so i've like this guy for forever and...

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i'm just learning of my aspie qualities which has helped me deal and i have a little more patience now, anyways, first, thank you for listening and thank God for this community of fellow and fellet aspies...

so my predicament is i have been very fond of this guy since August 07 and for a year we would "meet up" at the local bar and go home together and i was positive 'he was the one i could see myself with.. forever" and it's hard for me to feel that way about anyone.. yet he told me he didn't want a relationship and i wasn't the one and he would be rather blunt with me.. when we first met he said we were both weird.. and i've just had a strong attraction to him.. and when we kiss it's incredible but talking for us is not very easy.. well i saw him today at his place of work just as my kids and i were about to leave he came up to me and hugged me and when he was talking, i was thinking, yeah he definately has some aspie traits, and as always he put me on cloud 9 and quickly left because he had to start his shift.. i walked with the kids out and didn't see him again. i haven't spoke to him prior to today other than by email in which we exchanged phone numbers.. i left him one message and he hasn't called.. i feel like we are both nervous and neither one of us knows how to handle this and it's easier for him to insult me and try to find flawas in me then to put any effort in something that makes him feel nervous and uncomfortable in..

he makes me smile like no other and when i see him i just light up and ppl notice.. but that makes him feel uncomfortable.. anyways just thought about letting that out with you all since you have taken the place of my obsessions in a safe way..

you guys kind of rushed things over there, but that's ok, maybe you can catch up and spend some time talking? ask him questions and just try to learn more about him

This is hard, as in I'm in the same boat - very rarely attracted to anyone and the rare times when I am its pretty steep and often enough with women who have traits. The problem is, you can meet someone who's an attractive mirror image of you in the opposite sex, they may even seem to see that themselves, sadly it only means so much. I frankly am not sure what this guy is doing, your closer to the situation which brings you a wealth of information that we can't have as well as the possibility of perceptual blinders on aspects of what's going on here.

The only advice I can give you is, if your pretty sure that he has an interest in you but you think that you might be giving him too much intensity, try to flirt in very grounded kinds of ways - ie. try and keep the emotionality of it low-impact. Some people just have low shielding and I can admit that if an attractive girl gave me the wide-eyes back when I was 20 it was about as bad as staring directly at the sun. I don't know that I'm saying NT it up and try playing it sly, some of that might take the edge off but if you think he has emotional hypersensitivities don't beam too much as if he can't fend it off he'll feel your essence almost invading his sense of self and obliterating it which quite honestly, even when its by a very positive emotion, is terrifying for someone who has to struggle to maintain their own emotional autonomy and control over themselves.

my thoughts exactly.. it was weird when we talked in the past he would be the one bringing up "relationship" stuff and i hardly mentioned it, then ofcourse that would trigger some rejection feelings in me and i've done the same to him and only when he feels like i am pushing him away (via email) does he email me back.. i figure time will work it out.. i'm just confused at times about this whole aspie thing and how it makes me get so easily attached to people.. but then i write these checks my but can't cash.. so to speak.. he lives 30 minutes away and i know that doesn't seem like a lot but it is when we are both so broke and barely making ends meet.. thanks for the input though.. yep talking is good..

and yet it's so hard.. definitely need to work on those "interests" of his.. he's really into music.. a lot i've never heard before and he introduced me to the band Pepper..

it's almost though like it's easier for us to put things off and nothing ever happens.. i really do miss him though..

he pointed out my "obsessiveness and attachment issues" before (he likes pointing things out) so that also slows me down a bit..

so confused..

so i get this guy friend of mine is living his life to it's fullest while he can and a relationship is not on his list of priorities.. we don't get to see each other much so i know i need to move on and i have been trying to for a year now.. i struggle.. but i have no other choice

This might not seem helpful, but whenever I tell someone that I don't want a long term relationship, it means just that. Guys have a different mindset here. We love being with women but we don't like the idea of just settling down, especially if we're not clear on what we want. Often I'm pretty sure how far I'd be willing to take a relationship with people within the first few moments of meeting them. In the past I would go straight to the fun part (and tell them I didn't want to settle) and they'd never believe me.

Nowdays my idea of a relationship is making it through to the next day and seeing how I feel about them (very slow). I think it's important for a guy to know how he feels about a woman and maybe test the relationship a little before making a definative plan. You can feel free to hate me for the way I see this, but I'm gonna give you the warning, if he wants to get physical too soon, he's likely to go off in the next direction whenever he feels like it, even if his intentions were honest, people's feelings just change. My advice is to make sure that he appreciates more of the things you do before you show him any signs of committment yourself. For a guy with my personality, this will be more effective than giving in to what he wants whenever he wants it.

You're very communicative here, I think that's a great quality, and you're strong enough to cut those losses, I've heard of people taking forever to do that sort of thing, you owe yourself a ladies night out or something. Whenever I'm feeling down I go and BS with people until I feel better. You're gonna have to trust me on this, there are lots of men who appreciate someone who can communicate well, and by the looks of your avatar, I can't think of many men who wouldn't find you attractive. Between you and me, there are tons of available men around military posts (the male/female ratio is higher than other places), gotta warn you though, it's a rowdy croud over there.

Sugermania, you mention that you have children.

That is a really difficult thing for a guy.

He must not only choose you as a partner but choose to take responsibility to raise children who are not his.

That is a really big deal!

Ok, heres my take on it.

I've had that kind of superintense nigh psychotic type of feelings for people in the past.
Those relationships have never ever lasted for me in any real way.

See eventually the initial high point of those feelings drop off in any relationship then what you have left is the person free of that. You'll still be attracted to them but if your mind was completely cloudy about too many big negative points ...... well they will come to the forefront.
It seems better when you have someone you are attracted to, but that you like for reasons outside of those feelings too because you will keep finding reasons for that initial "high" you felt with them to reasert itself periodically and inbetween then their still a verry awesome person as well.

Honestly this guy doesn't sound so great for you from the limited info I have.
It seems he likes having fun with you but as soon as it turns to any other possible aspect of enjoying you he doesn't want to be a part of it.
Which is kind of a biggie.

My advice since you say you are trying to let go is this:
1) remember that emotions are only an involuntary response much like chattering teeth when you get really cold. Don't feel guilty for feeling anything, just be aware of the other aspects of the situation. That way you can at least try not to act on them if they happen to be stupid.

2) You ARE going to think about him, it just happens. So instead of concentrating on how he made you feel try thinking about other aspects to him such as his unwillingness to conect and whatever else. This has always helped me when trying to get over a person.

3) And finally also tell yourself in your head that you ARE in fact over him. Even though its not true that little thing will help cut away those pangs of irrational longing that come now and then.

So umm.... yeah there. Hope it helps even a little bit.