I don't get open relationships and casual sex

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First, I am posting this in the LGBT Forum because 1) it was a post of visagrunt's here that got me thinking about, 2) these things are much more common among gay men than within the straight world and 3) I am gay myself, so that is the context I am thinking of this in.

Now, this is probably mostly my upbringing speaking (my mother can be safely described as a moralist, and some of it inevitably rubbed off), but I do not understand why people would go for causal sex, let alone an open relationship. To me sex is something special, that you'd only do with someone you care about. (Note: I am a virgin.) The thought of doing it with someone you don't really know is just...weird. I'd never be able to feel comfortable doing that. A great deal of that comes from my AS, I think; I don't like being touched by people I don't know, I'm really self-conscious, and can only open up to people that I really trust. There's also the fact that I tend to worry about, well, everything, so I could never be comfortable about the risk of STDs. But there is also an ingrained feeling that casual sex is wrong. It isn't logical, of course, but there it is.

Open relationships make even less sense to me. I guess part of it comes from the idea that a relationship involves commitment, which involved monogamy. I know that the logic doesn't exactly flow there, but those are sort of the ingrained thoughts from my upbringing. I guess there is also a part of me that isn't really comfortable with sex and sexuality (although I'm by no means asexual). So the thought of sleeping around just doesn't seem right. As part of that I suppose I tend to think of sex as not something that makes too big a part of a mature, responsible adult's life. Within that context I can easily accept and understand sex with a life partner, but the thought of an open relationship is simply bizarre. It simply doesn't fit with my idea of How Things Should Be (there's the moralist in me speaking again). There is also the fact that I don't understand how anyone could ever be comfortable with their partner sleeping with other people. That's the jealous and possessive streak in me talking--probably one of my most unpleasant characteristics. And once again I come to the issue of STDs. How can you be properly romantic with your partner (despite incredible cynicism there is a romantic part of me) if you have to worry about diseases?

So I guess in short, due to my moralist upbringing, the more neurotic quirks of my personality, and a romantic concept of how things should work, the whole concept of casual sex and open relationships seems incomprehensible to me. Could someone explain it a bit?

Edit: I realized a few minutes after posting this that a big reason I wrote it was to express some of the thoughts that have been bothering me lately. I find doing that helps a lot to get things off my mind.

People do it because it feels good. Sex feels good and sometimes people want to get that feeling without going throught the stress and hassle of dating and getting to know someone.

I dont think its hard to understand the reasons for casual sex.

I dont have casual sex but If there were no such thing as STDs I'd be much more open to it. I dont think there is anything wrong with casual sex, you just need to be aware of the risks involved.

I'm not sure why people do the "open relationship" thing though.

I feel the same.

I don't think it's "jealous and possessive" to not be comfortable with one's partner sleeping with other people. If so then every monogamous relationship is pathological. Which is not the case at all. I don't think it's a mark of generosity or open-mindedness or "truer love" to be interested in non-committed sex and in polyamory, and I doubt anyone can force themselves not to be unhappy when they desire a monogamous relationship but their partner wants to sleep around.

Yes, so count me in as not understanding open relationships and casual sex!

Count me in too. It just seems morally wrong to me.

I agree with you on both counts. People are different, but I wouldn't feel good about myself if my guy still felt the need to have sex with other people. Plus, I am a very jealous person. I personally don't see how that would work, but like I said, people are different.


I have a fairly conservative view on sex, meaning I believe it should only happen between 2 people in love. I can't really imagine myself having sex just for the sake of it. It should mean something.


JMO

I interject here that open relationships and casual sex are not equivalent. It is entirely possible, for example, for a couple to have a sexless marriage (or partnership as the case may be) where each of them has a sexual relationship with only one other person. This is very different from the person who has sexual encounters with multiple partners with little or no emotional context for those encounters.



On the other hand, should a relationship of a decade or more be discarded simply because the two people in the relationship are no longer interested in each other, sexually? There is more to a relationship than merely sex, after all, and the relationship may well be worth preserving even after, "they heyday in the blood's run cold." (with apologies to The Bard).



The important thing to remember that no two relationships work alike. What you expect from your relationship and what other people expect from their relationships are going to be different.

In my own case, my partner and I have been together from 21 years. Our relationship began as closed an monogamous--and over time the nature of the relationship changed. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the reason that we are still together after all this time is that we agreed to open up our relationship. We both recognized that sex was not the reason that we were together, and that we were perfectly capable of recognizing the primacy of our relationship without sex becoming a hangup.

But this is all predicated on honest communication. An open relationship is not a license to behave with abandon. Rather, it is a facet of a relationship that is subject to the same kinds of negotiation as what house to buy, how much money to save, where the kids will go to school or whose family to spend the holidays with.

I realize this, of course. I was merely combining into one thread two issues that I don't understand related to sexual conduct.


I agree with this of course. I guess that because of my discomfort with sexuality and, as I've mentioned, my fairly conservative upbringing with respect to these things, I expect that sex wouldn't remain important as people age (a rather silly thing to assume, I'll be the first to admit) and so this issue wouldn't in fact be an issue at all. Or, the romantic part of me imagines a relationship where the couple would never lose interest in each other. To me it seems sad if a relationship can no longer stand on its own.


Which I realize, of course. It's just hard for me to apply because my AS results in my having limited empathy. For someone as radical as myself I sure have some conservative demons to fight. Thanks for that, Mom.

When I fixate on something like this and get myself all worked up it is usually a sign that I am stressed about something else in my life. In this case I suppose it's that I'll be moving into my first apartment next week and spending the summer working for a professor at my university, which is a 4 hour drive from home. If it weren't for that I'm sure I wouldn't be acting so strangely about all of this.

Last edited by AstroGeek on 25 Apr 2012, 10:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

all this talk about easily finding multiple partners reminds me of millionaires discussing how many new cars their new mansions' garages can hold.

To me, open relationships (polyamory) sounds very good in theory, but I couldn't do it myself. Because of my as, I have very few people I can entirely trust, and the idea of having sex with someone I can't trust is just wrong.

Tell me about it--I suppose that's another reason the whole concept seems so weird to me.

I have to point out that casual sex is just as common among heterosexuals too. Perhaps it's a male thing rather than a gay thing - it's just that when both sexual partners are male, neither one is inclined to apply the brakes. I know it's due to my AS, but sexual intimacy has never been easy for me, & I've felt plenty of pressure to "open up" in this regard. Personally, I probably see things similarly to the way you do, AstroGeek, though I try really hard not to moralize to others about their sexual habits. To each his own.

One thing does bother me, though. This stereotype about gay men & promiscuity (though it does have at least a kernel of truth to it) has done great harm to our fight for social equality & acceptance. Just be thankful that you live in Canada & not the American South.

Casual sex is much more common among heterosexuals among this generation, I do realize. I don't like it there either. But I guess because I can't relate it doesn't bother me as much. I try not to moralize either. I'm just not very good at it.

It disturbs me how I tend to stereotype gay men. But I've got to point out that gay literature (that is, nonfiction books and guides) help to perpetuate these stereotypes. Presumably they're directed more towards gay men who live those stereotypes.

I don't get it either. I'm 100% monogamous.

I'm pretty much the same thing! I'm definitely attracted to other men but never would I be able to participate in casual sex. Actually, I think I might be something else since I don't want to participate in sex itself, the most I could do is watch. :p

As much as I'd like to embrace my sexuality, I can never be open with it as to just do it. Personally, I'd think it would take a hell of a man to get me to that point and since when it comes to looks, I'm not the most suitable, that won't happen and gladly since I'd feel extremely uncomfortable with advances that would lead to anything of the sort. o_o

Furthermore, I think that just doing it really will give me a devastating emotional toll, I'm not the kind of person who can just give it up and leave, I consider myself an empath and so everything that's done and affects me in any way has an emotional impact on my well-being, and I'd probably view meaningless sex as one of those negative things since I'm just strange that way. I'd think I'd have to be married to even feel comfortable having it for the first time, least I know that they aren't in on it for any goods that I'll have to offer (though a prenuptial would probably be at hand if I'm way richer)!

Now for why? I don't know either. I did grow up with a religious background but now I'm a Spiritual Deist, trust me it's nothing like Catholicism! (I say spiritual since I believe in God as a force of nature and not anything like a man who wears a robe and casts sinners down into a lake of fire - I'm pretty sure God would be more peaceful) Maybe it's the mixture of not-so-good looks and emotional instability that would make casual sex (and especially an open relationship) impossible for me to participate in!

I have a question for Astrogeek. Are you me? Our ideas towards relationships are identical

i think that if you actually want to understand why people engage in polyamoury, you should read Sexy at Dawn. it explains pretty clearly, although it focuses heavily on straight relationships.

http://www.sexatdawn.com/