Accused of teasing men

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I am often accussed of being a tease because I am nice to men and often touch them. Mind you, I do this to men and women and I am known to hug or peck them in some cases. I am a genuinely nice person who is not going to be mean to a guy the way some women are, i.e., I am not going to say to him "get lost, jerk" because he made a pass or something. However, my niceness is often seen as teasing by many men and I have had several men be angry with me for "leading them on".

Can any aspie women identify with this?

I wish you knew me in real life... I feel so emotionally stunted as of late because everyone here sees something like a hug as something so intimate that you better be related to someone or going out with them to hug them... and yet hugs are what i need to get through the day. If I could have that, I wouldn't be so desperate for a gf either...

Last edited by ToadOfSteel on 26 Jun 2010, 3:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Pecking and not asserting that you don't like someones advances can come across as being a tease.

See I don't know why hugging someone is considered so intimate. Maybe it is men who have not had sex in a long time who think of hugging as a come on? The last guy who accussed me of being a tease told me that I "can't hug men because of the testosetone thing". I've hugged plenty of other men who did not seem to have had a problem with it.

From a stranger's point of view, pecks and hugs are pretty affectionate gestures. People who aren't used to you will get the wrong idea. I'd suggest trying to wean yourself off of them so this doesn't happen anymore. Even I would notice and start to think you were coming on to me if you did this! I think just smiling is enough to convince someone you're nice.

I agree with this actually. The people who really do know you, will be aware you only mean this affection out of freindship and nothing else. Men (or Lesbian Women ) who aren't familiar with you at all could easily get the wrong impression.

You generally shouldn't touch people.

But there are a lot of men out there who do mis-interpret being nice as showing an interest in them. Ironically these are the same men who will think a woman is a b!tch for ignoring them.

I once got into a heated discussion with a male friend of mine who insisted I was "teasing" him when I moved my hair out of my way or made vaguely risque jokes. I became rather annoyed that he insisted I was of a character that I am not and ended up having to drive home my point by being a bit harsh.

I don't know why some men suddenly think they are God's gift to women just because one talks to them, much less why they think the "hair flip" is ever a come on because it really never is. It's just a maneuver to get hair out of the way.

A lot of men don't realize it but they really put women in a no win situation. Be nice and they think you are a tease or want them, ignore them and they think you are a b!tch.

That's not really fair.

Chronos, I totally agree with what you wrote. Sleep early on with a man and you are a slut. Don't sleep with him and you are frigid. Could men be projecting their insecurities on us?
Maybe we should start saying that if a guy can't take a hug because he gets aroused too soon, maybe he suffers from premature ejaculation or has not gotten any in a long time, if ever. How would they like that?

There are a lot of little body language signals that are mating signs. One of the biggest is what's called "self-grooming behavior" and includes any kind of touching or rearranging of the hair, adjusting clothing, applying lipstick, etc. It's not uncommon for females on the spectrum to accidentally give off lots of the mating body language without realizing it because they really are just getting their hair out of the way, adjusting uncomfortable clothing, etc.

Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean. I don't touch people often as Alla mentioned, but when I was single I used to get the same thing happen to me and I didn't understand until my husband (bf at the time) explained it to me. Guys would be super nice and then after a while just suddenly ignore me or even be overtly mean. I was so confused and it happened over and over again. It happened so much that I ended up severely limiting my interactions with men because I realized I didn't understand the signals. It's unfortunate because I really, genuinely like men.

I get this a lot. I don't know why they suddenly turn cold. Do they feel betrayed by the woman or is it that they were only hoping for sex?

Its such a common Autistic trait to have issues with being touched, I'd say its extremely unusual for anyone on the spectrum to be a compulsive hugger, at least where strangers and just-mets are concerned. If someone I haven't known and gotten along with for at least a few days goes to hug me, it makes me want to violently push them away - they have no business touching me, they don't know me that well. There had better be some kind of personal bonding involved, like friendship - or sex.

That kind of touching is an intimate gesture any way you look at it, just as kissing (and I'm not talking about the peck on the cheek stuff done in some cultures as a greeting). If you enter someone's personal space to the degree that you're pressing your torso against theirs, you have to be a fool not to think they'd take that as an invitation to intimacy - it is intimacy, and if there's not some sort of grief consoling going on, then how else is it supposed to be interpreted?

If you're that comfortable pressing up against me, why are we still dressed?

Umm, can't people feel affection for others and show it with pecks and hugs? Hug + affection does not necessarily have to = desire for sex.

How about this: Sleep with me and you are a goddess, sleep with several lonely men and you are an angel sent from heaven, sleep with jerks and you are a fool (ok, this is a joke and my perspective on women is not that twisted)


Yes, I think so, as that is practically influential to people's judgement, so yeah, I believe few men project their insecurities on women and vice-versa.


well, I am an example of that, I used to get a crush on a girl who was just nice to me, I really didn't think she wanted something with me though (I think pessimism worked fine in this situation), however I developed feelings for her and I was hoping she did, one problem to add is your peers, as there was a time that they said that she wanted something with me and that I should go for it, not sure if they really thought so or that they wanted to see me making a fool of myself, probably the latter.

I believe one issue to consider is this, a guy who couldn't get along with women before, or to say an example, at school he was an outcast, especially from the girls, then one day he is suddenly approached by a woman and is nice to him and hugs him, surely there will be a reaction, given that he is not used to this treatment from women, it is expected to have some confusion or conflicts in thoughts and feelings.

. . No, it doesn't *have* to, and it's a shame that it does, but now that you have your answer (i.e. that it can be interpreted that way) you know to bear it in mind if you don't want someone to think that you're leading them on, even though you know that isn't what you would be doing.

I know, shame on us for just wanting to be friends right? For actually having an interest in them as a human being and trying to be sensitive to their emotions.

So unfortunately, because of men like this, and men who think returning a hello means it's ok for them to harass me, cannot be so nice and civil to men who greet me when I'm out and about anymore, and I must out myself in the position of missing put on potentially good friendships.