A quote from Pugly

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I saw this in the "odd-bods" thread. I may post in there someday, but for now I just wanted to comment on this.

Also, isn't it true that you are emotionally very empty and doubt you even know what it means to be in love or express love? And that you fear that you'll get so attached to the first girl that shows even a modest interest in you that you'll never look at the bad things until it's too late and you can't escape? And change in your life is so difficult that you would rather endure in your usual happy go lucky, passive aggressive way then to go through a period without a relationship and someone to be close to again? And deep down you believe that all the woman who rejected you were right in their own way, that you weren't good enough for any of them... and you would just end up hurting them in the end?

You say that as if these were all awful things. In fact, I'd readily admit to a bunch of them. Here goes:

Also, isn't it true that you are emotionally very empty and doubt you even know what it means to be in love or express love?

Definitely true for me. Though I wouldn't say I'm emotionally empty in everything, certainly not in how I relate to nature and to my special interests--just toward other people. And it would be great to meet a girl who also "doubts she knows" these things, so that we could learn together (wouldn't it be cute, two people learning how to love), or at least is not put off by me having this void.

After all, this truly is a hole that it would take someone else to help me fill--no matter how fulfilled I am with career, hobbies, etc., this won't help in itself. And I really feel that I have to get the need to be physically intimate out of my system before I can even begin to approach learning this with a level head, so that's my priority anyway. I see these as two mostly separate things.

Note that while I am interested in learning about love, this is just that, learning. So a woman who expects love before intimacy even starts doesn't work for me.


And that you fear that you'll get so attached to the first girl that shows even a modest interest in you that you'll never look at the bad things until it's too late and you can't escape?

This may happen once I begin to understand love, yet don't understand it well. Yet even that point doesn't seem imminent.

And change in your life is so difficult that you would rather endure in your usual happy go lucky, passive aggressive way then to go through a period without a relationship and someone to be close to again?

Well, I'd definitely rather go about my life than suddenly jump in the deep end by starting a serious relationship when I don't really know what relationships are all about.

And deep down you believe that all the woman who rejected you were right in their own way, that you weren't good enough for any of them... and you would just end up hurting them in the end?

No, I certainly don't feel that the women who have rejected me over the years were right. They had the right to do it, but that doesn't mean I blame myself for it. Though if they would have ended up hurt because I didn;t know how to give them some advanced form of love, well, then I guess I would have (unintentionally) hurt them in the end.

Whatever happened to Pugly?

I dunno. I wasn't even aware that he's been gone.

Not sure I fully grasp the context of this quote - he said this to you perhaps?

I think any one of us that are stuck in something of a primacy stage have a lot of emotional catching up and yes, it could be a hard plunge. At the same time though, I'd think not falling for the first girl who shows interest isn't an issue of experience but rather an issue of self knowledge - as in you don't need to be in a relationship to sort out somewhat who's right for you and who isn't. Really, for the right person, you're looking for someone that both has a lot to offer you and for whom you have a lot to offer (emotionally) - quite often being able to give back comes in the form of a like or similar personality, someone where when she's around you feels perfectly comfortable and like she can show her best self - that also means you'll be seeing the most attractive side of her, the real her in that case, and it should further help things out.

If what you're saying (or how your responding to the quote at least) is true and you feel like you have no emotive sense of up from down, you may be right in that optimally it would be great to find someone who's in the same stage herself - the trouble that comes with that though, there's no guaranteeing that you'd even get along with someone like that; having a similar lack of emotional identity doesn't mean that you'll be coming from even remotely the same place. My best advice though; if you can sort yourself out ahead of time by all means do it, otherwise I could see this scenario going rather toxic in most cases and even at worst being a net loss to both you and the girl you're dating. Once you know yourself better and what types of women have similar needs - that's the ground I think you'd much rather stand on and work from.

He said it to someone else on the odd-bods thread, but I found it interesting so I started my own thread to respond to it.



It's hard to find women, though, who I think have the same needs. As it seems you understand well (and maybe can relate to), what I'm mostly looking for, in addition to being able to experiment with sexual things, is to simply explore what mutual attraction and maybe giving and receiving love (if I can do them) feel like. After that I will possibly be able to decide better what kind of person I'd like to be in a relationship with for a longer period of time, or even whether I want a relationship at all at this time in my life.

I feel I need time to play around with the concepts of emotional reciprocity before actually putting them "to work". To make an analogy, if relationships are like a language, I need to spend some time babbling before I can actually communicate in full sentences. I often think that much of the reason even aspie girls seem emotionally ahead of us is that social circumstances force girls to start "babbling" interpersonally much earlier than adulthood.

One could say I'd be best going for women who are very similar to myself. I meet quite some women who share some of my interests, yet they don't seem to have similar needs. And I'm actually attracted most to people who are very different, as since I feel I was cut off from much of human experience from an early age, I am drawn to those whom I feel can balance out my holes, and also find those who are similar make me feel "claustrophobic". But then I also don't understand their needs.