In it for the Long Haul

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I am currently engaged to an Aspie. We are, in fact, both on the Spectrum. I am now experiencing some "growing pains" in this relationship. And I am feeling very overwhelmed. We both have what I shall refer to as blind spots. These blind spots keep getting activated, and we end up having disagreements in which we end up very upset.

I have tried posting in other online forums for relationships, and I am frustrated with how many people can only respond to my requests for support, by advising me to break up with my fiance. I am looking for support for how to remain a couple. Not support to break up. We are currently looking for counseling, but I am afraid that since typical relationship counseling is structured more for NTs than for Aspies, it will make things worse. Some of my fiance's behavior, if demonstrated by an NT male, would be interpreted as selfish, uncaring, or even cold. Yet coming from an Aspie, it is largely coming from a place of unawareness. Already my current counselor, (who is now on maternity leave) has advised me to rethink this relationship. She is not at all familiar with autism. So she views our problems from the standpoint of NT perception, and NT behaviors. Most of the advice I find on line is written for NT/Aspie partnerships, mostly in which the NT is a woman and the Aspie is a male.

Is anyone else in a relationship in which both partners are on the Spectrum?

sorry to hear about your problems hartz, I've always considered you one of the rare success stories on here. have you tried looking for a counselor who specialises in autistics? there must be one, even if it would take some travel on your part it might be worth it.

sorry I don't have any better advice, I know nothing about relationships

Thank you for responding, anyway! In a way I am still considering this relationship a success. I doubt that anyone has a problem free relationship. But I was hoping that other Aspie/Aspie couples might tell me how they manage. I am not looking to end this; this guy has a lot of good points, too. And yes, I have looked for counselors who know about autism, but the ones I have found are only for kids or teens. We did find a counselor who would do telephone counseling ( she's out of state) but she was far too expensive for us, unfortunately.

I am a suspected Aspie and my husband also has a lot of traits (although I think he is NT). We have been together for 13.5 years now and our relationship has had some ups and downs in that time. I have only recently (in the middle of August this year) found out about AS so, although we knew I had problems, we have never had the benefit of that understanding. We have felt on the brink of throwing in the towel at times, but deep down we have both been committed to the relationship and love each other very deeply. And we have always found a way through things and things have improved.

Our relationship has often seemed a bit peculiar to people looking in and, while our close friends know we are made for each other, many have questioned whether it will last or why we are together at all. But here we still are, and even if we do break up at some point in the future it will still have been a successful relationship for far longer than many other relationships last. We just have to keep walking our own path for as long as it makes us happy.

I don't know you, and I don't know what the specific answer to your problem is, but I do believe that it is possible that you will find a way through your present difficulties if that is what you both want.

I am sure beyond a reasonable doubt that I am on the spectrum, and I suspect that my wife is on the spectrum too.

As she puts it "I love you even though you're a pain in the ass". That seems to come into play a lot between us. We push each other's buttons, misinterpret things, read too much or too little into the other's words or actions, and so forth. Usually we withdraw, only to come back later and do a little "post-mortem" and understand each other better. And often find, to our surprise, expressions of love and of attempts at repairing the situation that flew right over the other's head.

I still feel "in over my head" a lot, but I've felt that way for a long time and I've managed this long, so it looks like we'll keep it together.

I really appreciate this feedback. I always find after we have worked out a misunderstanding that the love is there, stronger than ever. It is a real challenge with two Aspies, but we are both committed to see this through. Yet no one should have to do it alone. I have found a counselor who can see us both, but we are afraid that it will do more harm than good if they are not familiar with AS. Meanwhile, I found this article and my fiance was so incredibly validated by reading it. Of course it is geared towards female NT/ male AS relationships, but I find that my issues with the emotional aspects are very similar to that of an NT woman. And, maybe this can help others:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spe ... d-marriage

If you both want to be with each other that is half the battle. It may just be a slightly unconventional relationship that works for you. If there are no outward signs or either of you being hurt by the relationship i.e. not abusive, not preventing you reaching your potential, then why break up if that is not your gut feeling.

My husband is NT, although very geeky.I would say that in a NT relationship we could possibly break up and I wouldn't share our problems with others as know what they'd say. We did have counselling years ago and still had problems for years e.g. sex life even on our honeymoon. We have however been together for 10 years and got married in May. I get major doubts about being with him but I think it is more about getting worked up an emotional/overanalysing than actually wanting to do this.

I try and express what is in my head, which does not come naturally. If I am upset I withdraw. If I sit and stew on it then it will build up until I shout at him, so better to say something at an early stage.
He is very patient and keeps coming back even when I am mean, illogical and say horrible things to him or about myself that are not really true. When I have been depressed and cried he has tried to logically solve things and can't understand why the same problems keep occurring. I think sometimes it is better to sit these things out on my own or hug him and just not talk about it. I find when I'm in one of those moods the more he says the more I argue back just to be stubborn. I spent ages being convinced I had a fear of childbirth and could never have children and he just believed I'd come round. I have come round I went in a fortnight to being quite strongly against children and not really liking them to deciding to have kids! I just announced it to him one day with no warning. I worked out I did want them but was just anxious/depressed and anti-depressants are making me feel better in myself. Since we made this decision our sex life has made big steps forward. A previous therapist said it would be a barrier to having kids.

I did find an Asperger friendly therapist from the National Autistic Society in the UK. I am also having some therapy with a psychologist at a specialist Aspergers Centre following my recent diagnosis. You might be able to find one.

That is why I titled this topic In It For The Long Haul. I wanted to convey that I am committed but need some feedback from others in similar situations. I tried posting in an NT marriage forum, and two guys immediately said I should break up.

I do this too!

I do this, but also when I do decide to talk about it, I do so until he gets overwhelmed and runs from the room.

This too. One thing that I take comfort from, is that he told me that if we ever broke up, it would have to be myself leaving him, and not the other way around.

We are certainly looking for support but in this state it seems to be all geared towards children!