OTRS/CP and www.faaas.org

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I'd never heard of this before or seen it discussed on WP. I've spent the last two days mentally evaluating myself, my family and our relationships as they relate to this new (to me) information and expect this will consume much of my free time. Needless to say I see many parallels to my life and family situation as regards to spouse, children and parents.

I've gone through a number of emotional states because of this and expect for this to continue for a while, but then I admit, at times, to over dramatize, so please judge for yourself.

I'll be sharing this with family near Easter. I hope this is the right thing to do.

I hope everyone has a chance to Google this information and visit the site, and evaluate this information for themselves. I decided to post here as it (I feel) especially applies to the older adult aspie....perhaps something should b posted in a more "general" forum as well?

Ideas?

There have been threads about this. Try searching "cassandra" on WP.

But maybe it would be better if you said a little more about what you are feeling?

How did reading that stuff strike you? What are you thinking about now?

It's traumatic to live with someone who seemingly does not try to understand. Reading the threads on WP one sees all kinds of evidence of empathy, and understanding, as well as over reading (and failing to read) into what's written.

They state that it's traumatic to have a family member on the spectrum and neglect the trauma the spectrumite experiences in the world. I think that trauma to the spectrumite may be the thing which impairs his ability to relate, rather than just the AS. That's not to negate that AS has an affect, of course it does. But having AS does not prevent ongoing caring which is what they seem to me to suggest, though granted I can only stomach superficial rereading of their pages. I've read some stuff there in the past though.

The thing that's most frustrating to me about their views, though, is they seem focused on males being on the spectrum and hurting others. Interestingly, when women are on the spectrum, they often experience exactly what NT women supposedly experience in relationships with AS men. The inconsistency frustrates me.....how is it a neurological issue so detrimental in relationships......suddenly reverses if it's the woman who has AS? I'm not sure what people think happens when it's just the female partner with AS, perhaps the male partner has a similar experience. Doesn't help bring together how if both partners have AS, or just the male, the woman's experience is the same, yet it's AS that's the villain.

I don't like inconsistencies

I agree. Although the tone seems on the surface inclusive, I find them to be filled with prejudices that negate any potential value. Not least being the inaccurate and offensive idea that Aspies are incapable of learning to modify behavior which is distressing to others.

I feel I am less than a person when I read things there, and I would not want my daughter with AS to read and believe most of what they say.

If the site is valuable to you, OP, I am glad. But I do not think it offers much to family members upset about their relative that is realistic and hopeful besides someone to commiserate with that they are suffering. If they benefit that's great. I stay away.

Yes, keep in mind what works for you may not for family who've found ways (hopefully) to adjust to and appreciate you as you are.

I'm not sure what I did, but you're welcome.

Is your wife or are any of your kids on the spectrum?

You're expressing your true experiences, and not some "line."

I think Zen appreciates that.

My family is not neurotypical, so the kind of stark US/THEM dichotomy depicted on the FAAS and Neurotypical sites isn't applicable.

There are traits all through my family and my wife's family that make the ideas expressed on those sites less than meaningful or helpful to us.

My wife is NT, in that she is not autistic, but she is part of the neurodiverse community in that she has traits of other non-NT neurological patterns that run in her family. From the perspective of the social/emotional communication issues at the core of autism, she is NT.

Given this complicated reality, it's impossible to draw the kind of simplistic, black & white picture described by the proponents of the OTRS concept. I am sure that at times my traits have been a pain in the ass for my wife to deal with, but I have also helped her deal with things in life that I can do and she can't. I think we are complimentary and I find statements like "You will be a caregiver only" directed at the NT partner in an NT-AS relationship both untrue and unhelpful.

I take care of my family.

As the sole "breadwinner," I support them financially. In a stereotypically male way, I fix stuff around the house: I replaced the old electric outlets with new grounded receptacles when we moved into this house. I do the carpentry when something is failing. I snake the drain and I know which teflon tape to use to install a new gas appliance (I have installed a stovetop, an oven and a two gas dryers since we moved here). I do homework with the kids because they like the way I explain things.

But I also tell my kids I love them. I hug them, give them first aid, calm them down when they are feaked out and help them to laugh when life seems like too much.

I talk through my wife's emotional states with her. I cook special meals for her and give her massages. I try to take care of her emotional well being.

My family loves me and I love them.

I know that there are times when I don't recognize an emotional need or state and something needs to be spelled out for me. I am sure it is sometimes disappointing when I fail to be telepathic in that way, but I try to compensate for that by asking how they are feeling. Once I do understand their inner states, I do everything I can to help, to let them know how much I care and to make them feel better or celebrate their successes and joys with them.

I have seen plenty of NT husbands and fathers who I think are, frankly, much worse in both roles than I am. Since those men apparently have an easier time reading and understanding the emotional states of their families, I can only guess that this means they are really nasty, selfish people who see the hurt they do to their families and just don't care.

What I see in the Cassandra and OTRS pages doesn't look like my family at all.

My wife, like me, sometimes suffers from depression. If I had not known her since we were both in high school, I might be tempted to take the blame for that, but the reality is that depression runs in her family. I helped bring her out of a bad episode when we were both young adults. Our lives together over the last three decades are so intertwined that I don't know how one could describe either of us without in some way noting the influence of the other and importance of the relationship. Could I try to pick apart the worst parts of her life and find ways that I have been less than perfect? Sure. I don't see how it could be any other way. But does that mean "the autism did it?" I don't think so.

I don't think FAAS has anything to offer us. When I found out about my autism, I found the FAAS website and I gave my wife the link, but she took a look and wasn't interested in what they had.

So I am not going to put a lot of time or energy into worrying about OTRS. I want to focus on helping my wife to be as happy as she can be for the rest of our lives together and I want to help my kids to be happy and to grow into happy and free adults. That's where my focus is. I don't see support for our goals as a family at FAAS and I don't see that the idea of OTRS is going to help us in any way.