Unbearable bickering of autistic and non-autistic siblings

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I would love to hear suggestions about ideas for reducing the CONSTANT fighting and conflict between my 10 year old autistic son and 12 year-old "normal" daughter.

On their own both of my kids are great, but they just can't stop fighting about EVERYTHING when they are together. Their fights often digress to outright physical confrontation (e.g. hitting, kicking, throwing things) which result in banishment to bedrooms and losses of privileges (on a nearly nightly basis, I might add).

My son has really made a HUGE amount of progress over the years and I am just amazed at how well he has learned to cope with his autism and succeed in a normal school and even find some friends. However, he still has autistic quirks that continue to make some interactions difficult. Moreover, my son even says that he allows himself to indulge his quirks when he is at home. He talks about how he has to keep everything balled up at school and can just relax at home. The consequence of this is that he gives his sister a harder time about everything than he gives anyone else. He complains about everything from how she chews her food, to singing while she listens to a song (my son hates his sister's singing). He also gets sheer pleasure from annoying her.

My son can't even walk beside his sister without giving into the urge to shove her. Just because he knows it will drive her insane.

On my daughter's side, her tolerance for the antagonisms from her brother has just gone to 0 over the years. She used to be more accommodating to my son's complaints (about her singing, chewing, etc), but now she feels she has compromised enough and feels there is a gross injustice in continuing to accommodating his concerns. Worse, she will lash out with physical retribution when my son steels one of her things or taunts her. Ironically, my daughter has been praised by her teachers about how nurturing and helpful she is in working with problem kids in her school. Her teachers marvel at how she is able to break the barriers with other kids who have social problems, and that she will go out of her way to befriend and help these troubled kids.

I have seen my daughter try and be "nice" to my son on occasion, trying to help him with some of his issues, but he has been so dismissive and contemptuous of her efforts to help and befriend him that she has now become completely hostile to him.

Things are so bad now that the only real solution my wife and I have come up with is to keep our 2 children separated as much as possible. We take them to separate activities and encourage them to do things in different parts of the house.

I am ashamed to say I am just dreaming of the 2 weeks when my daughter will be on a camping trip this summer. Everything is so amazingly peaceful when only one child is at home.

Should I just accept that my son and daughter will forever be at each other's throats and just count the days till one (or both) of them go to college?

I'm thinking you'd probably have the same problem even if your son wasn't on the autism spectrum. For two siblings those ages to fight like cats and dogs is probably more normal than to not fight. It'll pass as they get older and mature a bit more.

Maybe setting some more strict boundaries might help:

- son --> no commenting on how your sister eats her food, etc.
- daughter --> no beating on your younger brother when he tics you off.

Good luck - things will get better.

Having to ball everything up in school or work and being sensitive to certain noises especially chewing is not uncommon with autistic people. Also weak or non understanding that others think definitely and have different needs. So I would tend to believe he is not doing it to intentionally mess with her. The perception of Autistcs being intentionally rude and selfish when that is not true is what we deal with.

Not understanding that others have different needs is not only an autistic trait but one common to children. Just because it is not naturally ingrained does not mean it can't be taught. They may or may not be ready now but in time they probably will be. So I would advise you to erase "forever" from your thinking.

Well, firstly, your daughter was alone for a couple of years, before your son came along----so, that, right there, can cause some resentment. A baby needs more attention----then, add to it when a toddler needs more attention because now it's known that he has autism.

Now, as for the food-chewing and singing: He has sensory problems----ALOT of people, here, have a problem with someone who makes a noise chewing their food----we just recently had a thread all about the noises we, ASDers, can't stand (I once had a phone that, when it rang, caused me to have a seizure). The reason he takes great pleasure in annoying her MIGHT be because he wants to make someone else "hurt", because HE'S "hurting"----he's hurting because almost every second of every day, he has to struggle to be "normal". 'Course, it COULD be just your "Garden Variety" sibling rivalry, but I don't think so----I think that's PART of it, but..... Another thing is, ASDers can sometimes be "Control Freaks"! ! My theory is, we try to control what's on the OUTSIDE, cuz we can't control what's on the INSIDE----meaning, we can't control the thing(s) that's making us be "stupid" / slow-to-react / whatever.

As for him shoving her, while you're walking----it might NOT be because he knows it'll drive her insane..... It COULD be, again, a sensory issue----this time, touching. Do you know for a fact that she didn't start it, by touching him when he asked her NOT to? Also, maybe he's feeling penned-in..... When you all walk together, is there a person on either side of him? Maybe he has claustrophobia----and, because he can't push YOU (or your wife), he pushes HER (your daughter).

I totally understand why she's sick of it, and why she feels there's an injustice, going-on. She's not allowed to be a kid----do all the normal things kids do, like singing, because it bothers him. She feels he's just complaining, to get attention, maybe----THEN she wonders why HE gets HIS needs attended-to, but SHE doesn't have people giving HER, extra "care" / attention, whatever. Also, their lives are the opposite----SHE'S free at SCHOOL----HE'S free, at HOME----so, there's no question why there's conflict----SHE wants to be free, at home, as well!!

The reason why your daughter is so good with the other kids at school, is because she learned how to do that, at home----but, the difference is, at SCHOOL she CHOOSES to help the other kids; whereas, at HOME she HAS TO, because it's her brother. She can do it all-day-long at school, because she has a say in whether she will help someone----PLUS, she gets "brownie points", for it----whereas, at HOME, maybe, all of her brother's accomplishments over-shadow hers, because he has to struggle so much more, to achieve even the smallest goal.

Maybe the reason he is hostile toward her, when she tries to help him, is because of the way she's going-about it. One thing that I see people making the mistake of, all-the-time, is that they think they have to show a "special" person EVERYTHING, and that makes the person feel stupid----and, they already feel stupid, every minute of every day. Here's an example: An aide, working with an ASDer, decides the activity for the day is going to be coloring----so, she gets out some paper, and crayons, and begins to show the person how to color. Well, the person she's showing already knows how to do it; so, instantly they feel the aide thinks they're stupid. What the aide DIDN'T do, was ASK the ASDer what their capabilities were. The aide SHOULD HAVE said: "I thought we'd do some coloring today----do you know how to do that?" THAT way, it gives the ASDer the CHOICE in NOT having to suffer-through yet another person's thinking they don't know how to do anything.

When your daughter tries to show your son how to do something, does she, sort-of, take over, in a "This is how it's done" attitude? If so, that shows you, right there, that he resents HOW she is helping him (it may just be that she's taking that attitude because she's older----or, because it's, sort-of, innate, with girls, to take care of people). When she gets such great raves from her teachers, for helping the students, they (the teachers) don't know how the other kids feel about how she's helping them----to THEM (the teachers), your daughter looks like a little angel----and, the likelihood of them (other kids) complaining, is almost NIL----ESPECIALLY, if they're ASDers. Then again, your daughter MIGHT be helping them----I'm just giving you another thing, to consider.....

As for taking them to separate activities, and them doing things in separate parts of the house: This is EXACTLY what I was going to suggest!! Each child needs to feel special----EACH child needs to have Mommie or Daddy's undivided attention----also, they need EACH parent's attention. So, let's say your son LOVES to cook, and your daughter HATES it----well, then whatever parent loves to cook, should spend that time with him, ALONE----or, if BOTH parents like to cook, then switch parents, each time----OR, if both KIDS like to cook, switch kids each time (of course substitute "cooking", for "whatever" activity).

Don't be ashamed to say that you're looking forward to your daughter's summer camp----it's QUITE understandable----and, ANY parent would feel that way, when dealing with an ASDer! Don't forget, IMO, part of your son's behavior is him feeling ashamed because he can't be "normal"----AND, part of the way your daughter's behaving, is because SHE feels ashamed that she's resentful of her brother. It's all perfectly normal!!

No, you shouldn't just accept the fact that it's going to be this way, until one of them goes to college. I'm thinking, maybe, you need to have a better line of communication----or, a NEW line of communication..... I would suggest having your wife talk to your daughter, PRIVATELY----and, YOU talk to your son, PRIVATELY----it's IMPERATIVE, IMO, that you don't all 4 sit-down to talk, TOGETHER. I'm thinking the talks should consist of you and your wife asking the kids what they're really feeling about each other. Like, for instance, it would be good if your wife found-out whether your daughter is, in fact, touching your son while they're walking----at the same time, in a different room, you're finding-out, if that's the reason why your son pushes her, while you all are walking. Then, another thing to consider, is your wife asking your daughter if she could not sing, and not make noises, when she chews, etc.----then, at-the-same-time, in another room, you're asking your son if your daughter stops making noise, what can he give HER----like, can he stop taking her things, just to tick-her-off----and then, on and on, down the list of grievances, that EACH kid has.

Then, when that's done, all of you come together in the living room / kitchen, or wherever, and talk about what you've just learned----you might even consider writing-down all the things each kid promises to stop doing; then you (the parents) read those papers, aloud----and, also detailing how each kid doesn't mean to be a pain-in-the-butt, but it's just difficult, sometimes, NOT to be. Also, DON'T make the mistake of saying something like: "Now, does anyone have any questions?", cuz that will put EACH kid on the spot----that's VERY difficult for an ASDer, AND, the "normal" one. Say things like: "Now, Suzie, do you think Bobby has put enough thought into what he says he's willing to stop doing?" (I'm just makin' this up----you would know better words, for your kids.) Then, you could say, something like: "Bobby, are you willing to give Suzie the chance to keep her word about stopping the noises, that she knows really bothers you?" See, not only do ASDers need EXPLICIT direction / communication, but so does your daughter, cuz she's just a kid! Also, when you talk to your son, don't get too wordy----like, don't ask him a 3-part question, cuz it'll only confuse him. I totally understand how everybody's in a hurry, and / or, they think it's some kind of "speech economics" to just ask everything at one time----but, we ASDers just can't process those kinds of things. Ask us ONE thing, at-a-time, give us PLENTY of DETAIL----but, not too much (it's a dichotomy that confuses even US, ASDers)----and, don't incessantly repeat things (we heard you the FIRST time, we're just not gonna get it all worked-out in our mind, in "Daddy time"----if you know what I mean).

Also, I'm sure you know all this----but, just to reiterate.....

The 5 senses----and thus, the five things that can cause sensory troubles:

Hearing - loud, unexpected noises----an ASDer can make all the noise he wants, cuz he knows what's comin'.
Smell - ALL smells are different to each person----but, ASDers are ESPECIALLY sensitive.
Touch - can, actually, cause EXTREME pain, to an ASDer. Also, "touch" includes "texture", and we're, some-of-us, extremely sensitive to THAT, as well----what may seem like a "normal" texture, can stand all of our nerve-endings, on end!
Taste - Again, texture and smell, plays into this.
Vision - We may ONLY be able to learn by seeing PICTURES, for instance----or, by WATCHING someone, LIVE, doing it, etc.

I can't think of anything else, right now..... I'm sure you'll get LOTS of other suggestions, as we've got some really great, helpful people on this site.....

Take care----and, GOOD LUCK,

Cat

First, I think sibling bickering is as common as air. I acknowledge, however, that with certain sets of siblings it can be much worse than with others, and autism certainly doesn't make it any easier.

Sibling rivalry can be more serious than most parents think. In fact I once heard there's a case of sibling *abuse* in at least 50% of all families with more than one child.

Neither my older brother nor my parents knew I had Asperger's until I was an adult, but my brother could be very obnoxious. When we were teens we were often in the house alone, just the two of us, and he could drive me to the point of where one time I actually threw a sharp object at him (It didn't land near him, though). He was constantly invading my privacy, barging into my room, snickering over my toy collections, and being disgusting. He sad nasty things about nearly everything I watched on TV or liked in general. and the really strange thing is, if someone else was doing those things to me he'd be ready to pound them. One time I was bullied at school and then later the police was at our house because my brother apparently physically attacked the boy who did it. They dropped the charges when my mother said the kids at school did worse things to me than my brother did to the bully.

It's a strange thing that this adolescent grew up into one of my most favorite people in the world whom I treasure the rare moments we're together. I think when he was in his early 20's he was replaced by a space alien.

Would your son consider wearing ear defenders at home? It might help him with the chewing and singing. It could very well be that his extra sensitive to noise after a long, tiring and overwhelming day at school but it's also understandable that your daughter is upset that she feels she is made to give up things she likes (or that are part of her).

Could your daughter have 'special singing privileges' when your son is out, or perhaps voice/singing lessons.

Oh, and whether it's what your son is doing or not - some children do display behaviours because negative attention is better than no attention or because they don't know how to handle positive situations/feel out of control. (This occurs particularly with abused children.)

It's the age.

It's because they are different sexes.

There is a HUGE difference being nice to some one at school, who you really only have to deal with 6 hours every day tops, than a sibling who's issues slosh into your life 24/7. I'm surpised she hasn't pounded him in the face. 12 year old girls can really get over the top.

I get your son has to decompress after school, but he also has to realize that unless he wants to live alone, there are ways to do it when you have to live with others.

He should not be allowed to hassles his sister. Period. And his sister should not torment him (insert behavior here).

Not all sibs kiss and make up when older. My husband's sister will have nothing to to with him, because of his behavior (like your son's) towards her. She got the brunt of the teasing, put downs, shoves etc. Dee is polite to him, but nothing else. His other two brothers just avoid him. My husband was diagnosed at 50, so gallons of water have roared under the bridge. His family is kind because of me and our child. If it was just Jay alone? *crickets*.

Why my husband's sibs hate him is because of the meltdowns and how that drove all the activities in the family. Everyone tipped toed around to keep the peace, and gave him more leeway than was reasonable. Jay was in shock when he met my family, who flat out didn't care and treated him like everyone else.

Figure out what is reasonable boundaries for each, and start calling them on it when it is crossed. It's a life skill both will need. People need boundaries and need to respect other's boundaries.

My MIL said when she had a house with 4 teen agers, it was all she could do not to go MIA and start a new life without them. Hormones+sibling rivalry+one Aspie kid made for a rocky ride sometimes.

Hang in there♡

If I were his sister I'd hit him too. He's being a brat and taking advantage of the allowances that are made for him.