How Do I Begin Dating?

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I will be 33 in three days (January 26th) and I still haven't been on a date. I'm a lesbian, for the most part. I have had crushes on male TV characters and until puberty, was basically bisexual. But when I look into my future, I see myself with a woman, therefore, I consider myself a lesbian.
I suffered from very severe social anxiety until I was put on Abilify about 2 1/2 years ago. It lessened that a lot, but I still have social anxiety and it gets in the way greatly. It's why I'm almost 33, have never dated, and..... have never even kissed anyone. Women also scare me. The more I like them, the more scared I get.

I have tried online dating, but it never gets anywhere. I message people, but I think my weight throws them off. It could be my personality, but I really think I come across as a positive person in my profile. I play up my good qualities.
Does anyone have any idea of what I can do? I'd like to go to gay clubs in other cities, but I only have one irl friend and she's straight and would most likely not feel comfortable going with me.

I'm also very overweight. I'm 5'10" and 398lbs. I have a lot of good qualities: I'm honest, trustworthy, kind (although I can be blunt which can seem rude), and am an overall good person. Even at this size, men "hit on" me, but I have never attracted a woman. I don't go anywhere where I might meet other lesbians or bisexual women, either. There used to be one gay bar in my town, but I never went to it. One, I don't drink often and don't like the idea of going to a bar, and two, the idea of going there and being around other gay people terrified me. I DID go to a few meetings at my colleges Gay/Straight Alliance though. I really liked being there.

I am going to include a picture (two actually) of myself. One, a full bodied pic, so you can see what I look like fully, and one which is newer, of my face and hair only. I'm just including these so you can see what I look like and why I'm nervous about what women might think when looking at me.

Hi lyricalillusions,

I apologise in advance for the length of this response, but your situation I can completely identify with!

I am now married, having met someone I love completely, but there was a long time in my life where I didn't think I would ever meet someone. And, despite being young, fit and nice looking (I never thought so at the time! Now I look back at photos of myself and think I was so much more attractive than I thought at the time!) I NEVER attracted women at bars or clubs. It was like there was a wall, and we were on totally different wavelengths.

If women scare you, you'll find going into social environments doubly difficult. I actually made friends with a number of gay men, and would go to gay bars with men. That way I was with people I didn't have to 'read' or figure out the intentions of... I could just enjoy their company and become more comfortable in that environment. I went to gay bars for years... But that wasn't where I found dates. I enjoyed being part of the gay community, but to be honest it didn't help me romantically, just socially. Which is still a plus!

You say women scare you, and don't mention any crushes you've had on women. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. I apologise if I've misread your post... But I thought it was interesting what you DIDN'T say here: I love women and have been attracted to them.



As I said, I went out on the gay scene for years, usually two or three times a week. I never met or connected with a woman. I have to be honest and say that I went online one day in a chat room, saw a name, and felt instantly compelled to speak to this person. Online dating can allow you to get to know someone intimately, without stressing about social scenarios, body language, figuring out someone...or finding a new bar or date location. It may not be working for you at the minute, but almost half of gay people... Aspire or not!... Meet online. This is very common in the gay community and most people I know met their partners online. Sometimes there may not be a gay venue in a village or town if someone does not live in a city.



Find some gay male friends!



Men hit on you because they think you're straight. I know this is very non-PC, and it's sad that this is true, but in a gay bar lesbians may well be assuming you are straight and there with a gay friend. I had long hair when I was younger and as soon as I cut my hair gay people saw me differently. People still base first impressions on appearance. Maybe get a rainbow to shirt or something...I don't know... But if someone put a gun to my head and asked me to guess your orientation, I'd guess straight. I wouldn't approach you because I wouldn't want to be turned down by a straight girl. It's nothing to do with your weight, honestly!

If I can speak frankly, you're a very beautiful woman. You have great hair and eyes... And to be honest I know some women who would absolutely love to go on no date with you. Please don't focus on your weight. Lesbians often prefer larger women. I even have a friend who only dates larger women, and lesbians magazines present women of all appearances (slim, androgynous, larger, butch) as beautiful. Woven just don't judge on appearance in the same way men do. Gay men feel much more pressured to look a certain way, because men function differently.



So, at the beginning if your post you say women scare you, you've mainly fancied men in the past. Here you say you don't go anywhere to meet women, even when there are places, and don't like the idea anyway.

It may just be you're not ready for a relationship yet, but feel pressured into it because you're 33.

I was a very late bloomer compared with my friends and was very kate having my first kiss. I just wasn't ready. And when I was suddenly opportunities opened up to me because I was open to them.

Even to this day I look back and now see the people I missed, and friendships I avoided because I wasn't ready. There's even a meeting I remember when I saw a girl and she completely took my breath away, and I didn't even ask her for coffee because I was terrified!

1. Get yourself some male friends if women terrify you. Get used to gay men before you tackle gay women. Friends before partners.

2. Get yourself used to gay venues or clubs (I.e groups, art classes, whatever... If you hate drinking meet people somewhere else). Tackle getting used to the venue before trying venue and women! Go there just for a coke and take the pressure off.

3. Approach women as friends. Make friends with lesbians. In fact most lesbians end up in relationships with their friends... It's how women work I guess. Take the pressure off doing everything and build up to a female friend.

After you've started these things and are comfortable, you'll maybe be in a place where you're open to relationships without being terrified.

I'm really sorry for the length of this, but I saw nobody else had replied, and I can really identify with how you're feeling. It absolutely will get easier, but if you really want this you're going to have to change something... Or else nothing will change. Where there's a will there's a way!

I just recommend being social in groups where non-heterosexual people are more likely to be. Being social can be hard since we're autistic, my rules are I try to find a common ground, ask them questions, and share about yourself.

Play up your good traits! You mentioned you are kind, if you are online dating put your personality on your profile.

You may be overweight, but you are also very beautiful! Society has made people judgmental to assume that being fat means you can't be pretty.

I wish you luck!

Dating is tough. I didn't have my first date until I was twenty-six, facilitated by college. Based on your situation I would suggest

1. craigslist.com, or similar anonymous Internet service available in your area, or
2. pursue public interests that do not revolve around one-on-one socializing

Unlike what some people say, craiglist is not full of serial killers. I've met some solid dates on there; a lot of nice, sane, but sometimes shy/hesitant or inexperienced womyn, lurk there and will respond to a post from someone who sounds sane, kind, and honest, rather than post themselves. Of course, results may vary based on your location. Just be straight-forward about exactly what you want, otherwise you might get yourself into a difficult situation with someone who's looking for a different kind of relationship. You probably know to exchange at least a few e-mails first (not too many, or the other person might get bored) and meet in a public place (if you decide to meet).

There are also sometimes people looking for friends or members of womyn's groups, and pursuing that sort of thing will allow you to use other people to connect you to potential dates.

Can you keep going to the gay/straight alliance, or some similar group? That might help.

I was thinking that, if you have some sort of creative skill, you could show your art/photographs at a local gallery, play music somewhere, or submit some writing to a local newspaper column. It would be all about you and allow you to showcase your personality a little bit. If not, going to small music venues (not huge concerts) or similar places where you can enjoy an interest you have AND be seen by potential dates without being expected to have extended conversations might be a way to attract people.

I have an hypothesis that having interesting and informative videos of themselves on a youtube channel increases an autistic person's chances of getting dates, but I've no way to test that.