Need sanity check - friend's online contact with kids

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Hello fellow adult aspies and others on the spectrum,

I've been offline for a while, and am getting back into reading here. I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it. I will appreciate any comments and guidance you can offer.

I've mentioned here that I have Asperger's diagnosis. I also have bipolar disorder type I - mixed and am recovering from sexual abuse from people outside my family when I was a boy. I'm saying that just for reintroduction and to give you some background about why I don't totally trust my judgment in this situation.

I have a 44-year-old friend--let's call him Ted--who tells me he has an Asperger's diagnosis. Based on everything I have learned about the syndrome, Ted does indeed have the condition. I also know that we aspies can be obsessive about various things--for me, the obsessions have rocks, bells, dinosaurs, and so forth. Ted is obsessed with children, particularly teens.

If this were just an interest in children that was abstract, I wouldn't be concerned. However, he is contacting children online in chats and on various sites and that behavior is triggering really scary memories in me of my abuse.

Ted has various teen friends online. One is a 17-year-old youth and another is Bob, a 14-year-old boy, who is a best friend of Ted's 15-year-old nephew. Ted is telling me how he wants to investigate the 14-year-old to see if he is an appropriate friend for his cousin. To do that, he's talking about setting up a three-way Skype chat so that Ted, Ted's nephew, and Bob can talk, and Ted can accomplish 2 stated objectives:

1. Find out whether Bob is an "acceptable" friend for Ted's nephew. Presumably, if Bob doesn't seem suitable, Ted will talk to his brother and sister-in-law and recommend that they terminate the kids' friendship.

2. Ask Bob about an idea to make a sequel to the movie Hesher, that I haven't seen but that Ted tells me is based on a story of a troubled youth.

Ted has mentioned his nephew recounts that Bob is also a very troubled youth, has a lousy relationship with his parents, has "marijuana-related stuff" "liked" all over his Facebook page, and sneaks out of his home at night and spends the night at his friends' homes.

To me, the idea of using a contact with Bob to get ideas about a possible movie is absurd. The idea of sequels and prequels has merit and has proved successful occasionally, but there are many stories waiting to be told, and many stories now in the public domain that are waiting to be retold in fresh, engaging ways.

Ted has previously considered making another sequel to The Blues Brothers that would be about the teenage children of Jake and Elwood Blues. I have concluded that focusing a
movie on teens seems more like an obsession than a creative vision.

I have another friend who is an independent filmmaker. Until a few days ago, I was going to introduce Ted to the filmmaker. Now, I don't want to do that because I don't want to be enabling fantasies that are not going to materialize into any work of art.

Here's the bottom line: for some reason, deep in my gut, this scares the crap out of me. I don't want to suspect my friend of looking for ways to abuse children, but I cannot just dismiss this obsession as a typical aspie one.

I am increasingly very uncomfortable with Ted's online befriending of youths in their teens. To hear Ted talk, he seems far more interested in his nephew's life than he does in his own.

Frankly, the idea of Ted examining Bob via Skype to determine if Bob is an "appropriate" friend for Ted's nephew shocks and worries me. To set up a three-way conversation with him on Skype, by whatever artifice, seems totally out of bounds.

Simply stated, it is just not normal for adults to befriend teens like that on the Internet. It's not cool or appropriate, and it scares me. It is the job of the nephew's parents to decide with whom the nephew may and may not spend his time.

By contrast, all of my friends range in ages from early 30s to early 50s. I don't have any teen friends. It doesn't seem normal, even for an aspie, to be trying to develop friendships with people so many years younger. Moreover, Ted met at least one of the friends at an online gay/bisexual fetish site that was requiring visitors to state they were 18 years old or older.

I am seriously considering telling Ted that he needs to stop the online contact with kids and get into some serious therapy to resolve whatever issues are pushing him to befriend those minors. I know making friends is difficult for us aspies, but this situation seems really inappropriate. Whenever I try to explain it rationally to myself, my stomach starts moving around, as if to sound some kind of alarm.

If Ted is not going to stop this scary behavior and start connecting with people his own age, I am going to bail out of the friendship. I hate to do that because it seems harsh and sometimes I am not the best at understanding social cues and people's social agendas. At the same time, it is freaking me out to know that Ted is making various friends, one-on-one, with teens on the Internet and acting like it's perfectly normal.

Please help me get some better understanding of what is or may be going on here. If I am really missing something obvious, please say so. I need candor because my own judgment here is entirely visceral.

My friends are mostly guys in their mid- to late 40s with whom I share some sports or recreational activities and interests. I can't hang around with someone who wants to socialize mainly with teens.

I know this is convoluted and apologize for that. This has been scaring me so much that I am just getting the words out and not editing much because I really need to get some solid feedback. I will talk to some friends in my city, too, but it's important to know what other aspies think about the situation.

Thanks in advance for helping me with this difficult thing.

Um, he could be a pedophile. I don't know how close of a friend he is, but I would be bringing his activities to the attention of the local police.

There is inappropriate written all over this with a capital I. You are absolutely correct that this behavior is way out of bounds.

"1. Find out whether Bob is an "acceptable" friend for Ted's nephew. Presumably, if Bob doesn't seem suitable, Ted will talk to his brother and sister-in-law and recommend that they terminate the kids' friendship."

This is not a matter for Ted to intervene. This should be between Ted's nephew and the nephew's parents.

As for the movie Hesher: It was a film made in 2010. Here is the excerpt from Wikipedia

After the tragic loss of his mother, T. J. (Devin Brochu) and his pill popping father (Rainn Wilson) are forced to live with T. J.'s elderly grandmother (Piper Laurie). A young man with a troubled past named Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) assumes the role of both mentor and tormentor, leading T. J. into troubles he could never have imagined. A young grocery clerk named Nicole (Natalie Portman) steps in to protect T. J., and becomes the object of T. J.'s fantasies, while Hesher moves into Grandma's home. Although uninvited, he is somehow accepted.

http://www.fandango.com/hesher_139013/movieoverview

"Moreover, Ted met at least one of the friends at an online gay/bisexual fetish site that was requiring visitors to state they were 18 years old or older. "

If he is having contact, even "just" online written contact that is sexual in nature with a minor, he is committing a criminal act. You shouldn't be wondering if you should cut off the friendship (which is a yes), but you should be reporting him to the police.

Thank you, caissa and OneStepBeyond, for helping me think clearly and realistically about this. I appreciate your comments.

i'd be unsure too in your situation- worrying incase it was all perfectly innocent and i was tarnishing his name etc. but i think it's one of those situations where it's best to be safe, and also relieve yourself of any sense of responsibility if anything were to happen by telling the police to keep an eye on things.

Hi Regular Guy,

I'd definitely let the authorities know what "Ted" is up to. He honestly doesn't sound like much of a friend if he's contacting under-aged kids for his own perverse pleasure. I know, I was molested between the ages of 9 & 12 by a friend of my parents. He did things to me right under my parents' noses (he even had the nerve to ask my dad permission-dad said yes). He's going to do something very bad to someone. Maybe it won't be today, but it will escalate. My molester murdered a man in cold blood after I stood up to him & turned him down. I've lived with that guilt since I was 12 years old because I never told anyone what happened. Long story.

Anyway, if "Ted" were to get caught after the fact, how would it make you feel if you could have prevented such an incident from happening & you did nothing? If I could go back in time, I would have grown a spine & turned the jerk in for being a pervert. I might have saved a life doing so. I would have even done myself a huge favor by doing it.


Tomboy

If you feel uncomfortable with his friendship (and your experience gives you reasons to feel uncomfortable), the best you can do is ending it. I am not sure about going to the police, though. Making friends with young people is not a crime. Unless he is sexually molesting them there is nothing wrong there. I enjoy making friends with young people, but I refrain myself because people react the way you do. They always think there is something nasty or sexual involved. In my case, thats not true. But I do not like fetish/sexual sites either, so... maybe you are right and something else is happening. By the way, I would LOVE to wach Hesher. Great performance by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I agree with Ilka. I think it's easy for something like this to end up being a witch hunt.

If you don't feel comfortable with informing the authorities, then at least distance yourself from the friendship. That way you won't be implicated if he acts on his fantasies. It's tough when it's a friend, but if your gut is telling you it's wrong, then it probably is wrong. I know that I would have a hard time turning a friend over to the authorities based upon mere suspicions no matter how strong they are.

I have minimized contact with this friend. It's hard, but the dude needs to get into some serious therapy.

If he really is your friend, a close friend, and you just can't cut that part off, and you want to help, I'd suggest finding a therapist. Telling them about the situation, and doing a confrontation type therapy session. Might wake him up, might save his life, might save a lot of kids.

I completely get the police route, and I'm trying to have some hope that they'd do something, but unfortunately, I've discovered a lot of that is TV. No joke here, I have turned in 2, yes 2 felons who were either in my company or who were contractors for the company that were caught red handed violating serious weapons regulations....you'd think they'd be taken seriously like oh say child molesting....NOTHING was done. In fact they are siting me on some of the activities they did and at least in one case, since the authorities haven't done anything, I have one of the bastards looking at suing me because if they feds didn't prosecute him, it must not have been a serious crime and terminating him for it was wrong. And these weren't I think he did, type situations, these are pure, statutory violations of the law, with the opposite party admitting openly the did them, with physical evidence to support. SO you could say my faith in law enforcement is less than 100%

Hence the best thing I can do is push him into therapy on it. He needs it. Therapists will take action and then you know you've done your best and all you can do.


my 2 cents

Thanks, Mike. I appreciate your therapy suggestion. Ted is a friend and I would like to help, if I can.

I am going to talk about the situation with a local friend that I have known for over 15 years. I am confident that he will tell me the same things you are all telling me, and I really appreciate all your responses. Since he has known me so long, my local buddy Dave might be able to fill in some details of things I might have forgotten to mention here on WP. I thank you and everyone else who has responded because you're helping me think a lot more clearly about this situation and how to handle it skillfully.

Thanks again!

It looks like you have gotten some good advice and it sounds like you are treading a
fine line - I agree the police are not appropriate given that you have no knowledge of illegal acts.
On the other hand I can smell the potential for a massive a train wreck...
Wrong Planet scares me because as an old fart I want to avoid
any inappropriate contact with a youth given today's climate
even an innocent friendship is perilous.