The real problem for us aspies on the dating scene

Post Reply New Topic

Well the title states simply what im about to say. I think I found the problem most of us Aspies have while on the dating scene.

WE OVER-THINK/OVERSYSTEMIZE EVERYTHING!! !

how ive come across this? just compiling alot of different posts, as well as analyzing them for what I feel is our commonly shared flaw when it comes to ANYTHING social. I have yet to apply it, as it is just a theory of mine. Just a few point though that sum this up, since I feel like keeping it short and simple....

1)By overthinking our own and our potential partner's gestures and speech patterns, we can easily convolute the entire message being sent/recieved.

2)By taking time to deliberate on even the smallest of actions (such as to what joke to tell), we are in essence holding ourselves back. In relation to jokes, this isnt "dating related", but it is still a good sample nonetheless. I play Dungeons and dragons with a fairly large group of friends (approx 9 people, but we havent gotten together in a long while (2 months time)). Well lets just say, If I try to be funny on purpose, its not funny at all. Now if I just pull jokes, snark, and deadpan all on a whim, all on the spur of the moment, without thinking, alot of people tend to classify the results as a comedic goldmine. And it is something I am steadily getting better at, probably since Ive been outgrowing some of the standard aspergian social limitations to a degree. This in turn could in fact apply to other aspies.

In essence, I am gonna ask yas to try something, just to test this. Try to not focus on the thoughts, but just simply act. It might help It might not, but I need other people to try It to test out my theory.

Personally, I know that this is an issue with interacting with NT's. I think a lot of aspies would agree as well. The problem comes in that I have very little in the way of gut feelings or instinct (I can't speak for others on this though). What little I have, I don't trust, as that's what's gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years...

I would probably over think a gesture or conversation as well. Plus, I find it hard to not talk about science and technology. Plus, it would be hard to go on most types of dates. I could not go to concerts, crowded restuarants and amusement parks due to all the stimuli.

It is hard to find a partner that is that understanding. Even though I am only eighteen, a relationship would probably be too inconvenient for me.

I agree with you fundamentally but the problem is that really there's no way to shake the "over-thinking" thing. You can only "improve" if you adapt to it and make it work that way.

well, you can slowly "ease" yourself into acting a bit more on impulse/instinct, as long as you are still able to control it if need be. The part detailing humor was just an example. I will say though I am lucky that I dont really have issues with crowds, as long as I dont screw up and make myself look stupid.

another example of the overthinking gone bad would be the one time a woman I liked back in highschool asked me to go to prom with her. I chocked, and through choking came up with excuses why. The excuses were that I had no money or transportation. But because I overthunk and said that, I ignored the fact that she acknowledged those problems and offered to pay for me, and that she would have dealt with transportation.

I could get a date if I really wanted one. I just happen to have a rather low opinion of women in my age group. And men for that matter too, but this is the dating section. There are three women I could have slept with, but I chose not to. You know why some guys can't get a date? Because they can't look at it from her point of view. If you don't understand that, think of it this way. If 90% of guys died tomorrow, imagine what the world would be like. The law of scarcity would go into effect. So women would be asking men out. If 10 girls walked up to you and asked you out, and 9 of them looked down at their feet when asking, wouldn't you want to choose the one who looked you straight in the eye and didn't stutter? If you still don't understand that, remember that humans are not seperate from nature. We are still animals. And with animals, females want to choose males that would make good fathers. In nature, nice animals finish last, because they can't find food. And if you still don't understand that, think of dating as a business. You are competing for her business. The best businessmen aren't nice guys. You think Donald Trump got to where he was by being nice? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that on a date, you might end up naked at the end of it. So hopefully that helps.

I donno, some of those shy ones can be really cute