jekyll and hyde

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I'm trying to figure things out with my ex-gf... she keeps switching between proclaiming her undying love for me and not wanting anything to do with me. I've named the different phases jekyll and hyde, since she seemingly changes at random on a whim, with no external stimulus to cause it. This has basically defined our entire relationship and the time after it (it was during the 3rd of the so-called "hyde" phases that she broke up with me)

I keep getting the feeling that a lot of it is somehow my fault... I'm certainly not making it easy for her since I'm putting out a lot of desperate vibes (since she's the only person outside of my family that has ever loved me in any capacity, and I'm worried I'll never find another woman ever again).

I know she's not bipolar, but on the other hand I know aspie traits run in her family, so who knows?

Is this the 17 year old? If so, are you that desperate?

yes, this is the 17 year old. And yes, I'm that desperate. Because nobody outside my family has ever shown me any level of love or affection before, and I'm worried that if I let this go, I'll never be able to find love again...

Well....it could be that she's 17, and not very mature yet. Could be "cyclical" - as in her mood may change significantly depending on where she is in her cycle. Could be she's gotten a taste of power (over you), and is having a little fun testing her limits. She could be bi-polar, or maybe just a drama queen.

Or it could be that she's just the kind of person who enjoys stirring the pot (she'll support the opposite of the status quo). It's very hard to know, Toad. I suggest having a chat with the young lady.

the changes are happening too quickly and erratically to be anything on a monthly basis. Although I'm not ruling out hormones just yet, I don't think it's the primary cause.

I don't think it's a power thing because I've known her for a long time before that, and she never once exhibited any kind of power display at all.

And I've talked with her. A lot. It seems all we ever do is talk. Personally, I'm fine with just talking, if it means I don't have to be alone forever.

Okay....from your perspective, is the goal of all these conversations re-starting the relationship? For example, when you talk, are you talking about the relationship? Are you talking about her feelings for you, what went wrong, if she'd like to try again? Because if that's the case, I think you need to take a step back, Toad. As I recall, she was initially interested in pursuing a relationship, but broke up with you after a fairly short time. It doesn't sound to me like she's had the time - or the distance - to figure out how she feels about you (with any sort of finality). You've got to give her the time and the distance to figure it out, Toad....there's just no substitute for that.

no we don't talk about restarting a relationship. But we do talk about our feelings for each other. My feelings for her are unchanged since I fell in love with her originally, and whenever she is in her good mode, she generally reciprocates. I've decided that feeling her love is more important to me than any relationship, especially given what feeling loved for the first time in my life has done for me (I've never felt so alive before)...

Are you sure? Hearing the names 'Jekyll and Hyde' in combination with 'bipolar' in the same discussion is something that is anything but new to me. If you browse forums and online discussions for family members of, or people in relationships with, individuals that have bipolar 1 and 2, cyclothymia, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder, you'll probably see those names quite a lot. Having ASD traits in the family is also pretty typical, from what I know.

If you're friends with a bipolar or someone with borderline, one thing you can never expect is stability and it's not age related--though it can fluctuate in severity for better or worse throughout anyone's life and is often especially bad during adolescence.

Your story sounds familiar to me personally, too. A handful of people in my family are bipolar -- type 1, 2 and 3 (cyclothymic), and everyone is near genius level intelligence, has ASD traits, and is a total whackjob that is either too aggressive or too erratic to hold down stable relationships, even within the family. I got 'lucky' with ADHD and some ASD traits, but I know from first hand experience (especially as a woman) how hard it is to handle the pendulous mood swings, poor self esteem, hypersensitivities, and intense reactionary responses to input. Traumas result in PTSD and C-PTSD for me.

But I'm also involved with a young man who also suffers from a bipolar disorder and, due to his upbringing, has developed a mild case of borderline personality disorder, too. We share a deep, inexplicable connection, but instead of it being a peaceful, enlightening experience, it has tested every bit of strength I've had in me emotionally and physically. Some days are a battle, others are just peachy. Sometimes he 'loves' me, sometimes he doesn't. Black and white. Back and forth. What I can say, though, is he almost always wants to be with me more than he wants to run from me. I have little doubt of the strength of a bond between us, 'true love' or not.

Not that'd be a bad thing. I've relied entirely on my intuition with my bipolar guy, and it's helped me grow past some major flaws in my own behaviour as a result. More than anyone, being with him has taught me a lot about who I am, how I act, what the results of my actions are, and what I can do about it. It's also teaching me that I need to just go with the flow, stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and accept failures. With your young woman friend, you may never get into anything closer than what you have. I can say with 99% certainty that you're going to have the ride the waves with her if you want to be involved in her life at all. You have to hang on for a rollercoaster ride if any sort of intimacy is what you're trying for. And it's going to last a lifetime.

Also, she may have the manipulative potential inherent in bipolar/BPD (etc.) women. I will not downplay it because I'm extremely familiar with it. I don't directly blame the women at all because it's such a natural reaction for healthy women as it is, and the bipolar seems to magnify it to bloated proportions for some individuals. That's also true of men with it (as I'm all too aware), but most women are naturals with manipulative behaviours. And if I were your woman friend, I'd be well aware of how much you wanted me...an irresistible offer for someone whose ego may be suffering due to oversensitivies.

What I do see is a combination of two potentially unhealthy egos that may well result in your further depression and self loathing. I can wish you the best, but even the strongest people have a very difficult time with bipolar friends, family and partners. To embark on such an emotionally turbulent journey definitely takes a lot of personal self love and strength, and the ability to truly give you and her the one thing she can most likely never give you consistently -- real love.

Last edited by Orbyss on 30 Dec 2009, 6:14 am, edited 3 times in total.

If she isn't bi-polar, maybe she's BPD (borderline). Or maybe she's just a teenage drama queen. There differences aren't always easy to spot with just the amount of knowledge you provided.

Your ex reminds me of my latest girlfriend, who has all the characteristics of someone with BPD. Two of her brothers are in the spectrum. Coincidence? I doubt it.

Yes, I concur with the above -- sounds a lot like BPD.

One thing to note -- TOS, I know you're a young man (early 20s, right?), and I'm assuming your ex is around your age. Late teens to early 20s is about the time that mental illness starts to show in many folks, so this may be why her behavior is suddenly so out of whack or getting progressively worse.

My advice -- part ways and don't look back.

Okay, while I know she hasn't been diagnosed with anything, let's say for the sake of argument that she is an undiagnosed bipolar and/or borderline. That doesn't change the fact that she's the only woman outside my family that has ever loved me, even if only for short durations at a time. That further reinforces the idea that a woman has to be screwed up in some way to even consider me.

As it stands, moving on from this woman is easy, if only I had somewhere else to move on to...

Aspies men are not very compatible with neurotypical women. Therefore it's only logical you end up with a woman who's got some major issues herself.

I'm also more compatible with the "screwed up" kind of women. The only choice we have is to either deal with it or to train our social skills up to the point neurotypical women actually start noticing us...



Everything you learned from what you had with her can be useful in future relationships. Just figure out a way to get to meet more women than you do now. Sufficient exposure to eligable bachelorettes is at least as important as social skills.....

Even though I still love my ex a lot, I fear I have no other option....

But at the end of the day, are you setting yourself up for a miserable life? I know it sucks to be lonely, but you don't want to commit to someone who isn't dependable or reliable.

Btw, I was thinking of you last night -- saw this great Scientific American article on how people met the person they were married to, had a long-term relationship with, or had a short term relationship with. Nice pie charts from this study -- basically, a majority were introduced, but around 40-50% of all types of relationships are from people introducing themselves. So 50% of finding someone is meeting them yourself and making the effort, the rest comes from your social network.

Toad, a lot of people on here are too afraid to give it to you straight because they think they'll hurt your feelings. Do you realize that the problem with attracting emotionally unstable women, even if they have feelings for you, is that they can't be depended on? Much like yourself, they don't have control of their own lives, so how are they supposed to understand how they're feeling or not feeling about someone?

You seem to just want to show up to a job and say "hire me just because" without going through the interview process. It doesn't work that way. If you really want a girlfriend, you have to make those changes you're so reluctant to do...get on meds...lose that weight...feel better about yourself...and ironically, if you were to do this, your desperation for a girlfriend would probably disappear, and it would just be a bonus to have someone.

I realize I'm talking over your head because you have a negative response for everything, but it's up to you. Do you want to be the black sheep of the board (even if other people are afraid to say it) and whine or do you want to be on here later on this year and say "I'm medicated, I lost some weight, and I don't need a girlfriend, and now I'm attracting people since I'm not dependent."

It's personally painful to read your posts. It's like a broken record and your avatar, whoever it is on it, is really fitting because he looks like he's whining.

That's actually one of the big things i'm afraid of. If having a girlfriend becomes "just a nice thing to have", I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to treat one right... because I just wouldn't care. Yeah, I spend a lot of my free time on the computer, but in the end of the day, it's just another nice thing to have... and to be honest, I abuse the thing like a punching bag...