A sonnet about loneliness

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This is my first sonnet in English, apart from some failed practice pieces. Please give me some constructive criticism, especially as to idiom and usage, since I'm not a native speaker of English. I also still find English iambic pentameter a bit hard to work with, so advice on this issue is also welcome. Many thanks for reading and commenting.


THE BUBBLE

This sphere of blood-warm air, the bubble, surges:
a breath ascends, despite the body's fall.
Too soon the flesh implodes beyond recall,
yet when the fragile, pearl-like soul diverges
from dark and sinking water's downward urges,
no pressure penetrates the precious wall
of this translucent, ever-rising ball,
till with the atmosphere it once more merges.

The bubble's secret inner soul is mine.
Through murky streams of social life I passed,
but always in a straight and upward line,
for solitude's die in my heart is cast:
my whole existence I shall soon resign
to clear, intensely lonesome skies at last.

Last edited by dddhgg on 04 Jan 2010, 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's awesome. But can you try to get it down to 10 syllables? The rhyming can be tweaked too. It's an awesome poem though. It could be perfect.

It's been my understanding that if in a line the last syllable is unstressed (as in SURges), then 11 syllables are called for. Otherwise the line couldn't be strictly iambic anymore. Isn't this true? Thanks for calling it awesome, by the way.

Please tell me: how would you suggest I tweak the rhyme?

Very good sonnet.

Why, thank you!

I guess you are right. It is a great poem.

Thank you, Magnus! But still, would you care to elaborate on your remark about the rhyme? Is something the matter with it? I find rhyming in English a bit tougher than in my native Dutch, because there are so many rhyming sounds in English.