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MakaylaTheAspie
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05 Jun 2013, 1:59 pm

^That's the way I copied it from Microsoft Word. It's formatted better and everything on there.


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Zodai
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05 Jun 2013, 2:02 pm

And this is why I send my stories via Email when I want a WP member to look over them xD.


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MakaylaTheAspie
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05 Jun 2013, 2:16 pm

I'm looking for constructive criticism of the writing itself! :lol:


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Zodai
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05 Jun 2013, 2:25 pm

It's a little hard to read...

Makayla's Writing wrote:

There isn’t too much to tell about me, I’m just a black college student from the inner city. I live in a tiny home with my idiot of a brother and his hard working wife, their child, and my mother herself. Oh my, my life is complicated. Aside from the obvious issue of my color, my family never seems to respect what I want to learn.

Earlier this year, I started picking up guitar lessons. In any ol’ white person house out there, the mama or the papa would be like: “Oh darlin’, we be so proud of y’all. Learnin’ to play the guitar is such a wonderful skill, you’ll be so talented, sweetheart!” Nope, my mama – forever believing in hard work – says: “What you gone and wanna learn the guitar for, anyways?” I mean, sure, it’s kind of sudden for a black girl such as myself to wanna learn how to play an instrument, given our situation. I need, need something to express myself with, though. I’ve tried singing once before; I got no support, and my brother said I sounded like “a goose being murdered by a donkey” or something of the sort.

Piano lessons got the same treatment as guitar lessons, only mama added: “where you gone getting’ that money anyways, Beneatha? You knows that lessons cost a fortune, especially when learnin’ from white folks!”

Money and space tend to be big issues in this house. My brother Walter’s son, Travis, poor kid has to sleep on the couch because we ain’t got no room for him. We recently found out that his wife, Ruth, was pregnant as well. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get rid of the child, but we don’t have any more room! It’s like I told her; if she keeps that child, it’ll have to sleep on the roof! Walter’s reaction was even worse, I’m sad to say. Mama was as supportive as always; we all know deep down that she wants what’s best for us.

But oh my, does she get my blood boiling sometimes! She always talks about God. God did this, God does that, God is the answer to everything, God will help us out of our struggles. I wonder if God hates colored folk as much as the white people do, because he certainly hasn’t done much for us. I mean, he didn’t pay for my schooling, he didn’t give us a nice place to live, he let my sister-in-law get pregnant just when we were about out of money to spare. I am sick and tired of hearing about GOD all the time! He ain’t helping us out of our struggles, he’s just sitting there and letting our lives go to ruin.

Try getting that through mama’s thick skull of hers. You could just listen to her: she knows the bible better than the preacher over at the Catholic Church does! When I started telling her how I felt about God, she popped me straight in the mouth and told me there was still God in her household. My mama never gone and done something like that to me before, so I just kind of stood there in a daze at the time. But jeez, I’ve just about had it with all of this religion business! I’m leanin’ more toward Atheism every day. I’m not ‘bout to go and tell mama about that, though.

Another thing about mama: she’s getting a huge check in the mail soon, for ten thousand dollars. Can you believe that? Ten THOUSAND dollars, well, she can go and buy herself a vacation to Africa if she wanted to. All we know, the situation down there would be better for us than it is here. But no, my brother done want to take all that insurance money and spend it on an investment in a liquor store. What about my college? It isn’t exactly cheap over there, ya know. Heck, even Ruth needs that money more than he does, and it belongs to mama in the first place, anyway. Oh, the way he dreams about the stupidest things gets my blood boiling sometimes! He should be focusing on Travis and Ruth, not on somebody’s darn shady offer!

I’m not about to go and get married anytime soon, thankfully. It’s not that I don’t like anyone, there’s a rather handsome Nigerian fellow who goes to the same school as I do. He’s kind, and funny, and very interesting. He even gave me some clothes from his sister’s own personal wardrobe! He had it shipped over here to the city all the way from Nigeria! Can you believe that?
Mama and Ruth both be sayin’ that I go and marry that rich black man, George. We’ve been kinda datin’ off and on for the past few months, but I like him about as much as I like my brother. You get the picture. But if I married him, I could get myself out of this stupid apartment once and for all, and be able to follow my dreams. I dunno, though, I wanna be happy, and George doesn’t make me very happy AT ALL.

I guess I’ll never know how everythin’ will turn out until that check comes…


MUCH BETTER :lol:

Hm...

It's kind of hard to write a critique on something that's all dialogue, especially if it's based off an existing work.

I think the only "All-dialogue" story I've ever read is They're made of meat.

http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html


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Wrylion
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05 Jun 2013, 5:45 pm

there is some truly incredible work here



Anarbaculardrop
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06 Jun 2013, 9:01 am

Anarbaculardrop wrote:
Something I wrote:

Scar Tissue

Quote:
Hello, human. What, you are a human, aren't you? I mean, I was posted on the internet, a human invention! Obviously, I was created by a human. Of course, if you aren't one, does that matter? I'm fictional! But that doesn't matter, since I'm not what you are: Alive. I USE to be, though!
The title of this story is, of course, referring to me. Not by name, of course; only by a feature of me: my skin texture! Lovely, isn't it? Of course, you don't think that! That was sarcasm! Ha, you are funny, aren't you? Look at my eyes: My sweet cyan crystal spheres. Beautiful, aren't they? Well, think again! Because that's not my eyes! I stole them! From a Mary Sue! Who I killed!
What, scared? I do like my jokes. Anyway, my names True Johnny! I eat FINGERNAILS! DO YOU HAVE FINGERNAILS? No? LIAR! TRIM THOSE NAILS OR I WILL RIP THEM OFF AND EAT THEM! AND GIVE THE TRIMMINGS TO ME, TOO! Good. Now, can you be so kind as to find a Mary Sue and KILL IT! BURN IT! RIP OFF ITS HEAD AND THEN BEAT IT TO DEATH WITH THE HEAD! HA HA HA HA HA!
What, why are you leaving? I'm SCARY? HA HA HA HA! YOU'RE TOO NORMAL! I'M NOT! What, you didn't like THAT? Oh well. I GUESS I could talk about something you like. How about…the THIN WHITE DUKE? Everyone likes David Bowie, RIGHT? Wait, he's SCARY? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! Oh, you probable listen to Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, or Hannah Montana! Well, YOU CAN GO DIE!
Oh well, I will never get it to your head that I'm better than you. Wait, you want to know something else? I'm MAGIC! AND PRACTICALLY IMMORTAL! YOU'LL NEVER FIND THE OBJECTS THAT KEEP ME ALIVE! HA HA HA!
I'm think I'm going to kill those Cullen kids. The annoying little brats are GOING TO DIE! HORRIBLY! HA HA HA HA HA! I shall WARP through reality to find them, but when I find them, oh, when I find them, I'M GOING TO RIP THEM TO PIECE! ONE BY ONE! AND BURN EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!
THIS…THIS IS THE END! OF ALL OF THEM! I SHALL NOW GO! And remember: DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE ME! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

So...No one liked this?


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BrandonSP
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06 Jun 2013, 9:54 am

^ It's too short for my taste, for one, and I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be about.



Anarbaculardrop
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06 Jun 2013, 10:52 am

BrandonSP wrote:
^ It's too short for my taste, for one, and I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be about.

It's just a fourth-wall-breaking introduction to a new character I came up with.


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Anarbaculardrop
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06 Jun 2013, 11:05 am

The Dragon Was Crystal(My new name for "The Pope was Crystal"), So far:

Chapter 1
Part 1
Date:3/24/12

A strange, violet-haired girl wearing a striped shirt with long, plain sleeves and black pants sat in the well-light small cafe where hipsters usually go, drinking cappuccino. Her pale blue eyes, while strange, didn’t seem unusual compared to the hair. It was done in a ponytail.

She put on some glasses. The violet haired girl muttered some random line from one of those old Kaiju films that she watches sometimes. Man, those things are great, she thought to herself, or at least in an ironic, cheesy way. The violet-haired girl then got a call from her friend, Vesla.

“Hey, Veronica, is your day off?”said Vesla, in a cheerful voice.

Veronica, the violet-haired girl, replied, “Yeah. So, what do you want to do with me?”

Vesla answered, “have a sleepover at my house. My parents are out. I think that would be fun.”

Veronica replied with, “That would be great!”

Veronica had always been good friends with Vesla. She had many sleepovers at her house, all of which involve playing video games, eating candy, and trying new things and (probably) failing at them.

Veronica leaves the Cafe, and gets a bus to Vesla’s neighborhood. she takes a seat, and puts on her headphones. Next, she plays her audio book for 80 Days Around the World. Before the bus got to the location, she had listened from the fourteenth chapter to the fifteenth chapter.

Veronica walked out. It was bright out. The grass was still green, the sidewalk was not entirely swept clear of the autumn leaves, and the trees were dressed in red, orange, and yellow. Veronica walked down the street calmly, the only sound being the occasional whiz of cars passing by, the singing of birds, and the crunch of dead leaves.

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

She walked on the street, down to her friends house quietly humming the tune of the show “Doctor Who” while fiddling with her fingers. She arrived at the house. She opened the door to find Vesla, who made Veronica look normal.

The main reason Vesla was weird was that she wasn’t a human. She had pointed ears, reptilian eyes the same color as Veronica’s hair, a tail, two slit-like nostrils instead of a normal nose, mossy green hair, and golden-toned skin. She had twin strands of hair with two Z-shaped rings in them. Her bangs stood out well. She was wearing cargo pants, a pink turtleneck, a denim jacket, and blue sneakers.

“Looking nice, Vesla!” said Veronica in a cheery tone.

“You too!” responded Vesla. “Come on inside!”

They went inside. Vesla removed her jacket and sneakers. First, they worked on their paper. Next, they watched some Let’s Plays (videos people post on the internet where they play games while providing amusing commentary).Then, Veronica had cheese pizza with Italian soda and Velsa ate an entire jarful of peanut butter. Finally, the two girls went to Vesla’s room to talk about what had happened to each in the recent days.
Velsa closed the door behind them before saying, “So, let’s recap our past week.”

Veronica said, “Monday: breakfast, we were assigned a paper on Josef Stalin, Martha Swallow stepped on your tail, started on Parabolas, learned about Dinosaurs, lunch, Martha Swallow put a nail on the bottom of the french teacher’s chair and blamed it on us as a prank, we heard Martha Swallow was dating that really muscular, attractive guy who was also an idiotic jerk who stalked her because he found her attractive, dinner, I lost access to my Tumblr account, and sleep.Tuesday: Breakfast, Martha Swallow’s new boyfriend beat up Jeff because he looked like a nerd for her entertainment, we-”

Vesla then stated, “let’s stop talking about this, alright? I think I remember the rest. Man, this week was awful. I mean, why do they do this stuff?”

“Maybe because they are just plain jerks? I mean, that part is obvious enough.”

“Your right. Also, what’s your thoughts on Jeff?”

“I like Jeff. He’s cute, in the vulnerable, nice way which I appreciate. I mean, I’m sorry, but I don’t like the ‘Big Hulking Brute with Muscles” appeal. It just always seemed so...shallow. Like, he’s attractive and all, but he’s also a mean, vile jerk. Do you know what I mean?” Vesla was silent for a while before answering.

“Yes. I do.”

Veronica sat there for a while, before saying, “why are we talking about this stuff? It’s boring and soppily romantic, something mens believe we would do all the time. Let’s do something fun.” Vesla agreed, and put on the song Crying Lightning by the Arctic Monkeys. They then had a pillow fight for the next several minutes.

Part 2
Date:4/1/12

It was 3:00 pm. A young teenage boy wearing a t-shirt and cargo pants sat across from a formal looking man dressed in a plain red suit with blue tie. He wore yellow spectacles. Thee teenager had short, brown hair with green eyes.

The room was a ghastly yellow, and the floors were wood, which is usually nice, when it isn’t half rotten.

“So,” said the man in the red suit, “Let me understand, Mr Greyille: You are, a werewolf?”

The boy said, “not exactly, as a don’t transform into a wolf at full moon. More or less, I become, between 8:00 pm and 8:00 am, instead of an awesome, actual wolf, an anthropomorphic wolf. What can be lamer than that?”

The man answered, “I know this might be stressful upon your brain, but I don’t think I can help you. Just, try to ignore it.”

The boy responded, “Yes, well, this already is starting to make my life suck. I’ve been called bad things when people on my vlog first saw it. And I really can’t do much about it, since I don't think there is a cure to this.”

The man said clearly, “ignore them, then. They will probably get some low-down job as a bureaucrat or, even worse, reality TV contestant, the lowest form of being.”

The boy said, “thanks. Bye the way, my first name is Jason.”

The man told the boy, “well, Jason, you have nothing to worry about. Now, be off!”

Jason walked down the streets, and went to a bus stop. He waited a few hours. A bus came by, he comes in. Routine.

After arriving at his house, he tries to do his homework. It is, in every sense of the word, dull. He turns on the news, and at that point, heard a story that made him stop doing homework. It was about a woman who came home and then died. One hour later, she came back alive and attacked her husband, who escaped from her and locked the door, but was bitten. The man was carried into a hospital.

Jason stood up from his desk, and went to the garage, where he found an ice pick. He duct taped it to the end of the hunting rifle he owned since he was twelve. Then he got on some tight clothes. He sat in his bedroom, with the radio on the news. This would be a long day.

Part 3
Date:3/1/12

A man plainly dressed in black business clothes, carrying a mug of coffee, was on wrong side of a street in a city up in the northeast of the country. It was busy and crowded with many people, taxis, buses, and other vehicles.

The man was not overly spectacular-looking:He was 30 years old; 5 feet and 8 inches tall; short, neat, brown hair and regular hazel eyes.
He decided to cross the street.

Then, a car thundered toward him. He had no chance.

Well, except that the car didn’t hit him, instead narrowly missing him and causing coffee to spill all over his shirt. He muttered,“anti-pedestrian bastard.”

The man walked down the street, into his office building. He bumped into the co-worker.

The co-worker said, “hello, Mason.”

The ordinary-looking man replied,”hello, James.”

They stood in front of each other for a few minutes in an awkward silence. James had long, stringy, blonde hair. He had shifty, green eyes. He was six-feet tall and quite gangly. His nose was long and crooked. He had an annoying chin-strap beard that hangs down, as well as large muttonchops. His eyebrows formed into a single unibrow. His face had several acne scars on it.

Mason found his appearance repugnant, but didn’t mention it, as that would be rude. He then says, awkwardly,”Goodbye, James.” Mason walked into the building.

Mason sighed. A plain, boring, grey lobby. He walked into the elevator and went to the top floor to his cubicle.

The day past on without incident, pressing buttons on the computer, doing a boring job of repetition. Yawn.
At 5:00 pm, he left the office for his current home, an apartment space he had rented. He would have to move from there. He really didn’t make enough money to get a permanent home.

However, when he was outside the building, Mason encountered someone in his way.

Part 4
Date:5/2/99

In a country far to the East, far up North, an ocean and sea away, and a titan in size, in the capital city of this place, is a man. This man has fair, short hair, dark eyes, and pale, indeed, almost white, skin. This appearance is common among the people who live in this country, which recently underwent a massive political change little more than 7 years ago. The time was 8:30, at night.

The man was armed with a switchblade and handgun that was a product of the passed politics. He was a thief, and he knew that there was street dogs in this place and that it was dangerous to wait around. Also, the police could come.

He looked at the building. It was just a gas station made by an American Company; he had nothing to worry about. He had dealt with higher security in the past, and this would not be a problem for him.

The thief saw the camera. He could deal with this “problem” easily. A quick swipe of his hand later, the lense of the camera is shattered, as well as any other bits made out of crystals. The clerk is startled by this, giving the thief enough time to quietly open the door and hide behind an aisle. The man waited. He heard a voice say something that would roughly translate into English, “how did that happen? No one would be able to reach that place.”

The thief, went prone and crawled over to the counter. He went into a sitting position. Facing him was a box of beer bottles. The thief waved his hand again. The bottles exploded. The clerk ran over to the bottles. Meanwhile, the thief stole money from the cash register and left the building, into the streets.

He ran for a long while before stopping. His heart was pounding as he shattered the window of a car with his ability, unlocked the door, and got in. Then he started the car, and drove off to somewhere else.


Chapter 2

Part 1
Date:3/24/12
The two girls were tired out after the short duel with pillows. Both lay on the bed, smiling like complete idiots. Vesla said, “how are you doing?”

Veronica replied, “Alright. You?”

Vesla answered, “fine.”

But things were not fine, or at least, until a few minutes later. Because, after a short while, the light turned off in the room. Veronica and Vesla both got up. They heard a noise like hissing. Veronica was scared, but Vesla opened a drawer, and got out a scabbard, which held a sword. She then wore the scabbard and took out the weapon. She then said, “move back. I’ll handle this.” Veronica quickly ran behind the bed and crouched low. Vesla slowly opened the door, and then closed it again. For a while, it was quiet except for the hissing and footsteps.
Then, Veronica heard what sound like an animal hitting the ground, a scream, the noise of a blade going through wet flesh, and then a slow, pathetic gurgle. Veronica then heard footsteps come closer. What would come out? Was Vesla alright?

After a few seconds, Vesla came out. While her sword was coated in some sort of black liquid, she wasn’t harmed herself. She said, “something or someone is hunting us. We need to prepare.”

Veronica then said, “what was that thing?”

Vesla replied, “that was just a scout. There’s going to be more. Anyway, we better get acquainted with are enemy. We are going to exam that body.”
Part 2
Date:4/1/12
Jason had been waiting for hours before he got news useful to him. He had unloaded his weapon and put it somewhere where it wouldn’t be a danger to him, since it could fire off. After hearing about the pope giving money to some church, a baseball game, and a cruise ship coming to Malaysia, he heard the man who was bitten had died.

Jason grabbed his weapon, opened his bedroom door, went through the front door of his house, strapped his rifle to his back with duct tape, got on his backpack with scissors, ammunition, and other things he would need, and then rode off to the hospital on his bike.

There was a duty to be done, and he knew that. If he waited too long, the morgue would be checked in the morning, and they would find the corpses disturbed, and the bitten man would infect the nearest individual, and then keep on doing it.If he arrived there, however, he would not know if they would let him in or, for that matter, find his idea good or just a lie for some mass murder.

He thought, today, I shall make sure it ends before it begins. Today, I shall defeat this creature.

What Jason Greyille didn’t realize is that the body wasn’t the only sample of the virus in the hospital. The other was in a lab.

In this lab, there is a tissue sample of him, infected with the virus. This virus is being transferred into rats, which will develop symptoms similar to what the man had. And in the lab, an assistant had accidentally left a cage open.

There is one more thing you need to know: rats develop the symptoms quicker.

Part 3
Date:3/1/12
Mason stopped walking. The man in front of him was dressed in a suit that was black except for the dress shirt, which was white. He was bald. The one odd thing about him was that something was obviously on his eyes. Something that was almost completely clear, except for various shapes on them. They were too small to make out, however, so Mason decided to stop concentrating on them. The suited man looked at Mason for a few seconds.

He then pulled out a .50 caliber handgun, and aimed it at Masons heart. Then, he pulled the trigger.

Part 4
Date:5/7/99

“So, how many years has it been since the incident?”

“Fifteen. I had been in for one year. You, eight.”

“You still look almost the same as you did back then. You haven’t really aged at all.”

“Neither has he. You look not that bad either though, Abram.”

Two men were sitting in front of each other in a small, bar. One was the thief with the power of shattering, the other(Abram) was taller, had long black hair, a beard that went down to his chest, and hazel eyes. He was 44 years old and from a country far south of where Veronica lives.

The thief was not drinking anything, but his friend had a bottle of vodka in hand. Abram said, "you know, you're a strange one."

The thief replied,"really? Why?"

Abram responded,"well, for startes, you don't drink vodka or even beer! Instead, you drink coffee!"

"Abram", the thief said,"my reason for that was that alcohol is bad for the mind and body."

Abram, realizing this argument wasn't worth it, decided to just sit there. He was then asked a single question.

“Can you hook me up with the arms dealer? I’ve got a plan.”

The man said, “ah, revenge. Don’t worry. I’m going to help you. We aren’t just going to get guns though.” He smiled. “We’re going to need clothes, contacts, and a change in hair. Let’s do this.”

The thief agreed.


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Ltrain
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07 Jun 2013, 11:18 pm

Never posted here, but I have read a great deal.

I registered to share the lyrics of this song I just wrote --- someday I'll record it and put it in the music thread.

It's about my (undiagnosed) struggles that I think most of you can relate to, and the struggles of people close to us.

Blow by Blow

See he's good
At certain things
He'll blow your mind with talents
But that's what really stings

Cause he's not good
At basic things
He'll blow your mind with struggles
With what comes naturally

See he can put you down
Absolutely perfectly
With a pencil and paper
In ways you've never seen
And he can put you down
Absolutely accidentally
With a word or a face
And never know he's being mean

And does he wish it wasn't this way
He doesn't know, he doesn't know
But he's learning day by day
What to be, and where to go
Things you've never had to learn
Things you've always sort of known
He'll figure them out
One by one
Blow by blow

See he can recollect
Things that most people forget
And recite it back to you
In a way you'll believe it
And he can wreck your day
By screaming in your face
When all he really meant to say
Is I don't know this place

And he can cry
Like the best
Things can get to him
And dwell within his chest
But you can cry
With the rest
Over things that matter
While he's inside his nest

And does he wish it wasn't this way
He doesn't know, he doesn't know
But he's learning day by day
What to be and where to go
Things you never had to learn
Things you've always sort of known
He'll figure them out
One by one
Blow by blow

Cause he was made this way
It's like you're all nails and he's a screw
And he'll find a way
To know what to say, and what to do
Cause there came a day
He realized it was him, and not you

See he can't see
Through your abyss
He can't walk a straight line
You need a hand, he has a fist
But he can see
Things you miss
And he can jump over walls
Just to give you a kiss

And does he wish it wasn't this way
He doesn't know, but prob'ly no
And he's learning day by day
What to be, and where to go
Things you never had to learn
Things you've always sort of known
He'll figure them out
One by one

He'll figure them out
One by one
Blow by blow



Anarbaculardrop
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10 Jul 2013, 2:33 pm

A story I wrote called "Elucidir":


David Erol, detective, was ready with his Tommy gun and the twelve policemen who were with him were ready with their revolvers. 1965 had only begun 3 days ago, and they didn’t want it to end for anyone except communists and the people they were up against.

Snow hit the ground. Light came out of the tall building’s windows. The sidewalk, being made of concrete, was grey, yet flat and smooth, which, aesthetically, is alright with them. The modern buildings were coated in smooth steel plates that reflected, and the doors were glass.

Apartment buildings, malls, and stores lined both sides of the streets except for the place they were raiding, a large mansion. It had been twenty-eight years since it was last open. It was quite large, accommodating even a ballroom.

In this mansion's ballroom, there was a cult led by a man who called himself Tiodi (although his real name was Gordon Cally). His hair is red, his eyes are mismatched (one green, one blue), and his skin is pale. In short, he looks slightly strange, but not really much different from anyone else or inhuman.

A few minutes before the raid, Tiodi was dressed in a blue robe with golden stripes, surrounded by two dozen other people dressed in red robes. They had, to a strange altar made from human bones, sacrificed a goat. Tiodi held in one hand the knife used to kill the beast, and in the other, a flaming torch.

He then burned one half of the altar. On the other half, he placed a business suit. On the center of the whole grim platform, which was where the goat was, he placed a paper crown. Then, he said to the rest of the cult, “Now, we must chant the name of our master! On one, two, three…ELUCIDIR!”

The cult rose into a wild chant of that one word, “Elucidir”, as a purple light appeared above them, and then filled the altar. It then exploded into a burst of light the same color, which filled the room. A figure appeared.

It floated in the air and had a ghost-like tail instead of legs. One half looked like a burnt corpse with long hair. The being was missing a nose, but his mouth was a constant smile. The non-burnt half of its foul face had square, white teeth and white skin. One long red arm ending in a three clawed hand was on that side. On the other side, two tentacles that change in color came out.

This wretched being wore a bandolier made of series of thin gold bars, which ended in a laminated steel shoulder pad on the shoulder on the side of his body with the claw. This strange beast seemed to be wearing some sort of suit which only covers one half of his torso, and wore a purple jester hat on its unpleasant head.

“Hello, mine adapt abhorrent admirers! Why, thou art wondrous zealots of mine insanity!” said, Elucidir. He then spoke words that made more sense: “zip pity banana, wave boing zap pity voodoo hoodoo troll spit pumpkins!”

Tiodi stood there, and then said, “I…don’t understand, master Elucidir. You are speaking like a blathering Shakespearean actor that’s been hit in the head with a brick and then had been tortured by a psychopath. Are you…alright?”

Elucidir gave off a strange laugh that seemed to cause everyone in the room to feel like a spider had been placed on their face by a clown while drowning in a swimming pool filled with acid. The being then said, “Why, of course I’m alright! What? Do you expect a god-jester thingy like me to not be weird?”

Tiodi hadn’t really thought about it. On the one hand, Elucidir had a point. He was, of course, insane. “But still,” Tiodi thought to himself, “I must get something out of this fool!”

Elucidir then shouted, like a thousand game show hosts after a contestant got a question wrong, “WRONG! I AM NOT A FOOL! I AM A GOD OF FOOLS! AND CRIMINAL LEVELS OF INSANITY! AND ZIPPITY DOO DA BANANA SPILT KIDS!”

And at that point, David Erol, detective, and the policemen, broke into the room.Elucidir said, “Cultists of mine defend! Thou shall surely slay the enemies!” With a wave of his hand, all the cultists suddenly were carrying various species of fish. While puzzled at this change, they decided to fight back with the fish.

In the next few moments, utter chaos erupted.

Here are the reasons the cultists did not win this battle: One, fish are not good weapons; two, the policemen have guns; three, they were taken by complete surprised; and four, Elucidir wasn’t helping at all, since he quite frankly wanted to watch all of this and laugh.

The casualties of the police included small cuts and bruises from getting hit with the fish, loss of one eye when a cultist stabbed a policeman in the eye with a pike’s snout, and having their clothes smell like fish. Meanwhile, the cultists had lost most of their men. Tiodi had been shot by David multiple times before he died. David murmured, “What an idiot! He was just charging at me with a trout! I mean, come on! What was that suppose to do!”

Elucidir, of course, decided that, since it had gotten boring for him, resurrected all of his servants while healing their wounds. He also removed the fish from the room.

The revived cultists, rising up, would be forced to fight with their hands. Before Tiodi came back to life, he had channeled a demon into him: his eyes were glowing red, and he had sharp claws and teeth, and the skin was black as coal. His tongue had split into small, red tentacles.
The police and David Erol, who had been examining the bodies, were startled. He had been standing over Tiodi’s corpse, so this change into a demon was quite a shock to David. He was thrown off guard, staring at the eyes. He did not notice Tiodi’s fist coming toward his stomach.
David Erol was thrown to the ground by Tiodi. The being then leaped at him, but luckily, David still had his tommy gun. Before the creature could land on his body, he had rolled out of the way. Tiodi hit the floor, breaking the tile. David then started to move to the exit.

Around him, polic men were shooting at their opponents. The bullets seemed to be doing damage, but the enemies would not fall. One of the policemen shot one of the revived cultists in the head; it fell to the ground, dead. David caught this out of the corner of his eye, and thought “that’s how you are supposed to kill them: a shot to the head!” David wanted to shout this message out to the rest of the police, but he had no time to stop moving, and Tiodi was right on his tail.

David ran through the ball room doors, and then ran down the hall. He continued to run, knowing that his enemy was going to keep chasing him. He didn't stop. He could hear the panting, dog-like sound of the creature.

The detective spotted the exit of the of the building, and entrance to the street. Just before Tiodi could get to him, he slammed the door and sat in front of it. He knew that the being would eventually get through, so David moved out of the way, opening the door for Tiodi.

Tiodi burst through the exit, leaping across the sidewalk, and then landing in the middle of the street, just when a truck was approaching, like a juggernaut.

THUNK!

Tiodi slammed straight into truck, the wheels breaking his bones. He lay on the snowy pavement, dying. David got up, walked up to the dying beast, and shot it in the head, killing Tiodi and releasing the demon to Elucidir.

He then heard groaning noises. David turned around. He saw a fellow police officer. It looked like Sergeant Bob, but something was off. Those eyes…He then realized he had seen those eyes moments earlier: on the revived cultists.

The eyes were yellow, glowing, like two light-bulbs. They shone through the snowfall, bright, like lamps, yet they did not bring comfort. And, as David noticed, that was not the only feature that was off the revived cultist: he also had grey, lifeless skin, like a corpse.

David, knowing that “Bob” was probably not alone, dashed across the street. “Bob” started coming after him too. David sprinted down the street. While it wasn’t smart, he decided to look back. Of course, he slammed into a street pole.

He fell to the ground, dazed. He started to get up. The sound of groaning increased. He then saw that “Bob” wasn’t alone. David pulled out his tommy gun. He aimed it at the head of the nearest revived, and fired.


Do you like it or not?


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solarintegral
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 6 Jul 2013
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 33

11 Jul 2013, 2:22 am

Pale Water (Wind Trilogy)

Pale water
flows, what a critter
it is, sufficient like
alluvial soils.
These waters appear
to have stolen
fruits from
thirsty gardens
crested in a womb
of pastel red.

I respect what has
been given to us,
molded from
nature's ego
a box of twofold truths:
energy smiling;
thunderous waves.

A waterfall of
thoughts
transcends
reality,
running.
Water is
the foliage
to nature,
frosted like leaves
painted in
liquid snow.

Hydrogen scents
float on high,
to lend suffrage
to feminine minds
who land solely on
heads, a tradition
that welds passion
out of perched waters.

A wind is born -
aquatic love.

Your Mind Was a Kite (Wind Trilogy)

Your mind was a kite
shut down by a long list of
what ifs. Trapped in
austere winds, you
preferred the easy way out:
Decorating the sky
with post-its
to keep you from forgetting
the source of your despair.

You knew the wind was going
to win over your thoughts
until they turned into braille.
Opportunities unraveled like
new forms of quicksand
but were chewed away by
signs of an ice age.

Glacier (Wind Trilogy)

I remember the night
you carried a glacier
in your arms,
protecting you from
the smoldering moon.
Jealous winds glared
at you, tired of deserts
and prohibited water.
They tried to scold you,
for the ice you carried
to turn into silenced gold.

I remember you won
the skirmish between you
and the windstorms,
because your aquatic thoughts
froze the zephyr's capacity.
Never again would your
thoughts have to set
away the storm.

This was something I wrote a while back.



sonofghandi
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Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,540
Location: Cleveland, OH (and not the nice part)

15 Jul 2013, 5:19 pm

Presented without comment:

The Bottle calls to me
from his abode up on the shelf
reminding me he's the only friend
who has never let me down

So it's a rendezvous with Old Bottle
and together we have such times
Then Mr Bottle turns to me
and says let's go for a ride

So we're cruising down the street
and Bottle's eye distracts my eyes
and I do not see my only son
until it's just too late

There's nothing left of my boy
just these pictures and this pain,
a single granite marker,
and all the dry dead roses

My Consolation sings
it's siren's call from on the shelf
reminding me it's my only friend
who has let me down just once.


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ampitone
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 7 Jul 2013
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 47

22 Jul 2013, 7:11 am

This isn't entirely writing, BUT it's a CREEPY; goosebumps-like voice-over i did of a scary DC comic story , if you all watched it, i'd be happy, and if you have youtube accounts, if you THUMBS it up, i'd be 1000x more happier :D [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttqje2DKhRk[/youtube]


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I'm Andrew the aspie, and i'm the most diversly artistic, heterosexual, straight guy you'd never expect all these accursed skills to stem from...oh and i'm single, that's the price i pay for being myself and not changing for others


vickygleitz
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Joined: 29 Jul 2013
Age: 68
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,757
Location: pueblo colorado

02 Aug 2013, 1:38 am

Some beautiful work here. Not much critiquing or input at all though by those reading. One thing I have noticed, a lot of darkness in much that has been written. My work is directed at pre-teens to early teens [particularly male] with Aspergers. A few people who have read a portion of my writing tell me that they love the story but that it seems too dark for young people to read. Maybe it is too dark for a young teen-age neurotypical. Most autistic young people have been hurt OFTEN and their truth IS dark. I think they wouldd laugh at the silly little problems found in so much fiction for young adults so at this point I am retaining the dark, the pain, the suffering in my story.



Crowi
Hummingbird
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Gender: Female
Posts: 24

09 Aug 2013, 8:08 am

Vicky, I think that many teenagers who like reading, neurotypical or aspie, enjoy reading dark stuff. What sort of dark do you mean though?
Dark can mean sad, gloomy realism OR paranormal creepy stuff.
I think both are quite popular though.

Personally I don't like reading sad, gloomy realism. There is enough of that in the real world already. I love paranormal stuff, because it is obviously not real. I am not young, but I do read YA books, mostly 'paranormal' or fantasy ones ( and NOT the ones about the slimy romantic vampires!)

I haven't seen many that have silly little problems in them, but perhaps I just never read those. I think you find a lot of silly little problems in chicklit, but I can't be sure, because I never read that either....