C-PTSD tw: rape

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Do any of you have C-PTSD? If so, what from, and what effects has it had on you?

My C-PTSD and BPD stem from sexual abuse I experienced when I was 9-10. It went on for a few years, and it was child on child sexual abuse. My therapist also said that bullying and otherwise emotional abuse caused me trauma symptoms, but the symptoms I'm about to list are about the sexual abuse.

-nightmares: about sexual abuse, specifically rape in the vagina, which my rape was oral

-flashbacks: when something similar happens or even slightly happens, it triggers flashbacks, and i become unable to think straight and i get anxiety and freeze up

-anxieties: fear of being naked for too long because i feel unsafe when naked and get thoughts of being sexually abused or raped

-dissociation: i dissociate in a depersonalization/derealization way from a lot of things, but i also dissociate when triggered by something hinting at sexual abuse in discussion

-hypersexuality: feeling that sex is the best way to get someone to want me or be nice to me

-sex repulsion: associating sexual acts with the bad things that happened to me in the past

As far as the emotional abuse, I experience

-frequent apologizing

-extreme fear of abandonment

-extreme fear of bothering someone

-very sensitive

What about you?

I was only diagnosed with PTSD about 4 years ago. I didn't know I had it either. Anyway, here are my issues.

-nightmares and sleep paralysis

-anxiety, can't focus or concentrate for long periods of times (as in watching movies all the way through in one sitting)

-dissociation/depersonalization - I often refer to myself in the 3rd person. Not only that, when I sometimes do it I use a moniker (The Old Man).

-asexuality - still a virgin at 54. Did have sex with a guy once, when I was 37, but never a woman.

-used to have extreme fear of abandonment, now prefer to be alone

-very sensitive

-very non-social

-avoid crowds, crowded places

One thing I can say: you have a good mind, and people are missing out if they don't get to know you.

I say this even if you are skeptical of me

My C-PTSD was from almost daily verbal and emotional abuse from my father, sometimes physical beatings. I also experienced anal rape as a teenager. My symptoms are

poor long term memory- I don't have many memories of my childhood, even happy ones
not so great short term memory- sometimes I forget what I'm doing while I'm in the middle of doing the task

depersonalization/dissociation

crying at the drop of a hat

intense fits of rage that dissolve in 15 or so minutes

nightmares of being devoured or chased by demons/monsters

depression so intense i don't get out of bed, shower, sleep for days

that was a couple of years back, these symptoms are now more of a once in a while thing, rather than an every day thing

Someone posted a short article on their experience: https://medium.com/invisible-illness/i- ... ef1de35b2f

I share similarities with it, though I feel what I have is more severe or the author isn't verbalizing their full experience, which is common with C-PTSD.