Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends.
Aside from not having to be alone? hmm... the other big thing that I want in a relationship is the affection. Nothing makes me feel happier than feeling physical closeness with a woman. It doesn't have to be anything sexual (although it could theoretically come to that, it's not by any means required).
As an aside, I'd posit that recurring, physical, but non-intimate affection with a woman you're infatuated with who feels quite platonic towards you is one of the worst things ever.
It's also known as being a 'cuddle b***h,' and although it sounds nice when you've got no girlfriend... well... it ain't nice.
So careful, before you claim it needn't involve intimacy. If that were true, then one's grandma would be just as well.
What if it was intimate (i.e. closer than you'd let someone in your family get) but not outright sexual? My ex was the kind of woman that wasn't really ready for sex, but wanted a romantic relationship. And on top of that, the women I seem to be attracted to tend to be more the "wait for marriage" types, or other similar things.
I'm not saying i'm asexual, but I don't see sex as an end in and of itself, merely something that just adds to an existing relationship. I'm not a "wait for marriage" person myself, but I would prefer to wait until a relationship has progressed a sufficient amount before jumping in the sack. Also, if I end up with a woman that wants to wait for marriage, I would be fine with such an expectation...
I wasn't clear enough, I suppose; When I say intimate, I mean it as a politically correct way of saying sex, more-or-less. Intimacy is colloquially understood as sexuality, as a common reference. While it could mean other things, that's not generally how it's used or understood in this context.
Ahh, but you have hit on a quite fair point, that of expectations. It very much depends on the culture you and the other person subscribe to. If there is truly, honestly, not-lying-to-yourself, zero expectation(or hope) of sex, then what I was talking about above (which is mildly off-topic) is not applicable.
Nearly all the time, however, this is not the case, as humans are generally exceedingly sexual on a subtle, subconscious level, and the expectation is traditionally there except in the most puritanical communities nowadays. Although, I can understand why it would be difficult to realize or buy into how pervasive it is, if one was generally inexperienced and held a TV-romanticized ideal of relationships and sex. Maybe it's just impossible to see the matrix till you take the red pill.
Toad, your opinions are based on speculation, not experience. You have no idea whether you'll like sex or not. You also go on and on about relationships based on dating a 17 year old for a month, a girl you didn't even kiss. I hate to say it, but you're going to have to climb out of your safety net (your church social life) and get burnt by a real woman to gain some perspective. But you won't, you'll just keep posting on love and dating and saying the same things over and over again.
Last edited by therange on 15 Feb 2010, 2:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It looks like you and I have been on this board for about the same amount of time. He's been on here for years, according to other posters, saying the same things over and over again. I understand this place is his venting ground. While some people go to a therapist, he comes here. But to a lot of us, it just ruins an otherwise great board where people have great discussions.
I don't know if you have, but if you haven't, imagine making a post that has nothing to do with Toad, and him hijacking the thread and responding to everyone to get attention for himself. I don't mean this as an attack or insult, but if he acted that way in a relationship, the relationship he says he desperately wants, the girl would run for her life.
I've given him pertinent advice many times, and he just ignores it and says I'm wrong and all the other posters are wrong. I feel bad that he hasn't gotten the help he needs, but its his decision in the end to be miserable.
Going about it without feeling any needs? Seriously? What do you think most common friendships or romances are made of? I for one don't try very hard for any friendship or relationship, because I don't need you. Too needy, then yeah I would agree.
I'm with you on the "what are you going to get out of it" thing, though. (If you are not trying to get after any person in particular) Yeah, what exactly is a person going to solve by getting a companion. You have one? Now what?
Sorry, but no one in their sane mind is going to morph themselves into another person entirely, over one tip.
Last edited by LiendaBalla on 15 Feb 2010, 3:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I don't know if you have, but if you haven't, imagine making a post that has nothing to do with Toad, and him hijacking the thread and responding to everyone to get attention for himself. I don't mean this as an attack or insult, but if he acted that way in a relationship, the relationship he says he desperately wants, the girl would run for her life.
I've given him pertinent advice many times, and he just ignores it and says I'm wrong and all the other posters are wrong. I feel bad that he hasn't gotten the help he needs, but its his decision in the end to be miserable.
Maybe he can't afford a therapist?
I really dont know enough of the situation to have a say. It just seemed people were really ganging up on him. I can understand hijacking a thread probably isn't a very nice thing to do.
I hate not being able to do anything to help. :/
I wish I could get treatment. I don't think I'm suicidal, but I've felt like I might as well die before.
I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. Toad better not, either!
What I'm saying is, all of the guys on here who complain about not having a girlfriend are breaking the number one dating rule...neediness. Women will sense that you'll do anything to impress or keep her, and she'll be scared off and leave. So basically, you're just wasting time thinking about getting a girlfriend. You can take the route some guys take on here and get an internet girlfriend and maybe meet up with her...if she doesn't live close, take a plane or train and meet her and maybe she'll like you for your current depressed self, but really, women want guys who are interesting and aren't negative and have a bad opinion of the opposite sex. Women want guys who can carry a conversation and have interests other than video games and science fiction.
My point being that you're wasting precious time hating the opposite sex and the world instead of improving your life.
What I read when I see this:
"You AS guys are losers and no one gives a sh** about you. Just accept that other guys will have all sorts of girls while you can't have one."
We AS guys only have one life and want to know what it's all about too. Isn't there supposed to be "someone for everyone?" And why do girls like only one type of guy? I am hurt when people tell me to accept being alone and that I am a loser who isn't interesting. The more social interaction us aspies get, the better we can be at it, you can't just expect us to wallow around in ineptitude all of our lives. So screw you, I'm still human, and I still want a girl.
And about the neediness thing, here's a story: Guy A waits for the right girl to come along, years later she doesn't and he's completely inexperienced. Guy B has sex with 6 girls by the time he's 18. Who do you think will be the needy one? Who will the girls go with? You can't tell us to accept that we will be alone forever, that's wrong.
There is not someone for everyone. Quite simply, life just isn't fair and not everyone gets what they deserve, the good or the bad. But that does not mean that you are doomed for failure or that you should just give up. If it is something that is truly important to you, then just don't give up searching for that right girl/guy. The person that you end up with may not seem like the perfect one at first, but you may surprise each other and discover that you are perfect for each other in ways that you didn't know you should look for. I wish you luck with trying to find that.
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