Reactions from friends and family

Post Reply New Topic

I was recently officially diagnosed at the age of 35. To me it’s a BIG effin deal!! I finally have a word for what’s been bothering me my whole life. I finally know why i’ve been struggling to fit in.

I feel like celebrating. But i don’t have anyone in my life who seems to care. My husband just shrugs, but he’s been through the whole process with me, so i guess he’s kind of excused. What’s worse is, and it really hurt my feelings, my mom doesn’t seem to care at all. I’ve told her i’ve been through the assesment and she just asked what Autism is. I told her, and she switched topics. Today i finally found the courage to tell her about this life changing diagnosis i just got, and she doesn’t even comment on it!! Her reply was «oh, We’ve all got things on our minds, i have an appointement with the eye doctor tomorrow». Like i told her i had a headache or a cough!!

I feel even more lonely after the diagnosis. Now i know for sure i’m weird, and the people around me wont even let me have a word in edgewise about it!

How did your family and friends receive the news?

I'm sorry you're not getting the celebration you deserve. I'll celebrate with you, internet stranger!

Luckily, my family and girlfriend both reacted well and without scathing skepticism. I met my girlfriend in the midst of going through evaluation so she was briefed on all of this from the start, but my family has long had the suspicion that I was on the spectrum, but never pushed for evaluation because every professional I had seen for my off-kilter development as a child never pegged it as ASD.

The thing that somewhat hurts is that the one professional I've seen reliably since my childhood, my former psychiatrist, dismisses the diagnosis. She is of the impression that I have ADHD + sensory processing disorder + social anxiety. Her doubt makes me sometimes doubt the diagnosis myself, and she has alluded to the stereotypical "you Gen Z kids all think you're special and want attention" response that I had expected to hear more often.

I say that "somewhat" hurt because I've decided that I quite frankly do not care about the label. The reason I sought evaluation was so I could 1) allow myself forgiveness when I was incapable of doing certain things that society views as "easy", and 2) have a framework with which I can explain the things I struggle with to other people.

I've also found myself trying very hard to not talk about autism while undergoing evaluation/since I was diagnosed because, ironically, I've developed a bit of a hyperfixation regarding the history and future of ASD. This feels doubly isolating at times because I have to repress talking about one of the few things I spend most of my time focusing on, and because it's something that affects me daily, it's not just something I'm interested in, it is my reality.

Regardless of what your friends and family think, I hope you find peace, community, and self understanding. I've found all three of those since I began looking into ASD. My psychiatrist, in my last meeting with her, said that her opinion of my condition does not really matter as long as I've found those things. It may be helpful to apply that mindset to your dismissive family members and friends.

Godspeed!

I'm sorry that happened to you.
That really sucks.

I don't know a lot of people so I told very few.
On the day of, I told my daughter by text.
I was still in the Uber from my appointment.
She thought it was "cool" but she wasn't surprised.
She's the one who told me I should be tested.
She was later dx ASD1 herself.

I didn't tell my sons.
One was living in another country.
One was away at school.
He knows now, but I can't remember telling him.
There was no reaction because he agrees with it.
It was just common sense to him.
He's undx ASD himself - can't afford an assessment.

Actually I just told my other son two weeks ago.
He was kinda surprised.
Then five minutes later he said "OMG I see it!"
Then he was pointing it out all the time, even in my kids.
He's adopted so he's not autistic.

I didn't tell my mother.
We have a very awkward relationship.
I knew I'd be gaslit somehow.
Either "That explains why you're so ****" .... or "No you aren't!"
My dad's dead.

I told one female friend who said I could get over it with Gestalt therapy.
Conveniently, she was studying to be a Gestalt therapist.
I guess they didn't teach her that we don't / can't think in gestalts.

My exbf who is still a friend said "everyone's a little autistic".
He didn't ask what it meant or anything.
He's likely autistic too, so he sees us as normal.
He doesn't want to be tested and he never mentioned it again.

I told my bf on our first date, which was 18 months after my diagnosis.
He was curious to know how it affected me.
We had a good chat about it.

My daughter has since told my mother that she and I are both dx.
My mother insisted my daughter wasn't "ret*d" -- her word for autistic.
She got all upset that my daughter was putting herself down unnecessarily.
She didn't say anything in my defence (lol) -- I guess I am "ret*d" in her eyes.
She always called me that when I was little, anyway.
After being told she apparently forgot all about it.
My daughter had to remind her several times and she acts incredulous every time.
Then she forgets again.

The only other people I've really told are doctors.
I hate when they say "you must be high functioning!" - as if that negates it all.
I'm not even High Functioning, because I'm Level 2.

I can't think of anyone else I've told except for strangers (customer service, etc.)

* I was dx a month before I turned 50.

With most people I told it to, it went in one ear and out of the other as far as I can see.

Even my sister just said "well, we're all a bit nutty really aren't we?" She meant well, just trying to reassure me that I wasn't especially weird.

Most ironic example was a friend who I'm almost certain is on the spectrum, and a couple of mutual friends also said he was, without me having said a word about it. His comment when I told him - "I've heard about aspergers and I don't think there's anything in it." End of conversation.

My brother-in-law asked an intelligent question or two but we don't talk much anyway so it's not had the chance to go anywhere.

My wife was interested, and actually gets it, because she's got a daughter on the spectrum.

My previous wife felt that I was on the spectrum before I found out myself, which was a great start, but she started treating me like a child and when that didn't work she deserted.

I can see why people don't react well to it. It's a complicated condition, hard for even the smartest of us to understand. And as it's an "invisible disability," it's not surprising if they don't believe it. It can also get cumbersome making adjustments, so a lot of people just ignore it.

One girl I knew a long time ago who had epilepsy said that out of all her friends, only one of them asked what to do if she had a fit. And it wasn't me who asked, I'm ashamed to say.

Hope this helps, and welcome to the club. You'll probably find a lot more interest in ASD here.

I remember telling colleagues about my autism and they generally just kind of treat me differently from then on and one person started referring to me as "ret*d".

My family initially didn't want to know about it, but eventually came around to the idea and said that they were previously in denial about having a son who was autistic.

I’ve come to realize the more people I tell, the fewer people I should tell.

Is that because it upsets them, or upsets you? ^

I think I’ve been fairly lucky in that the family that I have told have generally said, “Well, that makes sense”. I also tell anybody that ask, but I’ve also been lucky there too, as nobody has reacted badly. Most are just curious as to what that means. Talking about my diagnosis with my mother has actually brought us closer, as she been identifying with quite a lot of my trait’s herself.

I’m sorry to hear people’s experiences of not feeling validated when they tell family and friends. It sounds very discouraging, especially when for you it’s probably one of the most important discoveries of your life. At least here you will always be listened to and appreciated for who you are.

My kids said "of course" too. They understood it so easily we never really discuss it, because there's no need unless they want an accommodation for something at work / school.

My mum is likey somewhere on the spectrum even though she's polar opposite to me in her presentation, but she's in her 80s and still sees it as an insult so we're not going to bother explaining. I think she'd see it as an insult toward herself if her offspring could be autistic. That might look bad to the neighbours lol. At one point I was going to ask her the AQ test questions without telling her what it was, but I never got around to it.

I'm connected to a lot of groups online too, and I work with federal agencies to draft legislation and new programs for autistics. It's a waste of time, really, but it's interesting for me nonetheless. I also have a blog and my partner wants me to collaborate on a book about trauma. He'd do the NT perspective and I'd do the ND.

Welcome to WP! I hope you like it here.

...though you might find my limited experience from getting my diagnosis to be underwhelming.

Before I got my assessment my bride and I had both reached the conclusion that I was likely Autistic. I wanted to get formal confirmation, she was concerned that there might be negative repercussions from a formal confirmation. However, I was 64, already twice-retired, and financially secure so I was not concerned about negative repercussions...I got the formal assessment.

My bride attended the first session with the psychologist and the final one.

I've told my other medical practitioners about the diagnosis and most seem to completely ignore it, the remainder seem to have little interest. I actually would like them to take it serious because there are things I'd like them to do to make things work better for me, but not much luck on that.

I got my diagnosis toward the end of 2019. I decided not to spread the word to my relatives until I could tell them in person. That was a waste of time. They already thought I was weird so the diagnosis only interested them to the extent that they were trying to think how it might better explain them. (I'm the only Autistic so my diagnosis doesn't say much about them.) My Dad was the exception. He was 89 at that time and had been 64 when Asperger's Syndrome was added to the DSM. He found my diagnosis completely uninteresting. He already knew I was weird and the diagnosis probably sounded like some newfangled fad to him. (I think all of my relatives thought I was weird. But I've done well in life so I'm a very respectable weird, I think.) I needn't have waited to tell them in person, that was a waste of time.

And then the Pandemic came along and I had very little opportunity to tell others in person. The few I've told already knew me and seem politely interested but had no clear reaction to the news.

And, this is all fair. I was the same person after the diagnosis that I was before the diagnosis. I've done well in life and am not getting treatment for Autism and folk already knew I was a bit odd. Pretty much the news is mildly-interesting personal trivia.

The biggest change is with my bride. Now, whenever she bumps up against one of my Autistic traits I get to say:

"I have a doctor's note for that!"
P.S. This amuses me more than it amuses her.