Still having trouble dealing with it

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Before you read this, make sure you're not anti-gay, anti-Wicca, or anti-polygamy (if it's done right). I don't want hateful comments.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years now. Recently, we met another girl through my Asperger's class and we thought she was nice. She called us her best friends. Even though we had crushes on her, we would have been fine being friends, but one day while she was over she decided to initiate a relationship with us. She said, "We should be a triple." We were happy because we'd had crushes on her and she said she'd had crushes on us. We held and eventually she kissed my girlfriend (she knew I had trouble kissing because of my sensory problems) and gave me small kisses. I would never have let her kiss my girlfriend unless I had really trusted her and cared about her. We decided to keep our relationship secret because we didn't want teachers or parents who didn't understand to break it up.

We dated for about a week, and my girlfriend and I tried not to love her because we wanted to make sure she wouldn't break our hearts, but eventually we did. A few days after that, she decided that she didn't want a "sexual relationship" as she called it with us because it was "against her beliefs". We tried to explain to her that it wasn't about sex, that it was about love, but she didn't understand. Then, she changed her reason for leaving us and said she wasn't ready for a "sexual relationship". We hadn't even had sex with her! We tried to explain it to her, but she still didn't understand. She also decided to tell a bunch of teachers who didn't understand gay or polygamous relationships at all. She told them that we had called her "stupid" for not staying with us, and of course they believed her.

She told me that she wanted to be my best friend. I wanted to be as close with her as possible, but I wasn't sure I could trust her or be around her without throwing up. Then, she told me she was asexual. I said that just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they don't have the capacity to love, but she didn't seem to understand and said she didn't want to be in a "strange sexless marriage". She didn't even know what love was! That hurt me a lot.

My girlfriend felt terrible also. She was so different. I don't think I can forgive her for hurting my girlfriend that much. Eventually, she was able to feel better, though. Our beliefs are pretty much Wiccan, and she was able to understand. Basically, she said that the girl wasn't very connected with her soul and that maybe we could see her after she was done being reborn. That only made me want to help her, though.

Recently, that girl asked someone else out. It hurt me so much because it couldn't have been more than a month after she tore our hearts out. I told her not to break that person's heart, and that if she did she shouldn't be in any relationships anymore, but she said she had learned her lesson. I'm not convinced, though. If she had, she would be a lot more careful and she would have been nicer.

I want to help her, and I don't want her to do what she did to us to anyone else. Most of all, though, I want to move on. I'm trying, but it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions for feeling better?

Whenever any polycule I was in split in someway, I just concentrated on my other partner and my friends. I know it's a crappy situation but it sounds like she wasn't ready for poly at all or was influenced by her 'social' conscience maybe. Either way, it sounds like you're bettr off without her. Be glad you have a stable and loving relationship with your girlfriend still. In my exprience, when one relationship breaks down, it tends to destabilize the others somewhat.

I hope one day that you and your girl find the right person to share your love with though.

I'm assuming your primary gf is also around your age, so I'm assuming you're both a little inexperienced. Dan Savage's column actually has a lot of good information about polyamorous relationships - I think he's even mentioned a book that does a pretty good job of setting down the ground rules for participants in poly relationships. I think it might be worth a look through his column archives for helpful info:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Sava ... id=2983744

As far as the young lady involved, as hard as it is going to be, please try to let her go. She sounds very immature (which she may well be), and unsure of what she wants or needs. You won't be able to counsel her to do better in her next relationship...she doesn't seem willing, or perhaps capable, of accepting your advice. However, that doesn't stop you (and your gf) from learning from your relationship with her. I'm sure there are good lessons for you, hon - but focus on what you'll do differently next time around (what you can control), and not on her rehabilitation (what you can't control). Good luck.

Thanks. I'll try to concentrate on my girlfriend. It just breaks my heart to see that she thinks she cares about someone else now. I don't have anything against her new girlfriend, but she basically told me she wasn't ready for a relationship and then went and started a new relationship. I think she might have actually left us for this new person. I'll use this place for venting, but I'll try to not think about her and concentrate on my girlfriend. She was nice yesterday; I was having a meltdown because I was really really hungry and she made me some food when I couldn't.