Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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can't wait to get the air con , I think it will be the = of being medicated, imagine that so &*() up all my life and did not know I can not tolerate heat.

Worth thinking about if you don't all ready have one ?

Still depressed, still f*****g hating it. My Grandfather also died over the weekend. I'm going to have to travel up to Scotland at some point for the funeral.

I'm also starting some sort of group therapy for people my age with "emotional issues". I don't know if there's anyone there's who's bipolar or borderline, but still.

Just so long as I don't get someone else who decides that because my arm hasn't been sliced open several times, there's nothing wrong with me. It sickens me that there's a "i have it worse than you if i had your life it'd be great" attitude even in hospital. Same person also told me that if she was bipolar, she'd be happy because it meant that she'd be happy some of the time.

There's even a comorbity wishlist on this site someone. And bipolar is on the list of disorders that people seem to want.

Ugh. Some people.

So I'm going to act on the assumption that I do have bipolar disorder, since it seems to fit my symptoms exactly. Most of the time I'm depressed - I've been fighting depression since I was about 8 years old (I'm 28 now). Today was day 7 of a manic episode which is showing no signs of slowing down. I've only had a few before, no more than once per year and generally not longer than a week or two, but this one has been by far the worst one. I can't stop moving, can't focus on anything, can't sleep, hardly eat. I get periods of euphoria but most of the time I'm feeling anxious, nervous, fidgety and restless, and at times it's getting up to paranoia level. Even though I'm aware that it's not rational, it doesn't help. I barely survived a trip to the supermarket today.

I'm actually doing well at my job because I teach little kids (1-4 grade) English and my higher energy makes the classes more fun and the kids keep their attention on me more. Everyone at work is praising my excellent, creative lessons and I'm getting great feedback from parents. Boy are they gonna be disappointed when I get depressed again and slow back down.

Anyway, despite my work success, this episode is causing massive problems in my life, including serious disruption to my progress with NaNoWriMo, social damage since I either can't face the world or else go out and act like an idiot (my friends have all agreed that I look like I'm on drugs, which doesn't surprise me because I feel like I am), and physical health problems from the lack of sleep and food. I finally decided that it's time for me to get some actual help with this and probably some kind of medication.

Problem: I live in a country where I hardly speak the language, and I have the cheapest, shittiest health insurance available. I can go to exactly three hospitals and nowhere else. Only one of those hospitals has a psych department. I contacted them and asked if it's possible for me to get an appointment and their response was simple: Sorry, we can't help you. You need to go to a "psychiatric center" for help, and if it's an emergency you need to go to the emergency psych center in Prague (which basically means getting myself committed). The problem is, I don't know what a psychiatric center is or where to find one, certainly not one with English-speaking doctors, and the hospital people didn't have any suggestions. Even if I find somewhere, it is guaranteed to be massively expensive. From what I've been told, the standard fee for an hour session here is around 1000 kc (I earn about 23000 per month and 18000 of that goes towards living expenses, bills, and other responsibilities). Also, my insurance doesn't cover prescriptions.

So I'm starting to feel like I might just be f****d. Which is not helping my overall feelings of anxiety and panic and stress.

Last night I only slept about 2 hours. I wanted to sleep more but every time I fell asleep I had horrible nightmares, the kind of terrible ones that you mostly have when you're a kid, like night terrors, where you need to turn all the lights on when you wake up but you're afraid to get out of bed lest the monster living underneath attacks you. I'm afraid to go to bed tonight, afraid it will be the same.

The longest I've had depression is 7 days and I could barely cope. Mania for 7 days would be torture. I suppose I was like that on Ritalin anyway, but I did have a come down period at least at night when the meds wore off. I was worried I would look like a drug addict to people especially when seeing live bands. I was so impulsive once that I left my purse on the merch desk and had all my cash stolen. Then I became severely depressed and ashamed I let something like that happen. I got paranoid too because even though my cards weren't stolen they had personal information on them, and I pretty much just get paranoid about a lot of things.

I should probably go to bed. I'm wide awake and I've been experiencing hypomania on/off every couple of hours throughout the day. I had some severe anxiety about not having enough money to go to a gig tomorrow night and I just feel like taking all my anxiety out on people which isn't a good thing. It's a good thing I won't see those people for awhile.

I really don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. I need to because I'm shooting an important gig tomorrow. Well, they are all important. And I've been waking up really tired lately.

I'm on day 10 of this now. It seems to be slowing down a little bit, but it's definitely not stopping. Haven't had any euphoria today, just panic, anxiety, and rage, which is a new one. I feel okay at the moment, just a little buzzing in my head, but I keep having crazy bursts of energy.

I've found that if I keep myself surrounded by calm things, soft music, nothing shocking, upsetting, or exciting, I manage to stay reasonably calm and in control of myself. If I hear a song I like, though, I have to jump up and sing. If I scroll through my tumblr feed (mostly art, and most of that psychedelic or otherwise stimulating), I get panic. If I dare to go outside, I get paranoid. Every person looks like a monster. I know, logically, that the vast majority of them are probably harmless, but every single one of them looks like they might jump out and stab me to death at any moment. I keep having images of people sprouting all sorts of extra teeth and eating me like in a bad horror movie.

Damn it, just typing that has made me freak out a little bit. That was foolish, I guess.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go spend a few hours with a 5-year-old autistic boy. Normally it's the highlight of my week, but I'm starting to wonder if I should cancel this week. I can claim illness - not a lie, really. On the other hand, I might be fine, or seeing him might even be helpful. I'm not sure what I should do.

I found the contact information for one (and only one) English-speaking psychiatrist in Prague, and just sent him a message. I'll see if he responds, or if he'd have any time for me. His ad looked pretty shady, but if he's qualified to write prescriptions, I don't much care if he's a good doctor or not.

I see the monster people too.

My moods have been changing all over the place. It's probably because of the beer I drank last night.

Would three beers make a person with bipolar absolutely manic that they would burst into tears at 4am after waking up from a dream which described my disappointment of not getting to talk with someone from a band? I wasn't just upset but my thoughts thought up many persecutory delusions, and then suicidal thoughts.

Yeah, I f**ked up again.

Now I'm not sure if those people in bands I know like me at all. Why do they have to give me such disapproving stares?

I've made myself go crazy again. Not crazy in love but everyone's-out-to-get-me crazy.
Pms should start up soon, unless it's already started. I'm already getting pimples.

The psychiatrist I wrote to yesterday actually wrote back this morning. He can see me tonight, after 8 pm, otherwise his schedule is full for at least a week. He's quite expensive, but he's the only one I've found so far who speaks English, and anyway they're all pretty expensive.

Problem now is that I have to call him to arrange an appointment. And the idea of leaving my apartment at all today is kind of terrifying. It's freezing and cloudy outside and I'm feeling a bit skittish at the moment. And I'm terrified of talking on the phone, just in general.

I canceled my lesson today after all. I feel bad about it, because it might have been fine if I had gone, but thinking about it makes my head spin and my heart pound.

For once I wish I didn't live alone. I might be more able to go out for an appointment (and to make the appointment to begin with) if I had someone to come with me. Someone to at least encourage me. All I've got here is my cat, who never wants me to leave.

It's already 2 pm. He might already be booked for tonight anyway. Let's hear it for disorders which actively prevent you for seeking treatment for them!

Edit: Got brave enough to send the doctor a text message. It said sorry, having phone trouble, can't call, can only SMS. Then asked if the appointment time is still available.

The response: Please give me a call.

That's it. I specifically said I can't call, and he wrote back asking me to call him. Everything about this guy sounds shady. He doesn't have his own web site, just an ad on the local expats site, and makes a point of saying he doesn't take any insurance and all payments must be in cash. On the other hand, he's just down the street from me, and as long as he's not a serial killer or something, all I need is a prescription (although he said the first appointment usually takes 1-2 hours for diagnosis and evaluation). I'm really torn. Am I just being paranoid? Or is this guy possibly bad news? I don't know what to do now. Why couldn't he just write back yes or no?

At least someone here can understand why it is so hard for me to go to a new doctor. I may not be afraid to go outside anymore but having to go through change causes about the same amount as panic.

I can't tell if you're being paranoid or not.

The racing thoughts continue today. I'm barely sleeping or felt like I've had enough sleep. This happened last month when I went through pms and my period. I felt so exhausted getting up every morning that I almost didn't make it through. I see my doctor in a few weeks and I really need to tell him this and if he ignores me and says the same old BS he is being negligent and I'm just going to have to go the easiest way to get meds, which is through a GP. I just need something.

The family is coming over for lunch today. Great. I'm just not ready to see all those kids and stupid adults who are going to say something to p*** me off no doubt.

yes one light beer can %^&* you up , had it confirmwed to I felt silly than I thought to myslef people can die from eating a peanut so I don't fell that , stay off the booze you have no idea the damage it is doing.

the effects of booze can occur much latter, keep that in mind.....

Oh, I'm already aware of that.

Today's not too bad. I'm a little hypomanic but more motivated today than I was yesterday. My room looks like a bit of a mess.

well you must be smarter than I not hard , it's not hard to do I used to love making /drinking beer it turned our a lot easier than I imagined to give up. Air con guy comes Mon I just worry about the elecrticty bills.....

Worried about money now, like really really fckn anxious over it. I really shouldn't be. I may have enough to get by before my next pension check goes in. Anything to do with money just makes me so anxious though. My sister asked me for a 4 week advance on the rent and even though that means I don't have to pay rent for four weeks I'm not left with much money at all. Does she even consider that asking me for more money means less financial stability for me?

Currently making very bad decisions.

daily exercise , only post medicated am I aware how important that is

your thinking of voting for Mr papal skills aka people skills Tony Abbott

ps I know I'm not funny I'm autistic what did ya expect