AspieLove - Can You Help?

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Hey all

I'm NT and have known a male Aspie for two years now. He is 22 I am 26. When we first met we went on a date which went really well. Then he panicked and decided he just wanted to be friends and didn't want to be with anyone. Of course I felt really bad cos I adored him and still do. We got on so well and had loads in common. My cousin is Aspie too and I tend to bond with you guys pretty easily more than most people, I don't know why! I share alot of your unusual interests maybe. My IQ is 146 and I often wonder if that is why. Like you, I feel like I am on the wrong planet most of the time because 97% of people don't think like me!! Only 3% of people have my IQ so I guess we're both different for different reasons! I don't know, I often wonder!

Anyway, back to my Aspie Angel. So, since then we have just been friends because I didn't want to lose him as a person. However it;s been cracking me up because we do everything couples do. I don't mean physical stuff - nothings ever happened like that - but you know walks and meals and we went on holiday last xmas. Thing is, he gives off mixed signals. He admits he is attracted to me and even sabotaged potential relationships with other men while we were on holiday last year. He acts like my boyfriend in so many ways even though he says he isn't. Other people tend to assume we're going out because we're very close and we know each others families very well now. He's very complicated and boy does he give me a headache!! But I love him too. He was very hurt at 17 by a girl he was going out with for a year when she ditched him as she had been seeing someone else behind his back. That was 5 years ago and I have had two nasty boyfriends myself but am happy to trust him. Do Aspie scars tend to last that long? I have done everything I can to make him see that I would never hurt him but the excuses keep flowing as to why he doesn't want a relationship with anyone.

He isn't very academic and didn't cope well at college. I think if he was to earn a living later in life it would be via more practical trades like plumbing or carpentry. He may never earn, he is entitled to state benefits at the moment due to his Aspiness. I am studying for a psychology degree via distance learning while working full time in mental health. I want to be a clinical psychologist. At the moment every sign is that I am likely to be the main breadwinner if we were to get together but I don't care - I love him and would marry him and have his babies!! Heck I hope he doesn't read this he'll panic even more!! I think me being a psychologist type mildly worries him because he always jokes that I might try to "probe" him!! I don't view him as a specimen for study though - he is such a beautiful caring sensitive person and he would make the best dad and hubby in the world whether or not he was earning a six figure salary and that's what I want.

Anyway, your advice as Aspies would be greatly appreciated - can you help me to see where he is coming from and what I should do? It hurts me so much because he is so close yet so bloomin far, it's very frustrating!

Thanks billions

Well i couldn't tell you why exactly he seems reluctant to enter into a more intimate relationship with you. Those answers are in his head and i'd have to know him to even be able to guess. If i were him however i would be afraid of being tied into some official relationship. I'd feel i had obligations and responsibilities which are not present with friendship. As a matter of fact i see a lifelong friendship as a much more enjoyable way to live a lifetime and i'm very sad so many people are unsatisfied unless married.

Personally, the pain of bad memories endures daily. If i remember a bad memory it is like i experianced it last week. I don't know about him, but i think those memories would be with me every day. I could overcome it by establishing ABSOLUTE trust with a person. But a lot of aspies have built emotional walls which make them reluctant to get that close to people.

Your story is very touching. He's lucky to have someone so understanding in his life.

I did similar things to women when I was his age. The thought of a relationship was confusing to me. I didn't know how to deal with the unspoken rules, the idea of commitment. There are a lot of ideas connected with romance and love in our society that, to a concrete, literal-thinking mind, don't add up.

It might help him if you were to shatter some of these common myths together. It would likely take a LOAD of pressure off him. State the real truth. It's not romantic, but it could be the basis for making an honest, happy relationship. Examples:

Myth: "We are going to be together forever" -- Is this really true? The truth is, we don't know. We are together now, and we'll always be doing the best we can. But belief in this dictum is not mandatory in order to make a happy life now.

Myth: "In a relationship, we must always love each other" -- Nonsense. Ask any couple who've been married 50 years. They'll tell you there were many times they hated one another. Sometimes you feel distant, sometimes your eye wanders to others you find attractive, and sometimes you desperately want a separation. Being a committed or married couple is hard work. If he or you feel badly toward the other sometimes, that's okay. What really counts is that you work through it.

Myth: "If you love me, you'll stay with me"--This is also patently false. You can love someone dearly and tell them you don't want to see them anymore. It's really a very enlightened way to go. Aspies especially can appreciate this truth being expressed, because the drama and hate of break-ups can be very traumatic--as it sounds like it was for your bloke before.

A fantastic book on this is called I Need Your Love: Is That True? by Byron Katie. You can get it at most large bookstores, and I highly recommend it, for yourself, and for him, if he'll read it. The good-sense approach Katie has to love is pure ambrosia to aspies. It sounds like your fellow is all tied up in his head. THis sort of inquiry will get him out with you again.

If he has the best of intentions, then remember that.