Criticize my life please.

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Newly diagnosed. Could use your input. I'm still trying to figure things out, so please be patient
I've described myself best I could. Please judge me.
By the way I can handle living on my own.

By: renemain
Age: 31-35, Man
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I Was/am A PsychopathPosted


I remember very clearly that I didn't feel any emotions very early in my life. Now, I don't know all the technical jargon for psychopaths and the symptons so this'll be in my best description I can give. When I say early I mean around 3 or 4 years of age. I can't exactly pin down the date, but from my memory what I can see that is what it looks like. I was playing with thos little tonka cars with my next older brother. Well, I remember grabing one he wanted and I watched him cry. I wondered why he cried for this car. I didn't understand. I didn't feel for him one way or the other, so I just tossed it down. I started noticing from that moment on how I didn't feel and had to fake my smiles and laughter. I learned real quick everybody cried when they wanted something, so yes I was selfish. Mind you, I don't remember my entire life from that moment, it comes in bits and peices. Early on I decided on doing the right thing in the right situation. I believe I reached that decision on my own. However, I had a very strict father, he was/is very old fashioned and didn't take any lip or backtalk from no one. So this acting out that other psychos do, I didn't really have that opportunity. Any kid these days under my father's thumb would be crushed. I have a feeling my father played a big part in my dicipline and strong moral ground I developed as a child and teenager. Anywho, I found that I would be completely apathetic as far as people or the world was concerned. I didn't care about people, including my family or posesions. I wasn't amoral, because of my father. Growing up my father had a great influence over me and my siblings. Because of him and teachings in school I learned to have strong morals and ethics. Now, honestly I have allways had a problem with authority and deep down I don't care what some law or regulation says I can and cannot do. However, I did develope strong morals and ethics to guide me in life. Because, as best as I can figure it seemed the right and most beneficial thing to do, to look out for the well being and safety of others around me. Not, in a goody too shoes type of way, but just in theory and in practice when it was necessary. Early on I realized how I could manipulate people to get what I wanted. In a large family this can be a bad thing. I learned very quick the dangers of manipulating people to my will. So I realized that was something I should focus on not doing. So, even as I got older I didn't bother manipulating others to get what I wanted. Rather I fought the urge, which would surface now and then. Along with the urge to rebel against conformity, I fought that as much as possible. I was allways a quiet type of guy. I didn't speak unless I had something worth saying. I hate people that love the sound of their voice. I learned to meditate in high school on my own. I also learned to focus and concentrate my energies at any time so I could control these urges I had throughout my life. So, I formed into a highly functioning psychopath. I wanted to be normal, but I never tried to act like I was normal or be the social butterfly of the group. I wasn't well liked, but I was well respected. I was aimless going through life. Being as I had no emotions, I wasn't able to form any preferences. I didn't even care for music, which apparently everybody does. I must be a freak, because music doesn't bring back memories for me, there was no emotional bond. Don't even get me to start on my suicidal tendencies. I think I've covered everything. Oh there was the anger issue. Regardless of how much meditation I went through, I allways delt with anger issues. I felt a great deal of anger at people just for being in my line of sight. I don't know why and can't explain it, it just pisses me off. I've had to fight back my anger issues. I'm not your typical PSYCHOPATH. As I fought against many of the urges that other psychopaths let overtake their childhood and adultlife. I found a way to deal with my problems. And now I'm trying anti-psychotics, which were helping.

You're explicitly inviting criticism. I promise to be brutally honest.

However, you do seem to have some working concept of what an emotion is. If you had never felt any emotion, you would not be able to know what the word means and what people mean when they say "emotion." Ask yourself what idea you have about what an emotion is. I guess you will find that you have had some real emotional moments that you have repressed. Otherwise, what you call an emotion might be something completely different from what other people mean by it.



That's an emotion. When you can replicate inside your mind someone else's decision process and understand why they make the choices they make, it's called empathy. It's a human universal.



Another emotion. Depending on the circumstances of your personal story, it might have been fear or admiration for your strict father. However, a bit later you mention your strong dislike for authority, so I'll speculate what he inspired in you was fear.



Some political theorists call that attitude enlightened self-interest. I'd say the impulse of self-protection is close enough to being yet another emotion.



The epitome of empathy: you exert self-control because you don't want to harm anyone. I don't see a psychopath there. I see someone who has successfully learned to restrain his impulses and behave with concern for other people's well-being.



Hatred, one of the most complicated emotions. Your brief personal story is revealing a whole range of emotional diversity. You're probably more complex than you realize.



You understand what respect is and why it's worth pursuing. A true psychopath would never feel the need to be normal.



That is the most emotional admission I've read in ages.



You mentioned that you had learned meditation on your own. What kind of meditation do you practice exactly? You might want to try the Metta style of Buddhist practitioners. As for anger, I'm beginning to suspect that the lack you feel is not for the whole set of emotions, but just the positive ones. You have shown fear, hatred, anger, and possibly shame. You don't describe any experience of joy, hope, fondness or contentedness. To walk the first step towards positive emotions, it may be useful to begin with compassion.



Helping you to do what? What's the difference you perceive? Are you liking it? How do you feel about the person you might become as a result of therapy? Do you want to be a different person from the one you've learned to be? You don't seem to have seriously hurt anyone, and judging by your description of self-restraint, I don't think you ever will. Why do you want to change?

Psychopaths, sociopaths, whatever. These are terms for what is labelled antisocial personality disorder in the dsm-iv.

Here are the criteria:

A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:

failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead;
irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;

B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.


You don't really seem to meet the criteria. Have you actually been diagnosed? I doubt it, considering it's not actually called psychopathy...

You clearly have a few more emotions than you realise, though even psychopaths have emotions.

Psychopaths don't let their urges 'overtake' their lives. They embrace them. The power they have over other people is a source of pleasure and pride to them. That's the way I understand it anyway.

I'm curious about what you're hoping to gain here.

As I understand it, psychopaths are by nature manipulative and deceptive. IF the diagnosis is correct, it is possible that Renemain has not given a full and accurate picture of his life. I am also unsure of the purpose of his post.

Try watching the horizon program, 'good or evil'.

A researcher studying serial killers managed to pin down 3 factors that go into making a serial killer.

1. Psychopath
2. Possessing the 'Warrior' gene
3. Early childhood abuse and violence

The researcher himself discovered during doing the research the he was a psychopath AND he possessed the warrior gene but turned out to be a productive non violent and non manipulative member of society.

The warrior gene? Hahaha come on you don't believe that s**t do you?

The diagnostic criteria says nothing about child abuse being the cause. There is a genetic component.

I tend to listen more to people with doctorates, decades of specialised research and a track record of publishing accurate information in heavily scrutinised peer reviewed journals than I do to media harpies or 19 year olds on the internet.

It is worth bearing in mind that psychology is such a soft science it borders on the nebulous at times, the DSM is not a fixed, cast iron guaranteed source of truth, it is a heavily negotiated gospel. Homosexuality was only dropped from it in 1974...

That made me lol.


Perfect storm, I 've read about the warrior gene in serial killers before, DC isn't inventing it. Why else do you think most serial killers were males?

Oooops, sorry, that came across a bit offensive, I didn't mean it to.

meant I'm on antidepressants not antipsychotic, I mixed up. Thank you for your input. You've been extremely helpful with understanding myself.
I think you're right about having emotions, I just didn't have em like other people or I didn't experience the positive ones so I didn't actually feel complete or something like that. Over the last few couple years I've been resieving treatment and medication. From the start I wanted to feel positive emotions and be able to feel the full range of emotions.
This is all still hard for me to explain and understand.

Also. I have been. Diagnosed as having.
A psychotic disorder
And aspergers disorder.

Well, I don't let my urges overtake my life.
I very much do enjoy/appreciate and take pride in the "power" I have over people, secretly. But at the same time I choose not to exert that power even I i know its there.

I always have been manipulative and deceptive. I try hard to suppress those tendencies but they are always there.This post is to perhaps help me understand myself. These responses are already helping. So any more opinions are appreciated.

For the record, not all psychopaths are serial killers - that was not a link that I was implying. Nor was I making any value judgements about whether Renemain was "good or evil", I think there is usually a mixture of light and dark in most people. I am not aware of any conclusive link between psychopathy and early childhood abuse either (unlike, say, borderline personality disorder), although this does get debated back and forth quite often.

One more thought, Renemain, are you sure your diagnosis is correct? Sometimes the different way in which people with AS express their emotions can be misinterpreted as a lack of emotion and there can be some empathy issues in both conditions. If you have a psychotic illness as well that would further complicate things. I would want to be very sure that whoever diagnosed me was very well qualified and had done a very thorough assessment before accepting that diagnosis.

Interesting.

Is it possible you have been misdiagnosed? If you read up Baron-Cohen's theory of mind, autism and psychopathy are almost exact opposites. Hard to see how you could be both at the same time.