Easier to be AS and ugly?

Post Reply New Topic

I wonder... I am pretty much the depiction of tall, dark and handsome. I had to be told that by others, because, frankly, I don't care.
But, that's the thing... it seems almost as though people expect certain social behaviours from others depending upon aesthetic characteristics. It seems as though there is more attention focused if you're "handsome", and for a guy like me, who prefers to be pretty much in the background, it get's weird.

Is this really just a result of my own limited experiences, or do similar scenarios happen to the rest of you?

Being attractive will attract social attention you don't have the social skills to handle. On the other hand, being attractive might grant you some social leniency, as so much social judgment and value is placed on appearance.

Story of my life. But for the most part, it was social attention I didn't want; I just wanted to be left alone. When one draws attention, and they respond in a way that people don't expect/understand, it then turns ugly, as people take it the wrong way and assume the worst of you.

Seriously, I am "Rain Man" in symptoms and severity (I can speak a little better, but he has the special skills, so it evens out), but since I'm tall, and all of that other superficial stuff, people see me as "normal". And they expect "normal" from me; when they don't get it, they then were/are mean to me.

However, this is probably the case of the grass is greener.

I'm TD+H too and always had a lot of interest from the OS and more disconcertingly, the SS too

I think it's shaped my self-concept - the fact that I don't fit the geeky AS stereotype ... so it never entered my mind that I might be Aspergic.

I HATE being a focus of interest for strangers. It's a total PITA.
I find being stared at quite offensive - but in places like India, there are no taboos on staring at strangers ... so I find the Indian habit of unashamed staring quite stressful - so much so that it makes me feel aggressive towards the ones who simply stare.

Indeed, I find the whole game of 'get him to look at me' played by women and gay men a real bind ... that is of course, unless it's a stunningly beautiful girl.

You have my sympathies, dude.

well, i would have problem with a girl, too. because i wouldn't know how to react. usually i just smile and go away. i get much more attention from gays, though. i guess i am their type. few days ago, one was recording me on his camera. he was quite obvious not trying to hide it at all. as i had been passing around him, he was rotating with the camera pointed at me. that wasn't nice.

Same here. I even posted a question once, how to avoid flirting. I live in Amsterdam, go to work by bike and get an average of one woman starting to flirt at traffic lights every five kilometers (serious, +/- 2 km). Many tourists of course, who are in town to have fun...
Simply don't know how to react. Even worse in business situations, though by far not that often, since as a programmer I don't have that much contact with customers.

But still, it gives advantages. I'm high functioning and I can handle the stress part by looking at my life as a kind of tragic comedy. So in the rare situations, where something comes out of it, for example if I know a girl for longer and she gets the idea, that flirting with me works better if there are no other people around, my chances are quite good and I had some very good looking girl friends once in a (long) while. Nothing lasting longer than a few months, though.

I wouldnt say I am ugly, but I am not the most beautiful either. I think it helps just to blend into the background.

When I was somewhat more attractive than I am now (younger and thinner)....um...I had no idea that I was attractive...I did not understand when people were flirting with me...or found me attractive or anything...

Now that I am (older and fatter)...i dunnow...i guess I don't have to worry about it so much.
I spend so much of my time around other socially akward people who like me for my personality...i guess...

Only time I was attractive with AS was when I was really young. I suppose people did expect me to act a certain way. As I grew older & my attractiveness became non-existent, I still attracted attention, but it was from bullies (all during my school years). I think that those who are considered attractive do have an easier time in society....I'm sure there are plenty of people who think someone who is physically handsome but acts eccentric is acceptable. Whereas, if you are ugly, most people will go out of their way to ignore the repulsive or in extreme cases, pick on the "offending" person.

Can't say I have ever really had this issue since I would be considered ugly. Most people prefer to ignore me.

I know from experience reactions like these. And yet, I also know the opposite reaction.

So I wonder what additional social mechanism is involved to determine these expectations?

People have always tried to pressure me into a role when I didn't manage to talk socially as much yet. They demanded of me to be as sweet and normal as I looked. I never got that comment about how I appear like such a sweet nice thing and then 'falsely act like a mental'.

However, if I dressed badly, messed with my hair (I did that already), people treat me quite unfriendly too. Because they ignore my presence as a person with, wants and needs and try to pressure me into a social role. Something like boring, ugly object? A person that does must not want or is allowed the same as 'better' persons.

A social role is a huge problem to me personally, because I don't understand how to behave in one.

Know how kids don't want to touch the hands of kids they think are odd or ugly? But they easily try to hug a child they don't know that looks sweet, expensive and well-liked. The same thing with a lot of younger adults, from my impression.

I made the opposite experiences with attraction, too. People seem a lot more inclined to allow individuality and abnormal behaviour and easily allow you into their personal area (metaphorically and literally). That's the current state of things for me.

i believe i have traits that are generally considered to be attractive, but i dress weird and dye my hair funny colors, so no one really notices how weird i act cause i guess weird behavior matches weird appearance. works for me

I don't know what it's like for men, but my experience has been that attractive women generate a lot of jealousy directed at them (from other women), which presents a whole other set of social difficulty.

Hey, my 1111st post .

Other people's jealousies have always been my personal bane. They were so jealous they want to see me constantly fail socially so they devised these clever games behind my back that I used to be too naive to catch onto so they could call me a dummy and laugh at my expense.

Now I know better.

I can see through all that but am too disgusted to play along which is probably why I am so socially awkward now.

For a while I played the game but the game seemed to come back on me and do me more harm than it did others. Now I don't bother at all. Everything is pretty much straight forward without the usual round of non stop talking and gossip found while socializing.

Agreed. And they will expect you to be more competent at work, too, with less support.

But on the other hand, it does make it easier to get better housing, if you're competing for an inexpensive apartment in a safe neighbourhood.

No I don't think it is easier. Each scenerio has its own problems. I'm a good looking guy and I've had to learn quite a bit about social dynamics by trial and error since I am nearly 40 and never heard about Aspergers until about 5 years ago.

I do find building friendships very difficult though. Not so much with relationships with the OS. Most women may say they want to be friends but that is not the only thing on their mind . And, guys are too intimidated and think I am going to steal their girlfriend away from them or their girlfriends use me to make others jealous. And, most people judge me by my looks and therefore doubt much of what I say anyway.

Back when I had long hair I really stood out of the crowd unless it was a crowd of long-hairs. I grew my hair long because I was tired of messing with it and really didn't care too much about it anyway. Then, girls would come up to me and want to run their hands through my hair, sometimes without even asking (those damn rings). From time to time, I would not shave for a few days and wear crappy clothes so I looked like someone living on the streets to draw less attention to myself.

I, too, like to be in the background and go with the flow but have found that having good looks is at times at odds with how I want to behave simply because other people expect me to "lead" more.

But, social attention is social attention and someone characterized as "ugly" would probably give most anything for a day looking like their favorite movie star. Maybe, maybe not?

Appearance vs. Reality is a big theme in Shakespearean plays but unfortunately most of society doesn't give a Puck!

Good Luck.

After reading about everyone's experience, I think it would be easier to be average looking than either pretty or ugly. Having been an ugly child myself, I often drew tons of negative attention from peers and would always get into trouble even when it was the other person's fault. I remember praying to God to at least look normal enough so that I'd be ignored. Now I'm on the plain side of average and no longer get the contemptuous glances or negative comments about my looks (at least not to my face anyway). In either case, no more unpleasant social interactions!