AS/AS relationships aren't exactly easy either

Post Reply New Topic

I recently got back with my Aspie ex-girlfriend from about a year ago. In our last on-off relationship, we argued a lot about pretty much everything. However, we still had a lot of feelings for each other, and in the whole year after we'd broken up we still missed each other.

So, when we got back we tried to sort the problems out, but after just three weeks we realised we had started arguing all the time. Again.

We've both agkowledged that and decided it's best we break up, because it's inevitible anyway and it'll hurt less if we do it now.

It's a massive shame because we always seemed to have a sort of connection. She's the only girl I've really loved.

That sucks. My ex's and I argued a lot too. One was AS and the other had traits.

me and my boyfriend (he also has aspergers) break up every other week due to aruments and misscomunication. I think it creates a whole new set of problems haveing both partners have AS as both partners lack flexibility, lack empathy and only see their own point of view. It makes it quite difficult, but we understand each other more than we understand other people and feel lots of love for each other.

i am curious as to the nature of your arguments- were they about conduct [behavior, actions] issues or philosophical [opinions, individual preferences] issues? for the latter, why can't one just agree to disagree? for the former, there isn't much that can be done unless one partner or the other or both, come to some sort of mutual accomodation, as one-sided fixes seldom are without hard feelings of some sort.
____________________________________________________________________
just my 2-cents' worth, adjusted for inflation

How often is 'arguing all the time'? Could you maybe give some examples of the sort of things you argue about? (don't worry if you think they are trivial now)

It always comes down to the two people involved. You can have toxic relationships with NTs and AS. The dx isn't the common denominator.

Have you considered joint counselling? That could be beneficial for both of you to learn how to fight fair and how to communicate more easily with each other.

OP, If you really do love each other, why not take @CelticGoddess' advice and try counseling together? Even if you can't save this relationship, the counseling will very likely help you in your next relationship.

That is why the next time I think to get into a relationship, I am going to strictly date NTs for the most part.

but dont you get it? Its not about someones diagnosis but about whether you are suited to each other and that is not dependant on whether thay have AS or NT. Its like saying 'if I date blondes only, then the relationship will be great', when its not a factor which makes a difference. Compatability of character and values is more salient than diagnosis.

I would like to add that even though you have only felt love for this one person, there are others you will or may meet that you can experience love with also, maybe even more love. Love is not a rare emotion in a human being's life, what is rare is the ability to take responsibility over ones internal MESS, instead of projecting it outwards onto the one you are close to.

A relation with love will always establish itself if two people, or one human being and one animal for that sake, get close enough to each other. To get close enough, one have to let go of fear that is blocking the trust. You can feel your love for anyone, as long as you dare/find reason to trust the one you want to love, and that being also find reason to trust you. A cliché is two strangers living through an accident with each others, on equal grounds. Such a trauma gives reason to the two to blast through the fear of trust, and love is felt. As long as two people meet on some kind of equal ground, and trust establishes itself, love will "happen". Love can thus manifest as a friendship or a romantic relationship, or some other kind of relationship. Two enemies that give a lot of negative attention towards each other, on school, workplace or in another setting, is two people meeting each others on equal ground, but not yet dare to trust each others. As soon as such "enemies" choose to trust each others, they may get really close to each other fast and feel some kind of love.

What is the problem for both NT's and AS's, what is the problem for almost every human being on this planet today, is the ability to establish inner and outer peace, or harmony if you will. As I pointed out, Love is NOT the issue. Love is always waiting and always manifesting. But when two beings get close to each others, they start to project the inner turmoil onto each others, and this MESS is like black clouds blocking the important connection, the trust connection. When two lovers argue with each others, fighting, they hardly notice their trust in each others. But when the dust falls and everything is quiet again, because of ex. exhaustion, the trust gets noticed again and they have makeup sex...

You will ALWAYS will have troubles in close relationships, no matter if you meet your long lost twin flame, soul mate or the perfect man/woman, if you have inner turmoil. Which most humans get born with/into.
As long as you haven't cleaned up your low self esteem, your anger and irritation on yourself for not behaving like or doing what you know you should/can/want, your depression, your frustration over life,, etc etc (we could go on forever ) your NOT going to experience the kind of harmony in the relationship as your seek. Because love is not the harmonizer we want it to be.

Realizing that everything you argue with the other person about, is actually you arguing with yourself, is a good start. You are accusing yourself, through the other person, of all you do that doesn't please you or make you dissatisfied. That's why the problems reappear every time you get close to someone. Recognize that.

Next step is to find your way of cleaning up your inner turmoil.
I can close this post with saying: This is where most spiritual/seeking people is stuck today

Elemental school should be about learning to master our emotions and our thoughts. Is should teach us that we see ourselves in everything we experience in our outer life, including people, animals, nature, science, etc.
But we don't.

I want to close with saying that AS is NOT about the negative "side-effects" we experience through our lives. Everyone has our kind of negative life experiences and reactions, but not necessarily as enhanced, pronounced and obvious as we experience it (and others through us).
AS is about another neurological makeup, which many AS's and NT's agree upon. This crashes with the established NT world, and creates a lot stress in our system. If it was the other way around, a few NT's living in a world of AS, they would experience at least equal amounts of stress and negative "side-effects".
Don't underestimate the word stress. Stress on the neurological level causes the brain to malfunction, causes dis-ease in our body, negative thoughts and causes negative emotions. Which in turn causes arguments, fights and OUTER turmoil in our life. Enough stress will kill anyone, or make them take their own life.

I believe the solution to happy relationships is identifying what causes stress, reverse the cause and create the opposite effect: Harmony.

But for some ironically reason, we human beings (me included) resist the process of creating harmony in our life. I/We resist it until the stress is unbearable to me/us.

So the question is: Have you had enough mess in your life?

if you answer yes, and don't do anything about it, you answered wrong. your yes is then your hope, which isn't worth much in context.
you'll need more mess before your ready, and no amount of talking will help until that point. Everyday life is the ultimate mentor, it bites until you had enough and choose right.

Kudos to you if you read all this

Agreed. you can have good relationships or bad ones whether you date AS or NT. So many factors are at play, compatiblity is only one of them.

Me and her just don't seem to get along TBH. We're still friends now and it's a bit awkward at the moment but I think it'll be fine, because when we just casually chat there's rarely any problems.

The arguments we had were either completely trivial, or about things we did that bothered each other, which most of the time were also very trivial. I don't really feel like going into detail, but it was stupid little things, and even though I did try and just agree to disagree on all of it we still ended up arguing.

It's just about whether the two people get along really. I have a friend who's Aspie and and I've known her for over a year, and we have never had a proper argument ever, even though we talk to each other all day every day over e-mail.

I'll just hope for the best in the future, but since our relationship only lasted a few weeks and we ended on good terms while agreeing to still be friends this time, I'm getting over her fairly easily compared to last time.

I've been in two relationships with another person who had AS. They were quite polar opposites reallly. One was the longest and most succesful relationship I have had. The other was rather short passionate full of rage and emotions left both parties rather hurt afterwards, but I think we were both young, naieve of how AS effected us emotionally and I don't think we really listened to each other properly in reflection.

I don't think I can ever really form a successful long term relationship with someone who is "NT" or whatever you want to call normality. My thought patterns the level and intensity to which I am in constant thought and the kind of things I think about seem to be difficult for your average person to understand. Sometimes the way I think seems to cause real difficulty for others trying to understand and it leaves me feeling bad that the way I am affected people I was in a relationship with in this way. I think I need to have someone who at least can read or understand the perspective I am coming from the way I see the world the way I am in constant need of knowledge learning and understanding.

I'm rambling on at the moment anyway I'm still trying to recover from mental fatigue from burnout and it seems to not be something I can recover from overnight until i leave my current position later on this month.

Laz: Is the successful relationship your latest relationship? If so, great! I hope you are having a good time!

Asp-Z: "Me and her just don't seem to get along TBH. We're still friends now and it's a bit awkward at the moment but I think it'll be fine, because when we just casually chat there's rarely any problems."
Do you know that when I'm angry or "locked down" I can rarely or not speak at all. Though I can really type! I can use a pen and write on paper what I feel.

I didn't personally get very into a relationship I have, because we are both dependent on others for our living so we are separating on a quest to individually study so we can get our diplomas and be able to work towards independency. Although we communicate pretty well, and I've frequently told her that I don't feel that talking on the phone is my optimum preferred medium of communication but I would more prefer to talk through an instant messenger. That's because I can re-read everything we say and nothing in the conversation is lost(if you are angry you'll forget a lot of things, trust me).

Note: sveindaniel, I read a lot of the things you typed, but not all because it was too much.

That's exactly how I am too! I get "locked down" and don't speak. But I can write.

Thanks for the comment, it's okay that you didn't read everything. I have sympathy, hehe

Err yeah, but we split up after 3 n a half years in early January. Sorry to put a downer on that I should have been more clear about that