Are AS more careful about "Mr/Ms Wrong" than NT?

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I have to wonder, especially with all the divorces out there, whether Neurotypicals are more willing to be less careful about compatibility issues when engaging in relationships. Whether or not this ever leads to marriage, you know the stories. So-and-so meets person. So-and-so dates that person for a period of time. Over said period of time, potentially dealbreaking issues pop up that are sometimes glossed over....until they've been married for a couple of years and then BAM, divorce. Citing, more often than not, "Irreconcilable differences".

I have to wonder, if they were more careful (and I think this may be a factor in why a lot of AS people don't even have relationships; they are too wary of the incompatibilities on top of everything else), would there be less breakups like that? I'm not saying it would fix the problem entirely...but surely some people rush into things too quickly? Or don't find the 'dealbreakers' until it is too late?

I don't know. But I can tell you that I seem to (frequently) be able to get along just fine in a relationship with women that other men find "intolerable" for whatever reason.

Guy: "Dude, you're dating her? I didn't last a week. She's mental!"
Me: "No she's not. She's acting like this because of this and this and that. Just don't be an idiot and start doing those things or putting her in those situations and she's fine. You have your own issues too, you know. Like <pushes one of Guy's buttons>"
Guy: "GAH! Don't bring that up!" <runs off>
[ENTER (not really "MENTAL") GIRL]
Girl: Why is your friend running off? You know, I dated him once. He's mental.
Me: I know, baby, we all are. We all are.

<fin>

I recall that the divorce rate among married couples is reportedly higher with at least person diagnosed with AS than the divorce rate where neither party was diagnosed.

I think there are people out there who marry because they want to get married, and they marry the first person who is interested in them that have a good enough job, family or whatever they are looking for. These people marry for the wrong reasons and then they can't stick it out because they aren't really committed to the person they are married to.

I also think that marriage is constant work and people don't realize that. You never get everything you want, and you always have to meet in the middle. Life isn't about YOU anymore, you have to think about your partner. It's hard, and people experience that and think that the grass will be greener with someone else. Interestingly, statics do show that second marriages are more likely to fail because people look for what is opposite from what they are divorced from rather than looking at themselves to see where they themselves contributed to the failure. With divorce not taboo anymore people are more willing to try someone new than to work hard with who they have.

I guess in a way people are really not careful who they marry. I don't know if that is NT or just everyone. It's sad, especially for the children involved. The "blended family" is almost the norm.

MommyJones wrote:

I think you are absolutely right. Particularly people who think a different partner will fix what is essentially inside themselves.

I don't know about AS people, but I do think that NT people are superficial and make poor decisions when it comes to dating. I think that some of this is because of a lack of maturity in certain areas, ignorance, and a lack of knowledge and insight into themselves. This is a lot of the reason why there is a 60% divorce rate in the U.S....people aren't with the right ones, and end up getting together for the wrong reasons.

I was very socially clueless and would passively accept almost anyone's advances--most of the time not understanding their intentions--and end up in a relationship with them. Now I am more experienced I have no opportunities for forming relationships anyway.

this is why i never leave the tree, im in the tree thinking about all the steps involved into getting outside where the other squirrls are playing in the grass

Judging by some of the posts I've seen here, I think AS are no better than NT as a whole in picking the right person or not picking the wrong person. If anything, it would seem that the emotionally starved/affection starved AS is more likely to attract a user or fall for "any port in a storm" than many NT's.

Those who exude desperation (as many here do) are bound to repel many of those who would be the best for us, and attract those who are the worst for us.

Your right, desperate people will attract users and unhealthy people. For me, I am usually pretty choosy who I associate with, but sometimes desperation got the best of me, and I would basically take whatever I could get. This wasn't because I didn't know any better, but because I didn't think I had any other options at the time. My way of thinking was, either put up with their crap, or be alone. I am starting to change this now, and it's getting better.

Oh the irony. But this is undoubtedly true.

Being overanalytical about woman that i meet tends to ruin things for me.

I don't think it has anything to do with NT/AS brain types. I think that those aspies that know themselves will find mates that are more bold and direct. There's not much to wonder about when someone is forthcoming and someone who won't take advantage because of the aspie's tendency to take things literally, hence be naive.

Apart from AS and NT, I find that the most difficult people to be with are those who live their lives according to principle, rather than proof. Aside from instincts, we are basically taught what to desire. And in this respect, what to desire about love. For those who live by principles, they will have some construct of what love is. This is usually from what they have observed in their lives, but most probably from tv and movies. Movies teach what to desire, and in romantic movies, this construct may factor into their ideals of love.

After life rolls around, what they experience in marriage is not portrayed in the movies or tv. Hence there is no immediate answer or solution. Now faced with a decision between destroying their principle of love and rebuild from reality, or reject the relationship and preserve the principle. I summarize this as the killing of one's ego.

Of course, there are people who are principled, but have been raised in good families that teach about love and marriages. I find these types rare because we basically grew up with tv as babysitters.

The other type are the proof based types who likes to deal with reality and have enough experiences to deal with problems, mainly relying on their own minds.

Also, aspies focus on details more than NTs, and this might play into the selection criteria.


There are 2 great tests I've come across so far:

1. their perfect mate test - if this list is long and 'cloud 9', I immediately look elsewhere. If the answer is 'it depends' or 'I don't know, I have to try it' then those are good marks
2. the empathy test - I heard this on the radio once, but a woman kept a stopwatch to see how long into the conversation it would take for that person to ask about her. The least amount of time it best.

I don't know about the rest of them but I know that I am very careful and very hesitant to trust anyone. I am not willing to take any chances. I'd have to know the person very well and be 100 percent sure they fit my criteria.

Actually this seems a fairly accurate theory but I do speak based on personal experience as I spent three years with a "user/isolator". Basically anything we did do (social activities, having sex, etc.) was totally ar his whims and other than that we mostly spent friday nights in at his house(with the exception of the weekend I had my wisodm teeth out), he never came to my place and actually in term of social things, I remember(because he raced go-karts), the was one year I knew it was coming close to his banquet and I kept saying so-and-so let me know when your banquet is I'd like to go with you nad needless to say I was over at his place the night following and found out, while I was having a cup of tea with his mother and sister, that he(and his entire family) had been at his banquet the night before, via overhearing discussing the drama that had gone on with the sister's partner at he thing. This pissed me off as the last time I'd asked him about two weeks prior he had said he wouldn't even be going that year. Don't even let me get into the jerk I piggybacked that guy with because needless to say he is Aspie and he was an even bigger ass, major superiority complex nad at one point he accussed me of cheating because I lied to him about smoking/not smoking. Though with the second one(the aspie) I should've known it was a bad match when every time some sort of "drama", for lacking better expression, occured he would make some comment about how he was so lucky to be with/doesn't deserve me, that's not what should have been my tipoff though, it was my consistent response of how I was the one who's lucky to be with/didn't deserve him. In one way I was right though I didn't deserve the way he criticized and lorded his intelligence over me. So in short it is accurate to say it doesn't make a difference in whether one is NT or aspie, with the exception that, an aspie is more likely to get into a bad realtionship because many(including myself) aren't looking for mr. or ms. right but moreso the concept of mr. or ms. right and, in turn, psychological and emotional sustainance from the wrong types of people.

I generally don't even try to date someone unless I'm absolutely enamored by them, and I don't mean just their looks. If we share a plethora of interests that are rare (such as my interest in conspiracies and alternative history) or both adore some of the same obscure bands and films then I'm interested. She may not be super hot, but she's super awesome, and that's what counts. I wouldn't trade someone like that for a chance with anyone more physically attractive. In other words, I don't seek out shiny and pretty; I look for the one who is just as cerebral as I am. I don't know if that's being "careful", but it's definitely the manner in which I am particular.