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I heard a saying before that if you think your crazy & everyone else is sane that really means that your sane & if you think your sane & everyone else is crazy that really means that your crazy. I think that all people are crazy myself included & different people have different types of crazieness.

sometimes, due to ASD letting me see pass the veil of society, I think terrible things due to the lack of objective morality. I'm not sure if they'd count as intrusive thoughts.

It's not about me, but...

There's nothing borderline about borderline personality disorder.

I want to get out of this life.

No, no. No deaths or dying involved there.

I just want an exit of a change, or an end of whatever this is.

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A new start maybe?

I've talked about some really difficult stuff today. My therapist is extending our sessions again.

I'm in quite a good place though to be fair. It's just the antisocial PD aspects of my personality are becoming a struggle just lately. Its kind of overspilling in many ways and I'm trying to fight it all the time but because I'm a 13 year old in many ways then it becomes an almost impossible task.

I wish I didn't have this f*****g disorder

Some days I wake up and don't want to get out of bed due to depression. It happens often.

I'm glad I don't have depression

I’m feeling a bit better now that I’m back on sleeping meds and can sleep again.

Insomnia is the absolute pits. I'd hate to suffer with it.

I suck at that whole self awareness thing, understanding myself, so on. I don't know if it's an alexithymia thing that's bugging me lately, past trauma issues that I thought were resolved but aren't, social anxiety I'm oblivious to having, or hell, maybe I'm aromantic (would not surprise me)... but some stuff happened recently and this isn't the first time I've done this, and I think I should at least try to put in some serious effort to figure this out. But how do you do that when you have no idea how you even feel? Ugh. I hate being emotionally stupid.

I'm like Pavlovs dog me except with me I salivate at the sight of a pickled onion.

I understand enough of myself to dislike whatever state I'm in.

That this loop of cycles and so called behaviors and habits is not who I'm.

The state I'm in is not my choice. People think it's a choice -- states reactions are not done by choice, that just 'happens' to people.

But people do not seem to understand that.

Thus why I hate it when people say 'happiness is a choice' -- no, no...
Happiness "happens" at whatever conditions that will likely occur to an individual.

As it was illustrated elsewhere; it's like sleep...
Chances of sleep increases by staying in bed...

Yeah, it seem like falling asleep is a "choice".
But tell that to an insomniac or someone with a strict and out of sync circadian rhythm, see if they can 'can appreciate it'.


But sure...
I understand myself enough as to which state enables me executive function and which isn't.

Autism is not a "state reaction" like emotions or sensation, it's a state of being.

There's a serious distinction -- unless your autism is a "reaction"...
You're not really autistic, you just act like one.

Anyways.
My autism is not a "state reaction" -- but my executive dysfunction is. Everything that made me dysfunctional is.

The state that enables me executive function and therefore lack of dysfunctionality is becoming less frequent as I age.
It means something is just wrong with me.

But I will say it again -- no one in my life is listening to me.
Then they all wonder why I'm doing this alone. Not telling, not asking for help.

Because I'm so fricking frustrated at them and their blatant ignorance that I just won't bother explaining.
I'm not in a "state" to be eloquent, to accomodate them, to 'talk to their stupid fricking language' for them to get it, let alone convince and accept.


Alone it is, then.
Than exploding out of frustration.

The worst part? Humans can't do that alone.
So... Just repeatedly say this, over and over regardless. It's been written probably hundred of times -- online and offline.

I hate humanity. I hate the social specie. Having to be interdependent.
Having to need other people to get out of this shite of a state reaction or change.
Thousand times in my head, no less.



I pray for humanity to evolve being less dependent on other humans over their less tangible human needs.
I pray humans need not to be forced to need other people in that regard. I pray humans having a choice between this dependence from... Whatever I envision as "freedom".

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I think therapy is like looking in a mirror sometimes. For one thing my therapist mirrors me so I can see what my facial expressions are doing and I think that's a good thing because it makes me know that he's listening and it helps me to understand how I might be feeling when I'm telling him things.

But sometimes it can be scary as well because you're not always gonna like what you see in the mirror. Like if you're absolutely honest about yourself and what you say. There are horrible truths and you sometimes get an ugly picture of yourself.

But I think it's all good in the end because then he tells me that everyone has done bad things even him and that's OK but we have to learn from that so we can get better.