Cyclothymia is killing me

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TallyMan
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09 Nov 2011, 10:29 am

The-Raven wrote:

Poor you

remember it gets worse with the season change so try and get some sunlight on your skin and go for walks every day (boosts serotonin) also some food boots serotonin such as bananas, coriander and turkey so try and eat more of that. Cherish yourself and treat yourself kindly.

I know how hard it is, my thoughts are with you.
Grit your teeth and keep up the struggle *big hugs*

Thank you for the hugs. Sunlight certainly seems to lift my mood. I generally enjoy being outside in my vegetable garden tending to the plants.

The odd thing is that at this moment I feel perfectly fine and normal, like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me; but tomorrow I could be seriously thinking again about how best to kill myself!! ! I find the abrupt and extreme switch in mood incomprehensible. :scratch:

However, the medication seems to be working better today, and despite the fog in my brain my mood is more level. Right, I'd better do some more work...

I'll do my best to treat myself kindly and think positive. Thanks for the positive support, it does help.

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sunshower
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09 Nov 2011, 2:46 pm

TallyMan wrote:

jennyishere wrote:

I'm sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, TM. I don't know how you always manage to sound so reasonable and good-humoured when you have so much to deal with. I really hope things improve for you. Jenny

Thank you Jenny. By nature I am generally easy going and good-humoured. When low I don't tend to post at all rather than inflict negativity on anyone, so this side of me is rarely seen. Creating this thread and effectively "outing myself" is quite out of character for me. However, it feels like a relief being able to openly express these things rather than just keep them to myself. It is clear there are other people on this site with similar issues and it somehow helps to share with them. I don't feel quite so alone, and it helps.

TallyMan wrote:

I didn't realise you were so badly affected by this.

As you said in response to Jenny, I am also generally an easy-going person and would choose posting nothing over inflicting negativity on others. The only reason some of it is spilling out now is that things are becoming very severe and during downswings I find myself losing control over my actions.

But yeah, things are very bad for me. I've been an invalid since the end of March this year. My main focus is to stay alive, stay as healthy is I can, and do as much research as I can, on the off occasions I am able to. I am not well/"up" for long enough periods of time to attempt any creative projects or complicated work projects (1 to 2 hours tops). Basic bank stuff and paying rent on the flat I mostly can't live in I can manage. Plus often when I am well/"up" it is complicated by paralyzing anxiety or extreme psychomotor agitation, making me unable to do anything at all.

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Henbane
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09 Nov 2011, 2:54 pm

I'm glad you've picked up a bit Tallyman.

I can relate to some of your experiences with mood changes, and have had a bipolar II diagnosis in the past, although I think it was probably incorrect.

Having spent quite a lot of time on Bipolar forums I've noticed that lamotrigine seems to be one of the most favoured mood stabilisers, which has a strong anti depressant effect. I did try it myself for some time, and noticed it did help me to some extent, although I'm trying life without medication these days.

Anyway, I hope you continue to feel better. Working in the outdoors, in nature, certainly helps me too. Sunshine, wildlife, and nature's cycles, are great reminders that life can be good, and all things pass.

jennyishere
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10 Nov 2011, 2:31 am

How are you today, TM?

TallyMan
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10 Nov 2011, 4:56 am

jennyishere wrote:

How are you today, TM?

Fairly neutral/level this morning, but feeling very tired from the medication. Thank you for asking.

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jennyishere
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10 Nov 2011, 5:46 am

I'm sorry you're so tired, TM, but I'm glad you're feeling "neutral" rather than really down. I hope you remember to be kind to yourself and to get outdoors in your garden for a while. (I'm really enjoying my vegetable garden at the moment- we tried growing artichokes for the first time this year, and they've been quite interesting and successful.)

Keep us posted on how you're going- you have a lot of friends here, so there should always be company if you need it.

sunshower
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11 Nov 2011, 4:14 pm

Anyone here had any experience with Valproate induced nausea?

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FaeryEthereal
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11 Nov 2011, 7:23 pm

TallyMan wrote:

For me, most of the time it doesn't cause me any problems, but occasionally (every few years) the mood swings become much more severe and unstable. This is the first time I've taken medication to try to help me because frankly without it I think there is a high probability I would take my own life.

When relatively normal (this lasts for a number of years) in the up phase I'm a positive person, highly creative, quite chatty and friendly and hard working. In the down phase I tend to be negative in outlook and tend to expect the worst to happen, I have little energy to do things even those that I normally enjoy doing. I tend to withdraw from people and am not very talkative and have difficulty thinking of things to even talk about. People don't generally find me to be a moody person, but instead rather laid-back and easy going. Over the years several people have said I'm like Spock on Star Trek, unemotional and logical. This must be the Asperger side of me.

When the swings become more severe, as they are at the moment, in the up phase I have difficulty sleeping because my mind just won't stop or slow down to allow me to sleep. Ideas and thoughts bombard me none-stop. My mind is like a whirlwind. When like this I am extremely creative and can do lots of work or solve very complex problems. It is like the accelerator pedal in my brain is jammed down hard. I tend to talk very quickly and be almost ecstatic with happiness. However, with only the slightest trigger (or no trigger at all) that mood can swing into despair. In the down phase I tend to sleep a lot, be very miserable and have suicidal thoughts. I am unable to think clearly and my emotions are very jumbled. I am unable to relate to people in a coherent manner and tend to read the worst into the slightest thing that happens or that people do. I try to avoid talking to people when this low because I cannot connect with them at all and tend to push people away, so I just wait for the lows to pass, usually secretly, not even telling those closest to me the severity of how low I feel. Today I'm moderately upbeat and looking forward to doing some programming work.

The most bizarre thing about cyclothymia, for me anyway, (when it goes into big swings) is that when high it is impossible to comprehend why I felt suicidal the day before or will maybe feel suicidal the following day. When in the low state it is impossible to comprehend how I could possibly be so happy and positive the day before or that I might be that high and happy again tomorrow. It is a complete roller coaster of extreme emotions. However, as I mentioned, the severe bouts only occur every few years. The last time I was this bad was eight years ago and led to a serious suicide attempt. I'm now 51 but suspect that I've suffered from cyclothymia from at least my early twenties. There is some blurring of the lows with depression too, something which tends to be relatively common in people with AS too. My first serious suicidal thoughts occurred when I was in my early teens, but I think they were more related to Aspergers plus clinical depression. I don't remember any rapid cycling in mood back then.

For the most part I think cyclothymia is a positive thing when the swings are relatively small. The boost of energy and creativity make life worth living and enjoyable. The lows don't tend to be that bad, relatively speaking and can be lived with.

I read somewhere that cyclothymia is grossly undiagnosed and is often considered by medical professionals to be a personality trait rather than a disorder - unless the swings start to become severe.

@FaeryEthereal - How do your experiences compare with mine? Are they similar at all? I do have periods when I feel level, like this moment in time, I'm neither low nor high, maybe just slightly on the up phase.

WOW! VERY similar to me TallyMan! Especially the parts I have enbolded. Only difference is that I am a very moody intense person, and my mood swings have been evident since I was 2 years old, they were so extreme my mother tried to get help but no-one would listen, if I was a child today I would have gotten diagnosed at a young age but it is hard to tell apart what was an autistic meltdown and what was Cyclothymia. I can have days when I am laid back and easy-going but not all that often. I am not like Spock either but I have been told I come across as aloof and although I am the creative type I am also very analytical and solitary.

FaeryEthereal
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11 Nov 2011, 7:27 pm

TallyMan wrote:

When the Cyclothymia is less extreme I've found I can generally live with the highs and lows. I know that in a few hours time or few days I will be feeling level or high again. Cyclothymia is part of my temperament too. In fact I only discovered Cyclothymia a year or so ago after it was suggested to me by someone who also experiences similar tendencies. My doctor has since confirmed this suggestion. It is certainly a complex issue. When the highs are applied to the special interests of Aspergers it can make us highly creative and intuitive in those areas and give us insights that most people are oblivious of.

So very true and very validating to hear it from someone else who also has both AS & Cyclothymia.

TallyMan
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12 Nov 2011, 4:53 am

Just to add an update. I think the medication is working now. I've been quite stable the last couple of days and the severe depressive bouts appear to have gone. I hope they don't come back! The medication is still causing drowsiness but that is easing, presumably as my body gets used to the drugs. Thank you to the people who have posted in this thread, it has helped.

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qwan
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18 Apr 2012, 9:32 am

I think I have cyclothymia. I'm dx by the Gp or someone with it anyway, if that counts. *shrugs*
I've had such fast cycling. Like one time I was up and down within minutes. 15 minutes I was hyper the next 15 I was suicidal. It didn't help that during my hyper stage I was begining to have a sugar crash but was too busy to eat, so when I got all down the sugar crash reached its peak and I was shaking and feeling sick and crying. Then they started blurring and I was having a mixed episode and my mom came in and got scared. =/

It passed soon enough but was horrible.

I think my anti-depressants make my mood shifts more frequent but I don't want mood stabilisers in case I'll never be hypomanic again; because I go years without knowing when the last time I was happy was. And when I'm hypomanic, I know what it feels like to be kinda happy. I don't like the idea of getting rid of that to balance it out. >_<
It's not always that bad, but mixed episodes are the worst thing. I think I'm going insane. =/

Glad you're feeling a bit better now TallyMan. I'm sure it's a case of getting used to the meds and retraining your brain to deal with the extra (theoretical) weight of drowsiness the meds cause. After all, the brain is a muscle, so in theory it's possible, just difficult.

*hugs* to everyone suffering.

Kyra71
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18 Apr 2012, 9:45 am

I'm late to this thread, but glad you're feeling better! I have bipolar & AS, and it's a constant struggle for me too. But always heartening to see that what goes down does come back up eventually... I hope you're in for a better phase (and that it lasts a good long time!)

JoeRose
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18 Apr 2012, 5:11 pm

Hey there TallyMan!

I can definitely relate to this post. I'm self-diagnosed cyclothymic although whenever I have a mental status examination with a psych it always mentions hypomania and depression. So I don't know whether they've diagnosed me and just not told me! (Not sure how diagnosis works out in England... I think they only diagnose you once you've completely fallen off the rails. Which I've never done)!.
anyway, I can relate to a lot of what you've said. What I find helps me on the blue days is remembering that it WILL get better again. As much as it feels it won't and that nothing could ever get better - you learn from experience that it always does. So you've just got to keep telling yourself that the depression is only temporary. That's what I find helps anyway

Hope you're feeling better,
Joe

slave
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05 May 2012, 6:36 pm

Tallyman,

How are you doing now?

TallyMan
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05 May 2012, 7:25 pm

slave wrote:

Tallyman,

How are you doing now?

I'm OK at the moment. No depression and I'm off the medication, just taking the occasional mood stabiliser when necessary. Still up and down but within reasonable limits. I do think that eventually the cyclothymia + Aspergers will be the death of me though, it is just a matter of time; but hopefully not for a good number of years yet.

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slave
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05 May 2012, 8:35 pm

I'm glad your status is reasonable at the moment. I wish that you were not suffering as you are.

Peace to you.

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