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Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends.

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Northeastern292
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14 Feb 2010, 2:02 pm

therange wrote:
When you're a relatively happy person, you don't dependent on a significant other. I would LIKE to have someone that I feel strongly about, but I don't need it. It seems a lot of the guys on here just want a mother figure to love them unconditionally, and in Tim's case, also do dirty things with him. That isn't a relationship, that's co-dependency.


Well, I can't help but falling for someone who reminds me of my mom. She's a respectable person, very level-headed, a college grad, not tacky, all things I value in the opposite sex.



Sound
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14 Feb 2010, 2:28 pm

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ToadOfSteel
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14 Feb 2010, 2:38 pm

therange wrote:
When you're a relatively happy person, you don't dependent on a significant other. I would LIKE to have someone that I feel strongly about, but I don't need it. It seems a lot of the guys on here just want a mother figure to love them unconditionally, and in Tim's case, also do dirty things with him. That isn't a relationship, that's co-dependency.


You keep bringing up how two people unconditionally loving each other is co-dependency. If that's the case, then what is a relationship?



Sound
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14 Feb 2010, 3:01 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
You keep bringing up how two people unconditionally loving each other is co-dependency. If that's the case, then what is a relationship?
therange never said that, nor implied it. Apparently the problem is that you can't seem to divorce the ideas of love and over-dependence. One does not necessitate the other.



Northeastern292
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14 Feb 2010, 3:15 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:
therange wrote:
When you're a relatively happy person, you don't dependent on a significant other. I would LIKE to have someone that I feel strongly about, but I don't need it. It seems a lot of the guys on here just want a mother figure to love them unconditionally, and in Tim's case, also do dirty things with him. That isn't a relationship, that's co-dependency.


Well, I can't help but falling for someone who reminds me of my mom. She's a respectable person, very level-headed, a college grad, not tacky, all things I value in the opposite sex.


Let me rephrase that: We all have some sort of Oedipus complex in us. It's keeping it in check that is important.



ToadOfSteel
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14 Feb 2010, 3:28 pm

Sound wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
You keep bringing up how two people unconditionally loving each other is co-dependency. If that's the case, then what is a relationship?
therange never said that, nor implied it. Apparently the problem is that you can't seem to divorce the ideas of love and over-dependence. One does not necessitate the other.


I don't see what's so bad about two people giving wholly of themselves to each other. Call it co-dependence if you like, but I for one cannot truly love someone unless I can completely trust and depend on her... I don't mean to say by "depending" that I need to use said person for total emotional support, but knowing that there is someone there for me when I do need it is the best feeling in the world. And, of course, I would return the favor if she required it of me.



Sound
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14 Feb 2010, 3:35 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:
Let me rephrase that: We all have some sort of Oedipus complex in us. It's keeping it in check that is important.

I know, I know, you're right, I'm just flippin ya some s**t, I was bein mean, sorry. ><



Sound
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14 Feb 2010, 3:45 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
I don't see what's so bad about two people giving wholly of themselves to each other. Call it co-dependence if you like, but I for one cannot truly love someone unless I can completely trust and depend on her... I don't mean to say by "depending" that I need to use said person for total emotional support, but knowing that there is someone there for me when I do need it is the best feeling in the world. And, of course, I would return the favor if she required it of me.

Well, now we're in murky territory, related to one's definition of love, or 'weighing' kinds of love. Arguing in that realm is just not too useful, no matter how strongly we may feel.

However, this does not change the fact that a person is more prone to finding a solid relationship when they are healthy. And that relationships are more resistant to breakdown when both individuals are emotionally healthy. And that when kids come along, their livelihoods and futures will be far better with a healthy relationship between their parents(I'm still quite irritated with my own parents, on this front).



ToadOfSteel
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14 Feb 2010, 3:54 pm

Sound wrote:
Well, now we're in murky territory, related to one's definition of love, or 'weighing' kinds of love. Arguing in that realm is just not too useful, no matter how strongly we may feel.
Yeah, I'm kinda figuring that out now...

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However, this does not change the fact that a person is more prone to finding a solid relationship when they are healthy. And that relationships are more resistant to breakdown when both individuals are emotionally healthy. And that when kids come along, their livelihoods and futures will be far better with a healthy relationship between their parents(I'm still quite irritated with my own parents, on this front).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating abandoning all self-improvement like some other people are (or even as I myself once did a few months back). I see the merit in self-improvement (as long as one doesn't get to self-centered in the process), but without external validation, any self-improvement I could do is kinda pointless...



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14 Feb 2010, 4:41 pm

See, that's what concerns me - Why is doing something for yourself a bad thing if it does not detriment another person?



Hector
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14 Feb 2010, 5:07 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:
Northeastern292 wrote:
therange wrote:
When you're a relatively happy person, you don't dependent on a significant other. I would LIKE to have someone that I feel strongly about, but I don't need it. It seems a lot of the guys on here just want a mother figure to love them unconditionally, and in Tim's case, also do dirty things with him. That isn't a relationship, that's co-dependency.


Well, I can't help but falling for someone who reminds me of my mom. She's a respectable person, very level-headed, a college grad, not tacky, all things I value in the opposite sex.


Let me rephrase that: We all have some sort of Oedipus complex in us. It's keeping it in check that is important.

I think you're just reading too much into the term "mother figure". therange is just referring to that as being someone who has to take care of you like a mother typically takes care of a child. You could have a mother who didn't care for you at all and still have a "mother figure".

Some women I find more attractive for showing some of my mother's good qualities, but this also applies to showing good qualities of my friends and those of other people I respect so I'm not sure I should call that oedipal.



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14 Feb 2010, 5:43 pm

Sound wrote:
See, that's what concerns me - Why is doing something for yourself a bad thing if it does not detriment another person?

Directly? nothing. But when you start to get used to only doing things to benefit yourself, you start slipping down the path to narcissism. I was fully narcissist when I was a kid, only caring about me, only liking something if I benefitted from it, getting violent if I lost at pretty much anything competitive, etc... And everyone downright hated me. I don't want to return to that way of living, ever again...



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14 Feb 2010, 5:55 pm

Doing things for one's own benefit, even with a constant basis, does not diminish the importance one already feels toward doing things for the benefit of others.
If you spent time focusing on yourself, it would not strip away your interest in the welfare of others. They are fully and utterly independent.

Those that focus on themselves, but care far less for others, would still not care for others if they cared about themselves less.

Boy you make this sound like The Dark Side of the Force or something.



therange
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14 Feb 2010, 6:01 pm

Toad, you just seem to want some woman, literally ANY woman, to come rescue you and give you a reason to live. That's very unattractive to women. They don't want a guy who just likes them because she's a member of the opposite sex that's being nice to him, they want a guy who actually has feelings for her as an individual.



ToadOfSteel
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14 Feb 2010, 7:45 pm

I guess it's a good thing that my brain is wired to specifically like women that like me, then...



therange
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14 Feb 2010, 8:00 pm

Toad, what is it exactly that a girlfriend would provide in your life besides your aforementioned "I wouldn't be alone" theory? It seems you just want a girlfriend because other guys have one.