Apathy towards romantic relationships

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I thought I'd post what my feeling are towards romantic relationships, and see if any of you feel the same way I do now:

I've been single all my life now, which is 22 years, and during much of this time, I have longed and have searched to find a girl to be in a dating/romantic relationship with. I can't even remember all the girls whom I tried to ask out throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school, whom I was rejected by.

I was extremely lonely for a long time and was upset and discouraged that I never got a gf. I first wondered whether there was something wrong with me, and then later on I blamed the girls I asked out because I deemed them "superficial and petty", and that they only cared about the "creme de le creme (cream of the crop)" of males. At that time, I learned to resent ALL my female peers because of the actions of a few.

But after being single for so long, I've become used to the loneliness to the point where it no longer stings or hurts anymore. There came a point where I said "f**k it, I don't care anymore, I'm sick of expecting to have a relationship, and quite frankly, why should I care anyways? A relationship is not going to be some magical event that makes life anymore tolerable, so what's the point of even trying. If women have rejected me, why should I care for them?"

It was at that point I stopped caring about all this relationship stuff, and didn't even think of women as romantic possibilities anymore. It's all seems so trivial to me now, pointless. I've been rejected before, and if I tried again, I'm sure I would be met with rejection as well. I honestly believe that most females my age would never care for me romantically, whether it be personality or looks, and because of this internal belief, I feel no need to put myself out there. I've lived without any romantic activity for 22 years, and I've taken all the hits that comes with it. And after being alone for a long time, I could care less what happens, I could walk alone and be just fine, or I could be in a relationship sometime in the future and do good as well. But whatever the case, what happens happens, and I'm not going to chase after something so elusive as a relationship and ultimately disappointing as a rejection.

you know what, go out with someone "uglier" than you "think" you "deserve". Go talk to all the lonely girls and see how hard it is for them as well. Maybe you ARE stepping outside of your limitations. Or maybe you just need some experience. Maybe you need to learn from a woman what your flaws are and work on them. Maybe you think you're perfect or know you're not, either way, you come off as the "wrong type".

Also, You need to release yourself from your shy inhibited shell. You need to learn to TRULY not care cause right now you care more than you wish to show. You hurt inside still whether you're willing to admit it or not. You want a girlfriend or you wouldnt have written all that. You need to learn the real world is about compromise, acceptance, and tolerance. Its not a one way road bro. You have to compromise accept and tolerate her as much as her you.

After you get a few dates down, you may realize you can get the girl you want, you just have to try SMARTER, not harder. Some girls dont give thier future husband the time of day when they first meet(my best friend included). So dont worry about the friend zone, just worry about the enemy zone. Sometimes they're in a relationship, sometimes they're an emotional train wreck, and sometimes they're just a b*tch. You can expect to be rejected 9 out of 10 times, UNLESS you are the hottest, best dressed, styled, and in control guy they see.

But stop fooling yourself. Unless you dont try, You will find someone, you just havent yet(neither have I). But Ive been on a few dates and I try to learn from my mistakes. Its not necessary to "make moves", just be comfortable around them, and they'll return the favor usually. But make sure your hygiene is up to par. That could be whats holding you back. Bad teeth, long fingernails, poor clothing/style, and a lack of ability to tease are big obstacles to overcome...

Maybe you need to learn that aint nothin promised in life, but life and death.
love aint promised
marriage aint promised
friends aint promised.

so get thicker skin, and leave the bs behind and be yourself my friend, and you dont have to date anyone you aint attracted to

It's obvious the apathy is forced. You haven't really gotten rid of your desires, only given up.

maybe it's acceptance of a celibate lifestyle?

Not everyone is destined to have relationships. Statistically speaking from what I've read online MOST aspies fall into that category. And a short post is a bit of flimsy evidence for y'all to go giving AutisticMalcontent advice. There are only so many ways you can "just be yourself" that don't work. He should "take it one day at a time" and "put himself out there" etc...

I say good on him. If he can find hapiness outside of a relationship then it means he'll be okay with OR withoutone.

so... well done on the mindset AutisticMalcontent. Though I do hope you do find someone you can be happy with. Whether that is a partnered relationship or a few friendships.

I had the same sort of apathy that you have, and before then I had the same obsession with wanting to be in a relationship. At one point, I just didn't think about romance anymore, and that was when I met my boyfriend, with whom I've been together for 14 months. I don't think love is something that you can find by obsessively going out with every girl you find charming. It doesn't mean you should mistrust all females or act like you will never get a girlfriend anyway. If at all possible, try to relax about the issue. Maybe you will come across a girl you like and who likes you at the time when you least expect it. This isn't meant as a cliche, but it is how it went with me.

They say love finds you when your NOT looking for it. The universe is ironic sometimes. Not caring what people think of you actually helps out a lot. It makes you come off as less desperate, and attracts more people to you. Everyone thinks having a romantic partner will make them so much happier, but not if it's with the wrong person, and if they don't fix their other issues first.

Words of wisdom.



Because you can't help it. Being heterosexual (as in, not homosexual or asexual) means that your natural disposition is to be inherently attracted to attractive women. Even if right now you say "I could care less", if a woman walked past you that possessed all the characterstics you found attractive (long hair, soft skin, so on and so forth), the natural reaction would be a physical attraction towards her, even if you would truly prefer to just not care at all.

And if the woman does not feel a similar mutual attraction towards you, then once again the result is the unpleasant "attracted to/caring for a person that is not attracted to/cares for me" situation. The same is equally true for heterosexual women who are attracted to men who do not mutually find them equally attractive.

Even those who take a vow of celibacy are voluntarily choosing not to engage in sexual interaction. However, they don't actually get rid of the desire to do so (of course, this doesn't apply to asexual individuals).

Desire and passion are very difficult things to fight or swear off forever, even if they are unfortunately unfulfilled.

There is a difference Diamon Head, between heterosexual attraction and doing something about it.

One can learn to deal with the expectation of a celibate lifestyle. That does not mean the attraction is not there. Just a declaration that, unless something happens, the percieved pros of pursuing a relationship with a woman are outweight by the obstacles.

That is not to say that if a relationship presents itself it is not pursued. Just not actively pursued. I didn't read that the original poster was going to "swear of it forever." They just accepted that it hadn't happened so far and given certain (not wholly described) difficulties was unlikely going to happen so was cultivating an attitude and lifestyle that was fulfilling outside of a relationship.

i have never had any interest in other people really. i do not have much of a sex drive and i do not have much testosterone coursing through me.

i never "made a pass" at any girl because i never felt inclined to. i have never been rejected because i never "made a pass".

some girls have tried hard to become part of my life, but they all gave up (except for one girl who is more severely autistic than me).
they realize that they can not have an emotional bond with me, and they eventually feel lonely in my presence no matter how much i try to "entertain" them. they move on and i make no attempt to stop them.
oh well there i go.


i never felt the feeling of "loneliness". maybe i should realize that i can not post anything constructive to this thread because of that.
i can not imagine feeling "lonely", and it is something i never thought i would be interested in, but i see that so many people here on this site feel what they say is "lonely".

maybe i wish i could feel what "lonely" feels like for even a few seconds. then i may have insight into others feelings of "loneliness", and be able to contribute something worthwhile.


if some one does not care, they rarely resort to expletives to state that fact. i think you still care but you have managed to bury it so it can not stir you.


despite the fact i have no idea about romantic issues, i do not think that all girls think ill of me.
you say you "stopped caring" but your words are very flavored with bitterness.
why are girls so important to who you are? who has the reigns of your life in their hand? you or them?

no girl could ever design me and make me, so all girls must know that i am without influence from other peoples endorsement. whether they like it or mot is dependent on their taste, and that is the way of biology.

Well, the way i see it, i wasn't going to get any love either. So i just stopped caring, but i'm still waiting... time is of the essence here, i've also shifted my priorities somewhat. I don't expect to be in a relationship with every girl i meet. Just talking with them at first is good enough for me (helps get rid of the shyness as well). After that, if they want to go further, it's their choice. At the very least i'll not be making the first move and inflict myself more psychological damage in the eventual case a rejection occurs.

I'm starting to have apathy towards romantic reltionships. "just wait, Ken, you'll find someone, just keep trying" Benn waiting and trying since I was 17 or so. Thats 24 years. I keep getting rejected all the time. So whats the point?

It sounds crazy when you're trying to fix your relationship problem, but this is good advice, just like a jigzaw puzzle, if you don't have the love pieces, don't worry about them, just sort the pieces you do have.

Obviously so. My point was that a heterosexual man is still going be inherently attracted to attractive women, regardless of whether or not they are subsequently apathetic towards relationships or decide to pursue a celibate lifestyle.

I'm not sure whether or not the original poster is saying that he intends to pursue celibacy. If so, then I wish him the best of luck.



I agree with you, not everyone is destined to have a happy relationship, any more than everyone is destined to become a millionare or to become a movie star.

If a man gets rejected constantly and gets tired of trying, then it seems like choosing celibacy would be the logical option. I can understand if someone decides to just say "to hell with it" and live life without attempting to find love or sexual attraction that is mutually reciprocated, especially if they constantly have to deal with rejection from people that they are attracted to.

There are many fantastic and worthy things a man can do that have nothing to do with sex or love - such as scientific achievements, medical breakthroughs, artistic or musical endeavors, etc.

However, life is short, and wasted hours and missed opportunities rapidly pile up as the years go by, until a man wakes up one day and realizes that he's approaching middle age and has never truly been in love / had a relationship / had sex, etc. There are other guys out there who are successfully doing all of these things, even as I type this post. Why submit to them, and simply decide that these things aren't meant for you? (I use the word "you" as a general term, not to actually mean any particular person on WrongPlanet.)

Men who are successfully doing these things are no more deserving of love or affection than you are. Foreswearing relationships and dropping out of the game means that the men with sufficient confidence to keep trying will have less competition, so they will become the ones that "get the girl" in the most literal sense of the term, and become the mythical "alpha males" so extensively discussed and analyzed on these forums. Why let them do that, without putting up a fight first?

Very well put Diamond Head, couldn't agree more

Thank you for your favorable opinion of me, Izaak As for those who are giving me advice on what to do, and what not to do, I don't mind such discussion at all, in fact, I believe it makes this post even more interesting. I wrote this post as an assertion of my personal beliefs, I welcome people to agree with me or try and refute my beliefs.

I explained my belief in my original post, but I will go further will it with a secondary explanation. I believe that in certain circumstances, we learn to create a defensive mechanism or coping strategy when we are faced with an unpleasant stimulus for a long time, or for incidents that occur with great frequency. I think that there is a point of conversion, a point of acceptance, where we really don't care anymore, and learn to accept it.

For example, let's take an old person who has terminal cancer. When they first learn that they're going to die from their doctor, they are in denial and think that there is a mistake. They go through various stages until they finally reach acceptance of the fact that they're going to die.

I'll give another example. Let's take someone who is anxiety prone and works at a very busy fast food restaurant, like McDonald's or Taco Bell. Let's say this in the first time they had to work in drive thru , and there is lunch or dinner rush going on. At first, they might be anxious and scared about being in a foreign environment, where there is a lot of interaction with people at a very fast pace. But over time, if they have to work the drive thru during a rush, they will cope to the situation and accept it, because they have experience by then, and they realize that there isn't a problem.

Now how does this relate to loneliness? Well it uses the same concept as the two above mentioned examples. If a guy is single, let's say in milddle school, when dating really becomes commonplace, he will begin to feel lonely if he doesn't meet anyone. His hormones are wild, and he might feel the peer pressure build from his fellow classmates to be in a relationship.

If he is alone for a very long time (like in the sense of years), he will try to find a way to cope to his loneliness and lustful feelings. He might turn to unsavory methods of satisfying his urges, but overtime, he will get sick of such things because he's done them to death. Once he hits the point where he is tired of doing his current coping, he might look for a new one, or finally accept the situation at hand. He would accept that he is alone (single), and that he doesn't need a romantic relationship to be happy.

You see, being faced with loneliness for a long time is an inevitable circumstance for some people, and they must learn to cope with it, or else forever be saddened or depressed about it. I do believe that many women will never be interested in me, for the simple fact that we don't have enough in common, and because they might find me unattractive physically (I'm average looking, so I think I look alright). If one accepts such a thing, the thought of being alone seems less severe. It doesn't mean I'm celibate, I still find women physically attractive, but I have come to the realization that I may never really love or take interest in most of them because they will more than likely reject me, and they will likely reject me for petty and childish reasons. So why should I entertain them with my interest? Judgmental? Very. But then again, it makes little difference to me, I'm not here to impress women or flatter them.

If a gal comes along someday who does take an interest in me and I find her attractive and take an interest in her (as unlikely as I consider that scenario to be), I might consider the possibility. But for now, it doesn't really matter, I'll come to that bridge when I cross it, but in the meantime, I won't bother crossing the bridge.