help, please

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I had a long talk yesterday with The Wife. I found out I had a lot of misinformation. i straightened her out about what misinformation the ex was feeding them.

The thing is R is likeable. he's not a bad guy. i'm not defending him, i'm just letting you know that EVERYONE who meets him wants to help him. i'm not the only one, it's not just my massively codependent nature. frankly the truth is he is so damaged and has been dealt such a s**t deal in life it's impossible not to have some compassion for him. he's not a sociopath; he's deeply, deeply traumatized. as a trauma survivor myself, it breaks me heart that apparently there is little i can do for him.

so the deal is this. i got the keys back from him last night. i plan to ONLY talk to him about things such as keys and boundaries IN FRONT of other people (like the WIFE and the HUSBaND) around whom he is much less likely to make ridiculous claims to my responsibility for his problems. I'm going to allow him to use the keys FOR WORK and work only for the next two weeks, especially as he is actively working on getting problems with the jeep fixed. So it's not a one-way street.

I told the Wife everything that has happened with him. She is much more understanding now. I apologized for the crazy incident and explained the aspergers and ptsd and it's effect on me in much more detail. She said noone was mad at me at all. She also said i am welcome to stay as long as i want(as long as i am sharing housework) rent free. i am sleeping in a separate room from the ex. Knowing him, he will find some way to lose this job and will have to move on.

I feel very, very sad but I do feel like i'm trying to do the right thing. My biggest source of stress is not knowing where to go from here. Which might mean I should stay a while. Sometimes when i don't know what to do, doing nothing is okay. I have some stability here. I feel protected. I'm not alone.

I made it very clear to ex that if he takes my car without permission again or refuses to hand back my keys, i will call the cops and report the vehicle stolen. He's just trying to be a controlling ass, he's not actually going to steal it, but it's the only way i can get through to him that i'm serious. i also told him he needs to think about what he's going to do in 2 weeks assuming i leave.

i just don't know where to go. i don't know whether to stay and try to save some more money, or where to move to. someone pm'd me with a reccomendation for a therapist that looks promising, but it's all the way across the country.

i also made it very clear to ex that i will be his friend but not his girlfriend anymore (and we'll see how long i'll be a friend either). i suspect this will result in him trying to be extra nice to me to see if change my mind. i suppose it's manipulative on my part but it will get him off my case as far as trying to drive me crazy with control and gaslighting. i will make an extra effort to stay in communication with everyone else.

who knows in two weeks he may be out of here or have found someplace else to live.

i do know i'm worth more than this. i do know i have value. i'm not buying his bizarre blame games. i'm just very very tired and very very emotionally drained. the thing is i know i can't live alone and i know i can't get along with anyone else and i don't see any middle ground.

"People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."
Petula Clark
OK, you disproved that one. Unless you count the people who "need" to use you.
After you get away, again, it will be hard to avoid repeating this pattern, because the beginning stages feel familiar. Relationships that turn into a win-win are harder to find and nurture, and will feel rather foreign at first. A common problem might be that anyone who volunteers to fix your car, etc, is probably being drawn away from volunteering for some other woman, at least in her eyes.
There are some places that are glad to have a new face, and some that treat a newcomer as a goose to be plucked. Their assets are discussed and a division of spoils proposed while they are still shopping for a rental. The second kind of town seems friendlier, unfortunately.

The "cheap" parts of St. Louis are ghettos that are full of predators. Not simple jerks like your ex, but real honest to god rape and kill you for $5 predators. Avoid St. Louis. Have you tried southern Oregon? I plan to move there soon. The cities such as Medford and Klamath Falls are full of meth addicts, but the woods are beautiful and close by. Klamath Falls has cheap rents, and a small bus system that serves downtown and the business district along 6th Street. The tweekers don't cause too much of a problem for new residents, unless you have a lot of expensive electronics in your car that they can hock for dope. You don't, so they will likely mostly leave you alone. Sky Lakes Medical Center is nearby. Stay out of California unless you want to "disappear" one day. You know, like in 1980s Argentina. The cops here hate the car people.

I found my place by going to an area with a declining population. When a small town loses a mill, property is cheap, and people ready to deal. The place needs people with an outside income, and all the medical services, etc, are still hanging on, keeping the place safe. There are not many counselors here, but I got a good match. To help me, she doesn't need a lot of training, just quite a bit of time.

There are also small towns and farmsteads within reasonable driving distance of a city. As families and farms grow and shrink, there are often places that are glad to have another resident for security and keeping the heat on. For the winter, if you head north, you can find off-season cabin rentals with both privacy and security. Dress warmly and enjoy the views without the crowds.

Try to help work on your car, and learn to do it yourself. The anti-roll bars are a super-easy job to learn on. Maybe watch one end, and try to figure out the other end, with supervision. Get a tube of anti-sieze, and use it religiously, and then you won't need penetrating oil and a special vocabulary so often. BTW, there is no penetrating oil on the market near as good as a mix of Automatic Transmission Fluid and Acetone. You can probably find almost-used jugs of ATF to scrounge and add solvent to.

I'm not THAT[ well, comparitively] concerned with your actual homelesnes right now You can probably stay there as long as you need to, as long as you work your ass off. That's not really fair, but it would give you a chance to save up money while you research and make plans. also, keeping busy slopping the hogs or whatever, can help to make it easier to slip into the apathy and lethargy that so often accompany a severe depression.

If the family that you are staying with kicks you out, you still have options. Homeless shelters [and boy howdy do they suck] whatever offer Wozerree made [I think it was that person] and what we offered. We could probably find a way to come up with gas money. The travel trailer is old and not so nice, it is located in the city [behind Bobbys' shop] and has no running water or even a fridge that works. it is located near a bus stop and I know that Denver has resources specifically for women that are homeless and near homeless [I am specifically thinking of a place called 'The Gathering Place. I know it VERY well through personal experience. They serve meals, have classes, a food bank, used clothing, free counseling, can hook you up with healthcare. They also have a program called the "card project" that can help with "pin money" to supplement the SSDI. Right across the street from TGP is a place where they provide upscale clothing and makeup to women looking for work.{ I think you have to have proof that you have an interview]

Also, whenever you wanted you could hang out at the nudist resort in Indian Hills that we live in [ also a travel trailer, not so crappy though] with the most beautiful peaceful mountains in the world.

That is just one option. I have no idea what your other options are, but this is one, [too bad we;re not out there, Bobby is a mechanic, actually only brakes, front end work and alignments]

So, this is what I am more concerned about. A combination of four things. You are a woman. You have a codependent personality. You have great compassion. Your circumstances suck. Roll these things up with a little confusion and vulnerability. Now add in an ex boyfriend who is bad for you and you've got some potential for pretty severe problems. Even those of us going through a fairly tranquil period in our lives, when thrown together with an ex we care about but who is bad for us, have an issue maintaining that tranquility.

So, Opi, I guess i;m trying to say that as you go about with your "Cinderella" type duties, that you protect your heart from in ANY way believing that he is going to morph into Prince Charming.He is NOT your happily ever after.

If you have already gone to the point of no return, well, there IS no point of no return[ long as you're living] so, hang in there, keep us posted, and do not be afraid to share dumb mistakes or to ask for specific help with any needs.

I don't know about YouTube, but any of the popular mechanic's manuals specific for your make and year will be a huge help. I always carry one, even with only a couple of tools. One time, I found out how to easily access my windshield wiper linkage, and then it was easy to improvise a roadside repair. No manual is perfect, and every brand has people who hate it, but the basic format is still great for my AS mind.

manuals are awesome, but they are expensive, and youtube is both free and proliific on this model. so i'll see what is the best overall value.

tired, not sleeping so well. things around the house going a little smoother. trying to keep my wits about me and just wait out the next week.

lousy time to be out of my antidepressant. no real withdrawal from wellbutrin but my mood plummets. not a great time to be having to make plans/preparations/decisions.

the neighbor lady has taken a strong interest in me, thinks i'm the cat's meow, wants to find me an apartment (or help me find one) so i can stick around. i do kind of like the area, just not my situation. if i found a super cheap apartment i might consider staying a while. then again nothing in arizona is super cheap. and i'm lonely, and she's lonely, and it's nice to have a friend, but i've gotten very untrusting of anything that develops too quickly.

possible to leave as soon as the 18th although i have until the 21st. so i'm taking it a day at a time.

The manuals I'm thinking of, by Haynes or Chilton are under twenty bucks, AFAIR. They work anywhere, any time. The expensive Factory Service Manuals are better, and probably going for cheap, from former owners of such an old model, but they may not be as suitable for a novice. Tools, or access to them, is the bigger budget problem.

that's a good point about the haynes or chilton's. and i know what you mean about tools, especially since i lost my ratchet set. i used to have a good jack but someone stole it out of the back of my truck (big surprise there, never should have left it in the open). knowing how to USE the tools can be a skill in itself too, i've found. i remember getting a chilton's with the intention of changing a timing belt on my honda about 20 years ago, and not being able to get the first bolt off. then someone showed me how to use a piece of pipe to get leverage. there's other solutions of course - but just having the instructions didn't get me past having no practical skills in how to make it all happen. so i'm more modest now about what i *think* i can accomplish. i try not to make any assumptions.

i did help change the engine block gasket on my comanche, change the oil, and a couple other things which gives me a little head start on the cherokee, especially since they are the same year. i'm gonna study those swaybars but i'm a little reticent for safety reasons to actually try anything unless i'm sure i really grasp what to do. i'm also not sure about the bushings, whether they are even there -- and the bottom line is, it can be driven without them. the belts are in good shape fortunately. i think some of the hoses need to be replaced but i'm not going to fool with them and risk blowing something out, i'll wait and get someone local to replace them, i think i can probably get a reasonably good deal if i can't get someone to do it for free (small town, lots of people do their own work, if nothing else i think i can get a fair referral).

feeling okay this morning, not depressed, but not getting enough sleep either. both impatient and anxious about getting my check so i can leave next week.

what has become apparent is that Wife here gets mad at Husband and yells at him and then gets really controlling around whooever is available (me, son, whoever). still grateful for their help but having some trouble holding my temper when she starts nitpicking my housework. the amount of work i'm doing here, i should be getting a freakin' salary.

i did pick the horse's hooves yesterday, which was pretty cool. i haven't done that in 30 years and he is unshod and unused to having his feet handled, but he behaved very well for me. i'm amazed at how much i enjoy doing ANYTHING around horses, even cleaning the stupid pen. i also got to hold another, much wilder horse while his owner cleaned him up after a long fast ride (young horse who i'm quite sure enjoyed it very much). doesn't sound like much but it's cool. you have to really hold your own just in your presence and not be tense but be firm and know when the animal is about to try some mischief and let him know (not meanly) who is in charge with body language, etc. i really think if i'm going to work that this is the area i need to get into somehow.