What is going on with me?

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I wish I had a term to explain what I am suffering from. I strongly dislike being around other people, especially groups of people. I have trouble concentrating or relaxing when others are around. I get angry when I am forced to be in the presence of others to do something I need or want to do (for example, sitting in a waiting room). I guess I feel somewhat powerless in those situations. It's really important for me to be able to control my surroundings. I hate hearing other people's conversations. In groups of people, there always seems to be someone talking. I try to ignore them, but it's impossible. In my natural, relaxed state, I'm lost in my own mind, and it's impossible to stay that way with people around. Even quiet conversations, the sound of feet or clothing shuffling bother me. All these noises rip me out of my mind, where I prefer to be.

Taking verbal directions is not easy for me; I have to concentrate. In situations with people just talking in an unstructured environment, I have trouble tuning out, but when someone is talking directly to me, or giving a lecture (structured verbal input), my mind tends to wander after a short amount of time. It takes effort to continue paying attention, this fatigues me.

Sometimes, I get angry just because I see people walking around. It makes me feel overstimulated because I pick up a lot of details when I see people, details that I don't want cluttering up my mind and distracting me. In order to remain inside my head, to be able to think or concentrate, I need for only neutral things to be before my eyes, like the ground, trees, or water. People always catch my eye because they move around so much, make so much noise, and seem not to "blend in" with the more neutral surroundings (trees, buildings, etc.)

I get visually and aurally overstimulated because I cannot tune things out, feel compelled to pay attention, pick up too many details, and, since I have such a good memory, sometimes end up feeling infected by all this because I will remember something about the situation after it's over. The memory will come against my will, irritating me.

I am also sometimes irritated by being exposed to certain things that I feel are too "personal," such as people discussing emotional issues on their blog. It feels like forced intimacy to me. Being around people in general feels like forced intimacy, actually. I prefer to read about about abstract, impersonal things, and quickly skip over the personal stuff before my eyes can take it in (which they can do very quickly, faster than I expect) before it gets burned into my brain and creates an image I don't want there.

Not only do I not make eye contact, I now avoid looking at people's faces entirely in many cases. I don't want to know what they look like or what they are wearing, because an image of that will come to me later, against my will. This also feels like forced intimacy.

I don't know what to call all of this, but it has gotten worse with time. I was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder after seeing a MFT only 3 times, but that does not seem very accurate. Schizoids are supposedly mostly indifferent to other people, but I am consistently irritated by them and angered by their presence. I'm not afraid of them, or secretly wanting to have more of a social life. I don't think I have social anxiety so much as just wanting to get away and be in a situation that feels natural, but having to rely on interaction with other people for some things maybe turns that into a sort of anxiety in some cases because I'm afraid the other person will think I don't interact "naturally" and say something to me about it or act weird with me. I have a small amount anxiety that people will stare at me (or even just look at me; I prefer to be ignored) or try to speak to me. I know that is mostly unfounded, because it doesn't happen very often. But I know that if I do relax, I'll likely get a spaced out look, start unconsciously doing something with my hands, or make noises, that may attract attention, so that is probably another source of anxiety. But it's not very strong.

I'm not Avoidant; I have great self-esteem and do not concern myself a whole lot with what others think of me (I do a bit more than I would like, but not a lot, and not often). I don't have enough symptoms for this to be AS. This seems to be beyond introversion. I'm not really depressed, just kind of have the blues/feel angry that I have to live with family because their presence and noise overstimulates me and prevents me from relaxing.

I feel kind of lost because I don't have a name to put to my condition. I'm also worried about my SSI claim, since the diagnosis I applied with doesn't seem to be very accurate (nor does it seem very disabling, even though its on their list of conditions on the website). I'm seeing two mental health professionals once a month each, but I don't think they are very experienced (one has upcoming tests for her license). They haven't really mentioned diagnosing me with anything. I know it would be very difficult for me to work, but my difficulties are not obvious, and I don't think I do a very good job of explaining why because I don't have one or two simple labels, I have to remember all these things I do to explain when the subject comes up.

Starkid,

I don't get to play therapist very often, but stretch yourself out on my couch while I give this a shot.

For the schizoid diagnosis, I agree the diagnosis is probably incorrect. My guess is that you were slapped with that label because you generally don't care what people think about you. As for AvPD: I'm an Avoidant, I've lived with avoidance all my life, and Starkid: you're no avoidant. My guess is that you're mildly autistic, aka Asperger's Syndrome, which means you've come to the right forum. I'd be interested to see what an Aspie has to say about your symptoms.

*Digs around in your couch looking for loose change.*

These are the SPD traits I definitely have:

Almost always chooses solitary activities
Lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

I don't know about AS. I don't have any obsessive interests or routines (I don't like routines all that much), and no serious sensory issues. I used to think the repetitive verbal things I do count as stimming, but now I'm not so sure. I only do them when I'm distressed, and stimming is supposed to help people cope, but the things I do don't make me feel much better at all.

It sounds like the schizoid diagnosis allows you to go on disability. If so, you might want to keep that diagnosis for awhile regardless of the accuracy, as long as the professionals you are seeing are paying attention to your specific problem(s) and working with it, instead of working with the label they gave you.

I don't think that every disability a person has will fit into a pre-determined category. They are, afterall, only determined by people, and seem to always be changing.

When you say that just being around people feels like forced intimacy, it makes sense to me. I think that most people don't have this issue because they put up a wall when in public, so that things like smiles and looks aren't intimate. And they take part in things like small-talk and the weather specifically because it's not personal.
When I think about it, people who are highly personable seem like they sort of have the opposite of what you have. Like for you, just looks are private, however, for someone who will tell near-strangers about personal experiences or events, it's like they've dissociated, for the time being at least, themselves from the experience. I suppose I can't speak for other people, but I certainly do that.
But I've also felt that just smiles or looks were too much sometimes too, but it seems that way only when I'm feeling emotional.

This reminds me of a co-worker I had. At work there was talk about sex and whatnot, stuff I'm sure you'd feel completely awkward and angry with, but no one there seemed to be bothered by it. However, when I simply saw one of the co-workers kissing her boyfriend (who also worked there) when no one else was around, she was really embarassed by it, turned bright red, wasn't sure what to do, etc. To myself, I didn't really mind. I know they were boyfriend and girlfriend, I knew they were having sex, and to see them kiss, to an outsider, its nothing I didn't already know about them. But to her it's completely different. She wasn't prepared, I saw her when she was emotionally involved, and so it felt to her like I interrupted and invaded her personal time with him, which I did (accidentally of course!).

I guess this is all just a messy way of saying intimacy is only ever experienced by you, (even though by definition it involves someone else) and so it's in your power to feel less intimate when being around other people.

I found out that my health insurance covers testing, so I'm going to ask for a referral to get tested for AS. After reading this article: Autistics.org

I'm more confident that it's possible that I've just been coping well enough to pass as not having AS, and the increase in AS-like symptoms is not me being a fraud or lazy or fooling myself. I'm still afraid I won't show enough of what are considered the right sorts of characteristics to get properly diagnosed, though.