What your (ex)girlfriend means by how she phrases a breakup.

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12 Jul 2010, 2:24 pm

As many of you are aware (and are also creeped out about), I recently began dating my best friend's younger sister in June. On Thursday, she sends me a text message from Florida (where she's on vacation), basically breaking up with me. Her text was not just excessively long, but really didn't make sense. It was if she was breaking up for me because she said that I'm not what she was looking for in a guy, and yet we went on forever at one point how well, she's not looking for a long distance relationship. Needless to say, I told her wholeheartedly that I would do anything reasonable in my power to make this work.

I have had some suspicions: First, her parents are uptight to begin with, second, it's if we are rarely going to get to see each other and to add, we are somewhat going in different directions in life. However, she and I in some ways are a perfect fit (and it's a long story about that). She and I are planning to remain friends through this whole thing. But the issue is that I still have feelings for her, and everything's happened so fast that both of us seem to be a bit confused. It was only Memorial Day of this year that we first saw each other in ages, it wasn't more than a week that we started dating and only thirty-one days after starting to date, we break up.

So, what do I do? Should I continue on my merry way, still be friends and, being that she's only turning seventeen in a month, see what another year does or just not hold my breath one bit on us getting back together? I appreciate how she came out and was honest about how she couldn't see our relationship working out right now, but still, I am left picking up the pieces of a relationship that I knew was going to need effort to work. I admired her for being wise beyond her years for knowing that it wouldn't work out at this moment, but still.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Daemonic-Jackal
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12 Jul 2010, 2:35 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:

It depends if you want to stay friends with her and why, whether it would be important to you, or if would be just in hope of you and her getting back together.

If I was in your situation I would tell her to take it or leave it. Deciding to break up with you via text message whilst she is on holiday is not only a cop-out and extremely shallow but also suggests something isn't quite right. If she's as upset about this as you are then I doubt she would put herself the trauma of it all whilst she is on vacation.

Talk to her by all means and see if you can work this out, but don't let her give you the run around.

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Chronos
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12 Jul 2010, 2:49 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:

However, she and I in some ways are a perfect fit

In SOME ways, but not in the ways she needs apparently. This is very important. You must realize that one person can be quite content in a relationship while the other person is not, and very frequently it really isn't about anyone doing anything wrong, but more about dynamics.

If one person is not content in a relationship and the other person is, the relationship won't really work because both individuals have to be content or things will turn unpleasant.

Since you do still have feelings for her, it's best to distance yourself for a while and date other people. This will provide you the opportunity to have a friendship with her in the future, when both of you have sufficiently changed such that you can be friends, or perhaps she will have a different perspective by then and you two will be more compatible for a relationship.

Anyway, just tell her, you hope it wasn't anything you did, and you respect her wishes. That is the best possible thing you can do in this situation.

Northeastern292
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12 Jul 2010, 2:50 pm

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:

Northeastern292 wrote:

She had also mentioned to me in that text that she had given it quite a long thought, and it was only ironic that I had a week and a half earlier thought the same way, but knew that I would find a way to make it work, and that we were building a relationship in a slightly unusual manner. And in no way would I let her give me the run around.

My now ex is a very kind and honest person, and isn't one who would lie to me, and I wonder now if she used a vacation to break up with me as having fun would be a distraction of sorts. She's perpetually busy. I'm not sure what I want either at this point, but I know that every time I thought of her, my heart would skip a beat and I was so overjoyed about life itself.

deadeyexx
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12 Jul 2010, 2:52 pm

Did she find someone else? That's often a reason for a speedy break-up. The reason usually doesn't make sense because they're making it up and trying to justify themselves.

Northeastern292
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12 Jul 2010, 3:01 pm

deadeyexx wrote:

Did she find someone else? That's often a reason for a speedy break-up. The reason usually doesn't make sense because they're making it up and trying to justify themselves.

Not that I know of, and not that her Facebook has told me. But all I can say is that when the time is right, I want to hear the full story from her.

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12 Jul 2010, 3:07 pm

Quote:

we went on forever at one point how well, she's not looking for a long distance relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about the break up, but I think she's made it kind of clear. You live too far away and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to have a long distance relationship. A lot of people won't do LDR's. They can be a lot tougher than normal relationships.

Northeastern292
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12 Jul 2010, 3:17 pm

Lene wrote:

Quote:

we went on forever at one point how well, she's not looking for a long distance relationship.

They can be, and in some ways more fulfilling, but yes, more stressful. She really didn't mind it at first. But it turns into a vicious cycle in the end. It seems that any girl I like ends up being a too good to be true situation. I thought I had something special, and then poof, it's gone.

billsmithglendale
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12 Jul 2010, 3:29 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:

Northeastern292 wrote:

You're overthinking this -- it isn't meant to be right now, so let it go, find someone else, and maybe some day in the future, you two will reconnect. No amount of rationalizing will fix or change this, and it probably wasn't anything that was your fault or that you could have prevented. Get through the stages of grief, and find happiness with someone else.

RICKY5
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12 Jul 2010, 3:34 pm

deadeyexx wrote:

Did she find someone else? That's often a reason for a speedy break-up. The reason usually doesn't make sense because they're making it up and trying to justify themselves.

Women are wired to operate like that.

"I am woman hear how it's never my fault!"

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12 Jul 2010, 6:15 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:

she said that I'm not what she was looking for in a guy

I think you've been told that its over and you should let it go and move on instead of being obsessive. Begging someone to remain involved with you when they've made it clear that a relationship with you is not what they want is only going to annihilate your self esteem and it has ZERO chance of succeeding.

Lene wrote:

for whatever reason, she doesn't want to have a long distance relationship. A lot of people won't do LDR's. They can be a lot tougher than normal relationships.

Northeastern292 wrote:

They can be, and in some ways more fulfilling,

No, they can't. You are deluding yourself if you actually believe that. Long distance relationships are heartaches in progress. That romantic stereotype of the woman waiting patiently for her lover to return is a beautiful fiction. Humans want relationships with other humans whom they can see, touch and communicate with directly, and sooner or later, that is exactly what they will find every time.

This is the voice of repeated experience speaking, if you value your sanity, listen carefully: She is not the only girl in the world, she is not the only girl who will ever like you, but she has made her position clear. LET IT GO. You are just going to end up beating your head and heart against a wall that you cannot penetrate, and you will only end up broken, humiliated and in deep, deep pain.

Life is not a romantic comedy where couples break up, but ultimately realize how right they are for each other and everything works out in the end. There is no end, and its a heart rending eternal tragedy in which would-be heroes end up hanging from cliffs in chains, their hearts torn out daily by ravens.

I'm not telling you that you can't find happiness or that healthy relationships can never exist, only that when SHE says its over - its over. Be big enough to accept it, or only evil can befall you. :evil:

Go ahead, prove me wrong. I dare you.

Northeastern292
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12 Jul 2010, 7:03 pm

Honestly, all of your guys's responses make me feel pissed and betrayed in so many ways. I should have known this was an unhealthy relationship from the start.

I wish there was a way of showing her how pissed I am, and how hurt I am. But maybe I need to grieve, be pissed for a while, the usual.

I don't know, but dating is one of my biggest fears. It absolutely is.

As for now, I would love to...you know what? Nothing is ever going to fix the heartache right now. I'm going back to my old cycle of obsessive-compulsiveness. And as hypocrites go, I am the biggest of them all.

RICKY5
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12 Jul 2010, 9:25 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:

Go bang a hooker who looks just like her. :twisted:

Northeastern292
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12 Jul 2010, 9:27 pm

RICKY5 wrote:

Northeastern292 wrote:

Go bang a hooker who looks just like her. :twisted:

Honestly, as very wrong and sick as in like seriously screwed up that sounds, I understand your thinking.

Dilbert
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12 Jul 2010, 9:33 pm

Learn to communicate with her better and you won't need to look for subtext in her words? I know it sounds harsh, but that's your problem right there.

Just talk and be honest. Ask the tough questions and let it all out.

Northeastern292
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13 Jul 2010, 12:13 pm

Dilbert wrote:

You're definitely on the money with that one right there. And communication is something we have sort of lacked all along.

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