The mystery in the rejection

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I've been listening this crap for years of therapists... they often ask me "what is a normal person for you?" My opinion on this subject is that they don't really care about us. Is very silly when you say that something is wrong, someone ask you "what is right for you?". They think they have a "great perception" about us, the ret*ds...

I read somewhere that as an Aspie got older and had more information and experiences, that NT behavior would be more doable. I'm 65, and it ain't. Just like you guys, I try to behave well, ask about babies, share very little personal, try not to bore people, do my job well, and still...there you go. Takes about 6 months, and I can feel the climate changing. Sometimes I wonder if I smell bad. Limiting interactions seems to help.
I've thought a lot about this for the last three years. I mean, I've even been rejected by a witch coven...too prickly. I never even argued with anyone! So, now I wonder, since I just got the dx and have done buckets of reading. Our brains are wired differently. Could it be that we don't put out the "right" wave lengths? Our electromagnetic fields may be just off enough for people to be irritated, like stroking a cat's fur the wrong way. Since they can't pin it to something specific, they make something up or blow a behavior that would be acceptable in an NT who "felt" right, into something they can use to get us out of their electromagnetic field. The people who have accepted me have either been a little aspie themselves, very bright, or very empathetic. Oh, and VERY secure and non competitive.
and as for therapists, if they don't know about Asperger's, don't go there. I found a clinical psychologist with a special interest in Aspies, and the difference was remarkable. It's the difference between a general practitioner and a neurosurgeon when you need brain surgery.
And ManErg, you do well with one person because your brain can manage it in terms of sensory input. When it's more input, the frontal lobe doesn't have enough connections to keep up. Think freeways (NT brains) vs two lane country road. We can concentrate better, I think.

Azcate, I have the same experience as you. And welcome to WP ! !

Reject me and you reject my reality MY REALITY BECOMES YOURS

I don't think that it makes sense...

My experience is similar to yours, in that while I have very gradually improved my social skills, I still have frequent 'failures of connection', the key factor being that I have no idea what I've done or said wrong. If anything at all.

Your idea about EM fields certainly makes as much sense as anything to do with body language or eye contact!

There are a lot of articles about how to train your Aspies to be NT's: "Men!! !! ! (and ladies)....it CAN be done!! !! Just follow my 7 step guide to NT-ism". Seems to especially resonate with the 20-somethings. My social life improved in my 20's too, without consciously following any Program. Yet 20 years later, I still get regular experiences of hostility for no apparent reason. I wonder if it doesn't have more to do with the NT's growing up and open hostility becoming less acceptable for them even though they may feel dislike to you, more than the results of any 'Program'.



Same here. I think what I've learnt to do is quickly and almost unconsciously identify these types of people. Insecure, competitive people are quite easy to spot (ostentatious displays of social status...) and I waste no effort on these people as these are the ones who will sooner or later, develop emnity towards me for no apparent reason.

The workplace is the worst place for all this, as you may find yourself stuck with people you can't get away from. I've stayed in my current job for 7 years largely because I don't have contact with this sort of person. I had one incident a couple of years ago that showed it is still possible to happen, though. A couple of team members and project manager just had it in for me for no reason I ever ascertained, trying to get me to mess up so they had something concrete behind their negative impressions of me. At one point, the project manager actually got a mild reprimand as he had been publicly 'dissing' me and a senior manager (who respects my skills) hauled the PM up for unprofessional behavior! Of course, he disliked me even more after this, but at least had to control his behaviour.

My response was to work harder and better, yet they hated it as they really wanted me to fail. Luckily, the key instigator left and I completed the task ahead of schedule (got no thanks, though, obviously) and moved on.

Receiving some support from other senior staff is a good reason to stay at a place, despite the occasional urge to move on.

Very interesting thread. When you hear the word 'rejection' you somehow get an image of someone being told explicity that they don't like you or don't want to know you any more. But this very subtle, drawn-out rejection is something else, you don't know where you stand.

Trying to act NT can help. I worked in an office with three others, one of whom was particularly uncomfortable with me around. I read some of the Dear Aspie articles on this site (highly recommended!) and really made an effort to make eye contact, not stare up at lights, not tap the table all the time, etc. The imporvement in our relationshiip was amazing. She actually greeted me, chatted to me, asked my opinions. It all culminated in an invite to her Christmas party with all the others in our dept.

As some posters have said, support is essential. If you're on your own all the time, how can you learn the norms properly. Since I got married, my wife is always good enugh to subtly point out my mistakes, for example, I used to bite my nail s constantly, but she pointed out that I look a bit weird with my fingers in my mouth all the time. I'd never really thought of it that way.

I was pretty disgusted to hear about people's experiences with psychologists and the like. It sounded to me like they were really just trying to make you feel better, make you feel like you are in control of what's going on. But asking what you think is 'normal' doesn't help in real-life situations. I really sympathise with you.

And finally (sorry, long post, but there are so many interesting points being made), the idea of the wrong kind of brainwaves being given off by Aspies might be true. I tend to think that it has more to do with body language and the vibes you give off. I try and stand up straight, look ahead rather than down, keep my hands to my sides, and I get treated much better for some reason.

Alarm Bells!! !! ! I pray that you don't get put through what I've had to put up with from a manipulative ex-wife in the last few years. BUT...if not careful this can go really bad.

One thing worth trying in any relationship is to observe how they react when you point out their mistakes as nobody is perfect. With my ex-wife it was totally not tolerated. Every fault in her behaviour (little faults that could happen to anyone like lying, cheating, controlling, infidelity etc...) was, according to her 'perfectly nornal behaviour' in 'normal people'. The other side of the coin is that to her, giving birth to a 10 ton concrete block would be less painful than actually pointing out any good points in me Her explanation for all this was that I was not normal and was a paranoid on the edge of (or even in the middle of) a psychotic breakdown.

Sincere apologies for slipping into rant mode, but this is recent history and I'm VERY angry about it right now

My experience with psychotherapy has been a mixed bag. I don't think I can be cured as there is actually nothing to cure! What's really helped me is to have a neutral who is very experienced with mental illness assess me as 100% neither psychotic nor paranoid. Which, due to my absorbing my ex-wifes ongoing campaign to cover her deceit, I had believed was the case.

I may stop going soon as what I need to recover from right now is not a psychological problem, but the effects of being on the negative end of a truly horrible relationship. And I think that is possible just by getting back to myself and living my own life again.

The big problem with all this rejection is the negativity we have to live with because of it. Until we figure out that it isn't anything we are somehow doing intentionally, we accept that we are somehow at fault, and the consequences of that internalized judgement is really crazy making. Tony Attwood said that if you wanted to make your aspie kid normal and happy, put him in a room by himself and let him do his favorite things. Living with all that negativity is enough to cause depression and even ill health, since we are always overstressed and our bodies never can move into healing mode. To add insult to injury, we tend to believe what other people say. Aaargh!

I'd be interested to know what you all (I am from the south of the us originally, so I can say "you all") do to deal with the pain and negativity. I've found that chanting and kirtan from the hindu tradition are very calming. I listen to cds in the car and chant along. Also, deliberately refusing to think negatively seems to help. The more you ruminate over negativity, the more you develop those neural pathways, and the worse it gets. Amen, who writes on ADHD, calls them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) and you can choose not to think them. Eating properly and getting exercise also help me buffer the negativity. And sometimes I get a real chuckle and some much needed perspective when I remember that what people criticize or dislike in me is probably what they dislike most about themselves.

Take care and be well Cate

Wow, I had missed this whole second page, hadn't received notification of the posts! Thanks to everyone for the comments!!

In regard to dealing with the pain of being constantly rejected, constantly changing friends and acquaintances all my life, constantly mourning the loss of another loved one to rejection..in the last few years I've lived life in a constant state of mourning, I listen to sad music, go to parks and nostalgic places...it does me good. I can't stand the shallow, noisy atmospheres. I retreat to my exploration and studying of things that interest me, cooking, Photography, contemplation, reading, thinking, and things that are gentle and sweet, including wearing comfy, soft clothes. I live a very different life from everyone else, because I don't care for the things that most care about. I don't like artificial lighting, electronic music, plastic anything... I find solace in churches, monasteries, and convent gardens, though I'm Jewish, but the atmosphere of misericordy in those places does me a world of good. I also retreat to my inner world where people are actually nice and care for something other than money. And I take rejection as a given, I don't even get sad about it anymore. I have been able to develop this way of life partly with the help of anti-depressants, because the pain of constant firings and frantic looking for jobs at my age was too excruciating to endure.

Hi Green Tea,

I have yet to figure out what makes other people acceptable, while I am not! Just Saturday, I went on a church outing to help a couple of elderly women fix up their homes as they were in desparate need of TLC. Once again, I was left standing on the sidelines while everyone else interacted. Basically, I was ignored. This always seems to happen to me. I also have no clue what I am doing wrong, & no one tells me anything. So I am left wondering why this occurs. It's really frustrating to be 40+ & not understand what's going on. I so wish I had something useful to assist you! May times, I feel like I am right back in my school days, when kids were required to pick names. Same ol' s***t, different day.

Tomboy, this happened to me at lunch today. We went 2 teams togethwr from the office. I watched around the table, everyone was talking to someone and I was the only one though in the middle of it all, but alone. People only talk to me if I talk to them first. I've no f*****g idea why. 46 years of racking my brain for the answer didn't get me one bit closer to a clue...

Yeah know? I sure wish someone would just frickin' say something to clue us in instead of just assuming we know what's going on! I get so fed up trying to fit in! There's nothing worse than feeling invisible.

Btw Greentea, I think you're cool! I sure wish we lived in the same neighborhood! You & I have some of the same interests. We could hang out together.

That's the heart of the matter right there. Most people are so afraid of anyone different than themselves that they will do everything they can to remove the threat and feel better about themselves. I'm finding that my AS is an excellent "people barometer" -- nice, decent people who are accepting of others' differences will not reject me out of hand. Those who do are not worth wasting my time and energy on.

I don't have any use for therapists. When I was a teenager still living with my abusive parents, a therapist told me that it was my own fault that I was unhappy. And she never spotted the abuse, even though my brother and I were both showing all the classic signs. My friend who tried to commit suicide was told by a counselor that she had slashed her wrists the wrong way! Thank goodness she never tried again since now she knows the right way to do it! That same counselor was dismissive of another friend's talk about committing suicide (fortunately, she was just wanting attention -- my tears made her realize that was the wrong way to go about it).

Parallel universe topic

We can see/hear/smell each other, touch (literally) each other, exist together (but do not ask me to taste them ),but it is like parallel play. There is no connection. Let us just agree to recognize each other as beings deserving respect but I cannot really enter the NT world, and I truly have no desire for their life.

sartreuse, well said. I agree, word by word. We're like in different dimensions. The older I get, the more pronounced the gap becomes. In spite of all my added knowledge and insight into how to behave like them, the gap only grows bigger and bigger.