives much less so than others, and begin to take what they say at implicit face value; this leaves me in a vulnerable position to those that I trust to be able to manipulate me; it doesn’t' happen often, but there have been a few times in my life where I've caused myself quite a bit of grief by taking them at their word.

These days I'm so blunt that I'm inclined simply to ask someone what their "agenda" is if I get the sense that there is something more going on than is indicated by superficial words or actions; my friends and people close to me are probably fairly used to my "let's cut the BS" attitude; people who are less familiar with me tend to be startled when I do that, which actually amuses me to a degree. I dislike brooking ambiguity about such things.

On the flipside, I'm generally very straightforward about what my agenda is; I dislike the notion of manipulating people, or beating around the bush; this is one of the many places where I break with humanity. This stance has had mixed results; some confuse my straightforwardness for some other agenda (which perplexes me to no end), and still manage to attribute some ulterior motive to me; others are simply put off by my straightforwardness. Happily, there are those who appreciate straightforwardness as an attribute; these people tend to become my friends.

Good fortune,

- Icarus says, "Get to the freaking point." a lot...

Last edited by Icarus_Falling on 27 Nov 2007, 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm not very good at figuring out people's hidden motives. When I do think someone has hidden motives, I always question my judgement and suspect that I'm just being paranoid or excessively judgemental. I like to take people's actions at face value because I want people to do the same for me.

After all, I never have a hidden agenda that I'm aware of. I find it strange when people think I do. How can I defend myself and show that no, I'm not thinking what they think I'm thinking?

I am like Icarus. I've been burnt so many times that I'm now automatically suspect of everyone's motives. That isn't to say that I actually get it most times, but at least I'm more aware that it's a possibility.

Alrighty. Well, I can usually figure out someone's ulterior motive - if I care. LOL. Normally, I just get a vague sense of whether someone's sincere and genuine or not. If not, I just keep my distance. It's not paranoia or fear or anything. I just intutively know I'm not on the same wavelength as that person and such interaction isn't to my benefit normally. I also know, chances are, if someone's not sincere or genuine, I will very likely trigger hostility in them, usually unwittingly, because I'm so straightforward and I don't play along with other people's games. And I just don't need to be the target of someone's else's pointless, misplaced rage because I'm not an easy mark for them.

Bottom line is, whatever their deal or game is, whatever they want, I don't want to be bothered with. It's called "setting boundaries" and I let these people know where my boundaries are (soemtiems very bluntly). If they're so underhanded, unbalanced, unaware or insecure they can't be on the level with people, I don't see why I should bother with them past perfunctory matters. I admit when I was younger I often attracted "vampires" of all sorts, but nowdays I know it's just better not to give them an inch, but just keep a polite distance.

In the other hand, if they are sincere and genuine, I can be accomendating and generous to a fault. My biggest problem is that people can be both, sometimes sincere, sometimes not. If a person has been sincere with me in the past, I often am slow to pick up when they aren't being sincere. That's because generally, I'm not so "paranoid" of people that I have to mouse out their ulterior motives all the time - I'm very detached and disinterested about people in that way. What can I say? I'm an Aspie.

In my case, my "paranoia" is most probably an attribute of a schizotypal personality; it is inherent; I have always been thus. I have been burnt, but I am not paranoid because I have been burned; in fact, I am generally quite forgiving, as I readily perceive that all humans are inherently flawed. But mistrust over repeated burning is definitely a stance I can understand, and one that makes some sense. In any case, paranoia can be a wonderful tool; mine serves me well, and I am thankful for such a gift.

It is interesting to note that my analytical tendencies towards humans (including human motive) are most probably a function of my Aspergianism. I have a fascination with complex problems, can't help but be drawn to them to try to solve them; I persist and sometimes succeed where more typical humans tend to shy away or give up in frustration. To me, the human mind is rather foremost amongst complex problems - I'm very interested in people as complex problems. What can I say? I'm an Aspie.

Good fortune,

- Icarus views Aspergianism as being unlike a sledgehammer...

I can't ascertain hidden meanings or manipulations at all. Sometimes they seem painfully obvious after people point them out to me.

I lead them on, leave open shots. What to know, leave a $20 on the table, you know who was there, see how long it lasts. People who won't pocket the twenty, most likely can be trusted a bit. Often people who you were sure of, no twenty.

It was cheap at the price. It is not the amount, it is the nature.