If someone isn't interested in what you're talking about....

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What I meant, was that you have learned to focus on acquiring both friends and a lover. Of course it is impossible to predict when or if love will come, but my comparison of you to other Aspie male's posts, was of you not exclusively focusing on finding love only. IMO, a man who is able to be a friend, has made a very good start.

Well, I still have big hopes for you, TOS. I think you're on the verge of success, and when you get it, you'll be mostly happy (with some new issues from having a relationship, but that's normal). I'm looking forward to the day when this happens for you.

One thing that i have found to be particularly helpful on this front is essay writing. I suck at it but learning how has taught me something important: as an aspie you must budget what you say. Say only the most essential things first. If they are still interested, then elaborate, point by point. And be succinct.

The problem most aspies have is they have no idea which part of what they're talking about is most essential or interesting to the listener.

Think of it this way: you are listening to a suspenseful or otherwise riveting story and right when the story teller is about to get to something really key or important that would bring things together, they go back to repeat something they've already said, or say that earlier part just a little differently, and they're long-winded about it.

Think about what the thesis of your statement is, then talk. Be brief and STFU. Also if you've already stated your point and feel the need to dive into further detail, a few steps in, ask if you are talking to much. Maybe ask that fairly often. If you are, then go back to just saying the thesis the next time a reply is asked of you.

Anoying behavior solved.

This is excellent advice! I tend to ramble or repeat myself when talking.

this has nothing to do with anything--least of all "love and romance"---but i'm still fascinated by cortisol.

I'm glad this is a help to people. I must point out that I am a student of this rather than a master.

I got this info and similar from the book Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo, which is a $30 PDF you can download, or you can pirate it and his excellent DVD's on various dating themes, though I wouldn't recommend that route. If you take what the book talks about as general communication advice, it is best. Also the only stuff I found useful came after page (not sure) 72 or so. Still worth the $30 I think.

You make it sound like me getting a girlfriend is inevitable... Based on my experiences, I was getting the opposite impression...

Hey, thanks. And after having read yours here, may I say the same to you! I'm just sorry I got distracted from this thread and am here, 5 days later, re-visiting it. I wish I'd come back on that night and seen this then.



Something wonderful is happening to me since coming to WP. My intent was to learn more about AS (which I am, naturally) but what is so marvelously unexpected is that I'm learning so much about a lot of my own long-held hurt and anguish. I'm starting to see now that people's anger, the stuff that they seem to just hurl around indiscriminately, really does not have to hit me full in the face. I can duck. And it's not my job to stand in the way of sh*t-tossing to protect those around me when I don't necessarily have enough armor of my own to do much protecting. I can be empathetic and not have to wear other people's anger. It triggers my anger/depression. And my anger can't fix other people's anger. Silly me! This "wounded hero" persona of mine, when it came to me recently, just made me think of a scene at the very beginning of the first "Superman" movie:

(You needn't bother watching the whole clip: Just drag the time bar cursor forward and watch from 4:15 to 4:24)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yejwYSZQPsg[/youtube]

"Easy, Miss. I've got you."
"You've got me? Who's got you?!"
*Superman snickers*

This is how I often feel, not just here at WP, but in my marriage to a lovely troubled guy who has AS/BPD. He and all of his family expect me to catch him when he falls... but in reality... I need catching myself, too.



I, too, am finding myself posting a lot in the Adult Issues and Love and Dating subforums for the same reasons -- it's where I think I can do the most good. Other than that, I'm doing a lot of lurking because when I have become involved in the General Discussion area, I have so far been voicing some outrage over NT bashing. Not that it turned out badly -- it was really overall a positive experience -- but I can't really be doing that all the time, and anyway, I think the WP staff got a good idea of how many people here really disapprove of it -- NT and AS alike. But it's exhausting and messes with my head a bit, so, not my favorite.



And I too will investigate your recommendations. I know my hubby will get into anything to do with AI, and Matrix and Terminator just happen to be two of his all-time favorite movies!

Be well,
Feyhera

Yeah! You know what else grinds my gears? Those damn disabled people always going around in those chairs all the time. Lazy is what that is!

You'd be surprised how difficult it is to notice these things. With a bit of attention you can notice someone's looking at their watch as long as they're not being subtle (actually tracking eye movements to see where someone is looking is effectively impossible, even pointing is tricky when you're tired), but that's normally the point when they're thinking "he's been talking for hours, why won't he just shut up?"

I don't ramble anymore, I had enough obvious body language to know I was doing it, which was fine, once the bruises healed, but I have no way to moderate this behaviour. So I almost always stick to the other extreme, never say more than one sentence at a time.

LAWL

Well its easier for some people than for others. This stuff is the sort of thing aspies should be taught starting in elementary school as a survival skill. Thats one thing that is missing in special ed: survival skills for neuro-aetypicals. It will help with all aspects of life if you can learn it. It took me most of my life to learn it. i'm 26 now, not exactly a geezer but you get my point. Take a course or three in essay writing. Better - take a lot of courses that require it. It will help you learn how to budget your information.

THeres no reason you should have to limit your self-expression that drastically.

They are not lazy if their legs do not work well. Some people have a chronic illness and it makes them weak to walk so they can't walk far so they use those wheel chairs to get around. So it's pretty unfair to call someone lazy just because they need a chair to get around because their legs do not work or their illness makes them fatigue and it keeps them from being able to walk far. They are not choosing that lifestyle.

He was being sarcastic, basically telling me that I was exhibiting a spartan 'JUST GET OVER IT" attitude towards people with Aspergers.

Can you recommend some of those books? I'm very new to this board, as an NT who's just learned that my partner of six years is AS, and am trying to learn more about this aspect of his personality. I can't tell you how many times he's freaked out and shut me down when I try to participate in a conversation – which he experiences as me "interrupting" him before he's reached the absolute end of what he's trying to explain to me – which at times can take as many as 2-3 hours (literally) of nonstop talking. I really appreciate what you've written in this post ... it's good to know it might be possible for him to learn a new way of interacting with me. Seeing his behavior through the lens of AS makes it a little more understandable, but it's still depressing and isolating for me to be held hostage to these marathon lectures until HE feels satisfied that he's finally exhausted the topic. He often says he wants to be more social, invite people over, etc. – but I know he's self-conscious about his social skills. It's only with me, when we're safe at home, that he lets it all loose. So I know he's capable of reeling it in, when he wants to. Anyway ... thanks for the post. And please do give a few book titles, if you can. Thank you.

Sorry I know this is from ages ago but just had to say this is wrong, body movements are the only reliable way of telling how someone else is feeling as most of them are not consciously controlled in the way words are. Have you ever got a straight answer from an NT by just asking?

Here's a thread I started with an online non-verbal dictionary and some info on books.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt107062.html

Well as an Aspie I can safely say I show "blank face" even when happy and I avert eyes when not lying/not guilty of anything, so in my case you can't read me at all. This debunks your theory.

P.S.: Also - shy NT's avert their eyes even when not lying/hiding guilt. You HAVE to have a baseline for reading the person first, just as it has been proven that certain people have learned how to fool a lie detector by modifying the resistance in the machine by wearing a wet nickel in their shoes (or some sociopaths can lie convincingly with no guilt feelings).