Got rejected for good by my long-term crush

Page 2 of 2 [ 30 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2

Joined: 3 Dec 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 755

25 Aug 2018, 8:54 pm

I know this is really hard to do, especially at the moment because you're hurting, but try to remember he's just a human being, no more and no less. He's a man, so he very likely knows how hard it is to approach someone and let them know how they feel, so he is aware of the risk that you took and probably doesn't want to hurt you, because he's probably been there, too.

I'm not saying to not be hurt, because that's totally normal and okay. Just be kind to yourself. You put yourself out there and that's brave and nothing to be ashamed of.

_________________
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.

SummerAndSmoke
Blue Jay

Joined: 5 Nov 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 98

25 Aug 2018, 9:27 pm

Quote:

try to remember he's just a human being, no more and no less

You're right. I think the thing that's making me so sad is realizing that at the end of the day, he is exactly like every other person I've ever met that didn't want me. There was a part of me that thought maybe he would be that one who was different. But nope.... ultimately, I'm just another classmate. Not only am I not an option, I'm not even in the friend zone, either. He'd never reach out to me if we weren't in the same class anymore.

I am really disgusted when I think of how starry-eyed I was about him. It honestly did seem like maybe he cared for me at times. He was the first peer I've known who seemed to regard me as a fully-formed human being with feelings as acute as his. I remember when we attended the school's industry showcase, and how the next day he apologized for having to leave early and that he felt terrible he wasn't able to be there for me during such a painful experience. Nobody had ever shown that kind of concern for me before, and I remember being really touched. Thinking back, I think what he felt for me was just a more refined form of pity.

Last edited by SummerAndSmoke on 25 Aug 2018, 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

25 Aug 2018, 9:33 pm

Believe it or not, I’ve been that awkward. And people have gotten really upset because of it.

And I’ve had quite a few girlfriends, and I’m married now.

I hope I didn’t upset you.

kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

25 Aug 2018, 10:07 pm

I’m sorry you feel rejected.

But at least you were brave, and extended yourself.

If he doesn’t text you again, I am sure there are other just as worthy guys waiting in line to partake of your considerable charms.

Babi dwr
Blue Jay

Joined: 23 Jun 2016
Age: 1944
Gender: Female
Posts: 95
Location: UK

26 Aug 2018, 7:33 am

SummerAndSmoke wrote:

Quote:

There’s also a possibility that he’s shy. Maybe he was just stunned by what you said.

How could a 33-year-old guy who has had at least two girlfriends be shy around women to such an extent? Is that how you would respond to a woman you were attracted to?

Well with the aspies Ive dated thats exactly the kind of response I get. I still get that kind of rabbit in the headlights reactions to things now and we have been together 6yrs.

SilverStar
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 12 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,058
Location: Ohio, USA

26 Aug 2018, 10:47 pm

As I have always said, it is better to let someone know of your interest, sooner, rather than later, for this very reason. The longer you wait, the more painful it's gonna be, and the more time you are gonna waste (if they reject you).

Most NT's usually don't come right out and state their interest/intentions for this very reason. What they do, is "test the waters" to see if the other person might be romantically interested, or not. If they think they might be, they pursue it further, if not, they usually back off, and nobody gets embarrassed, or upset.

LuLu8500
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 27 Aug 2018
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 8

27 Aug 2018, 6:09 am

Hi beautiful!! ! I want to say how AWESOME I think you are for putting yourself out there!! !! That is SO HARD for anyone to do, it's one of the hardest things in life! And you did it!! ! It may feel like a failure in this moment, but it's not! It's a freaking milestone and a notch in your belt of life experiences, so congratulations and hold your head up high!! Much respect.

If there's one thing I've learned from the spectrum people in my life, it's that, opposite to common misconception, they feel emotions VERY DEEPLY. And they feel rejection very very very deeply too! I want you to know that I too have had an absurdly almost obsessive crush before. Unlike you, I did not have the cajones to speak up about it, and I missed out on whatever opportunity I might have had - and that is the only REAL failure.

All of the feelings of embarrassment, pain of rejection, are 100% normal and part of life that almost everyone who's wired for relationships goes through! So know that there's nothing wrong with you and you're not alone! It's a sign of a beating heart. And a beating heart will always go on and be able to beat for someone else

It is likely that this person is missing out on someone amazing for him, and that is truly sad. I'm sad, not for you - because you clearly have so much love to give the right person - but for this dude! He probably is unaware even from your text message of how deep your feelings truly are. But take heart. Even if he didn't want to go forward with it, he is probably really flattered, and doesn't view you at all in a negative light. I have rejected several guys interested in dating me over the years. Reasons varied and included age differences, the fact that I didn't feel ready to date at that time, or I just didn't feel like they were the right type for me. And it doesn't mean I felt like there was something "wrong" or "bad" about any of those guys - I really think they are lovely people and will make lovely partners for someone - and likely your crush could have a very high opinion of you.

My advice is to find people who have similar interests as you. Many people find matches through friends of friends. If you have friends who share similar interests, likely they have friends who are similar to them who might be single and ready to mingle.

Sending love girl, you are way more awesome than you know. Keep your head up.

LuLu8500
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 27 Aug 2018
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 8

27 Aug 2018, 6:19 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

1) Don't fantasise, fixate or catch feelings for anyone who you don't have reason to believe likes you back. If there are no objective signs of interest, assume that they're not romantically interested in you until such a time that there is evidence to suggest otherwise. If you catch yourself fantasising, you remind yourself that that person probably doesn't like you anyway and it kills the fantasy for you, or at least it did to me.

2) If you receive a painful rejection from someone, to get over it as fast as possible, block them out of as many channels of your life as possible. If you can go without seeing them at all in real life and block them on social media so you don't even see their name or photo, that's probably the best thing you can do at this stage. It will hurt for a little while, as recent wounds tend to do, but it will pass over time.

As an aside, I blocked the girl I received a painful rejection from on facebook for a year. I didn't see anything that would make me think of her for that entire year and after it was up, I added her on Facebook again and it was like I'd never even been rejected by her or liked her. She was just another girl.

To be fair though, over that year, my tastes did change a bit as well.

Hahah I disagree, fantasizing about crushes is an inevitable part of life

I don't think the OP should feel too badly for not having control over this! No one does. And eventually you likely will meet someone you have a silly crush on who will crush on you too and will turn into something good! So don't either of you feel bad for having feelings! Part of life is realizing you can't always avoid pain.

I think the blocking is probably a good suggestion though! It may be helpful to help her move on. My advice to the OP, focus on something you love, something you're good at, to remind yourself of your worth. Don't take romantic rejection as rejection of you as a person! You are still amazing.

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,908
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

27 Aug 2018, 12:29 pm

Quote:

try to remember he's just a human being, no more and no less

I very strongly....strongly disagree with this line of thought.

Natalie Portman is just a human being too, but I will never be able to date her even if she happens to know me personally, no matter how strongly I fantasize about her; because i am nowhere close to her level of attractiveness, success, and character.

According to OP, the guy is a theater celeb, very handsome, very talented and very awesome and capable to date very drop-dead gorgeous women.

Look, this is not a Haven thread, the OP needs to learn from this experience otherwise this thread is useless - she needs to accept the fact that, like everything else in human society, dating is very hierarchical - especially in our monogamous cultures. She has to determine her 'place' in the dating market and accept it, and to have a more realistic set of standards for her next love interest, by realistic i mean a guy who is closer to her own level in the dating market; yes that means less handsome/awesome/talented/donjuan than her first crush. Or she has to transform into a very talented and drop-dead gorgeous human herself....the former approach is more realistic.

Failing to do so, will make her end up alone forever.

SummerAndSmoke
Blue Jay

Joined: 5 Nov 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 98

27 Aug 2018, 7:41 pm

This is all getting pretty out of hand..... I feel like my soul is dying. I called an emotional support hotline and they recommended me to a nearby mental health center. For the first time since Friday, I dragged myself out of bed and got down there. The psychologist did a mental evaluation of me and said that he thinks I need supervision in a psychiatric hospital. I honestly cannot do that because there would be nobody to take care of my cat. The doctor booked me a free therapy session for Saturday .... I don't know how I'm going to get through the week ....

cberg
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,183
Location: A swiftly tilting planet

27 Aug 2018, 7:46 pm

"Supervision" is what they call for when they want to go fishing in your bank.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen: