aspie women & relationships - our struggles

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I have been told that I come across as very strong and dominant, which I am most definately not. This scares people away from me. I form relationships somewhat easier if I make an effort to act differently, such as putting on a more feminine voice and holding myself back, but it's exhausting.

There have been many times when I've realised that a guy like me but wouldn't do anything about it because others found it so funny that he liked me.

Also, I struggle with understanding my feelings and instincts and with knowing what is normal. I have found myself in some very difficult relationships because I didn't have the confidence in my judgement to walk away.

difficulties and experiences:
good topic, I think if I could begin to explain/understand it would help me lots.

1. I am always behind everyone else in my stage of development. It took me ages before I saw other women in healthy, respectful, positive, fun relationships and thought that was actually something I wanted.

2. General bad social skills and fear of getting things wrong. As in making friends, the sheer akwardness of it is enough to make me want to disappear/withdraw. Not to mention the specific akwardness of intimacy and feeling that nothing comes naturally, everything has to be learnt and again, the fear of failure, the fear of being laughed at.

3. On top of not reading other peoples feelings, I can't even read my own.
Sometimes the people I get on best with, it is because I feel safe and secure in a bubble where there is no possibility of romantic interest or even of them liking me, because then there is no fear of failure, I can't lose. So if this person suddenly seems to start being nice to me, I am at a complete loss of how to act.

In conclusion, I wish I could just be me, own my feelings, be the individual that I am and take on the world on that basis.

I think I've had that happen to me. I only know that they were making fun of him because my sister told me. She has theory of mind issues and often doesn't understand why people do what they do or when something is just a joke, but she was really, really angry with my friend's husband for winding this poor guy up because she felt like they were making fun of me. My sister said that they weren't very good friends for doing that and has never really got on well with this couple since.

That was about 3 years ago now. I suppose they were making fun of me and I was really upset about it when I found out. I'm still not entirely sure what happened because it's not as though these friends don't like me, they even let me stay with them for a couple of months when I needed somewhere to live and we are like family now. This is just people stuff I don't understand.

i consider this to be a very beautiful statement. it seems alomost universal that we all wish we could just relax and breathe and be ourselves.

it seems really hard for lots of aspies to overcome the fear and get a relationship established. being alone feels safer and there's no risk involved. i have an (undiagnosed) aspie friend who gave up on relationships because he feels like he does not want to ever change because it feels too risky and wrong to take a leap.

MotherKnowsBest & musicboxforever = that almost made me cry when i read that other people found it funny if a man was attracted to you. i had that happen a couple of times too, but it was when i was younger. but even my husband sometimes wishes i could socially 'fit in' a bit better, though i am aware that he is more forgiving and and openminded than most people. sometimes i think that it takes a brave person to date someone who is outside the norm, and not everyone has the courage to be the 'different' one in their social circle (the person who dates an unusual character). but it's not like we are choosing to be outside the norm!

I got that too. One of the popular guys at my school liked me but then his friends were so rude about how "uncool" I was he chose to stop liking me.

Thats one of the things that still angers me. I thought he was cute at the time and I didn't like others butting in and manipulating his opinion.

I remember when I was at the bar last month with my friends, one of the girls was talking about someone that was flirting with her brother. We were trying to figure out who it was. One of my friends said, "well it has to be [her] because everyone else is taken or [Erisad]."

The girl said to me, "Yeah, sorry but if you were flirting with my brother, I wouldn't approve."

I didn't say anything because I had a few drinks in me so I didn't care at the time and so did she. After sobering up, I thought the remark was rather nasty. I never expressed an interest in her brother so I don't even know why she even said it. It doesn't mean as much to me now but it did hurt.

Yes that is nasty. Was she a friend joking or someone you don't know?

She's a friend, I guess. I was closer to her a few year ago but since she graduated I rarely hear from her. She was also drunk at the time but she's one of those people I could never read. She's was a psychology major so she would get amused from being able to manipulate/predict other people's behavior. I don't think she was joking but she was trying to say it in a humorous manner but failed since I could tell. I dunno. :/

it must be a status symbol for some particular guys to have a certain kind of girlfriend, so if a girl doesn't look or act like that then he won't pick her as she would be unacceptable to his friends.

i talked to my husband about that, because he picks girls that are different (really, really different). he didn't really understand men whose tastes run in a typical way, but he agreed that there are some men out there who base their girlfriend choices on what their their friends think.

i hope you do. i value your opinion.

apologies - this will be a long post. some of these things apply to (and interfere with) platonic friendships as well.

someone wrote recently (don't remember who or on which thread) "no one likes a girl with a male brain."

that sums up a lot of it.

i'll pick from others' posts (who have said it better than i could have) some of the issues i have had.

same.

even if i do recognize someone is interested, i misjudge the depth or context of the interest. more on this later. *



which is not unrelated to this point:



guys like me a lot .. at first.



all of the above, as well.




well said. behavior that seems to draw other people closer to each other is off-putting to me.



and this, although i'd have said it more crassly.



(i'll interject here: i can be very affectionate; but it is misread as primarily sexual.)



and that.



and that .. but paradoxically also i seem to be read as sexually available when i have actually no interest whatsoever in casual sex.

* i have been in situations in which i was certain a relationship was developing, and was shocked to discover the guy had no interest in a relationship with me at all.

i'm not stereotypically "nice" so thankfully i am spared this one:



but not this one:



however, i am disinclined to act differently.

additionally, i have intense difficulties with any kind of ambiguity in my relationships with other people; and so i find beginning to date someone excruciating (without even delving into the anxiety issues) as if you try to clarify boundaries from the start, you drive people away or it's inappropriate to discuss yet. also: one lie and i cannot trust the person from that point forward.

i am misread as confrontational when my intention is just to clarify. i need to talk out things that are confusing when other people tend to want to forget about it and move on. if something is bothering me, i cannot get around it. i expect people to treat me like the person i am, not like they would treat someone else. it irritates me when people do not consider that my responses to things make sense to me (and are often more logical than theirs) and should be taken seriously.

women are apparently expected to do a lot of the relationship maintenance and i do not know how to do this (or desire to know how, as it would involve acting like something i am not.) while men might frequently be the initial pursuers, women are given the reins from there on out, and i do not know how to drive and so i let go.

i seem to disregard the tacit rules about what is and isn't ok to state directly; i state everything directly that i'm going to state at all. this puts people in an awkward spot at times as they are forced to discuss something they would rather not.

i cannot tell how i am being read until it's too late to clarify anything. no one ever asks me anything to clarify.

the point of all this (and thank you hyperlexian) is that being able to acquire a sex partner is not all there is to it. it's meaningless, really, to be able to do that and nothing more relevant to actually relating to other people at all. even if sex was all i was after, i would have to constantly be looking for (and much more skilled at acquiring) partners, as maintaining anything has been impossible.

and as a pre-emptive measure:
i don't blame men for any of this; i don't specifically blame men on the board for this; i don't presume all men or all men on the board dismiss women's difficulties; i don't hate, or even dislike men in any way.

that about covers it.

-K

Hi, I'm a woman. I've never been in a relationship so actually getting into one would be the struggle!

I think my main problems are these:

1) I'm gay
2) I'm demisexual, which means I really only fall for people I've gotten to know closely (ie my friends)
3) I have a fear of physical intimacy
4) I'm fairly picky. I've only felt true attraction towards about 8 people in my whole life.
5) I really enjoy the freedom of being alone and I like to spend my free time alone. I can't imagine sharing my room with another person, nevermind a bed!
6) I seem to be too direct about my feelings and I've been told I am clingy (towards some friends I've liked in the past).

All my life I've wondered what my problem was. I went through the "Oh, it's just cuz I'm gay" phase, then the "Oh, I'm just picky" phase then the "Maybe I'm asexual" phase. I never understood until I read about AS. Then things sort of came together. I don't know what I can do about this though...

I feel very much this way, especially the bolded text, but more so in forming friendships, which I find are more difficult than romantic relationships because they are expected to be breezy and casual, so there is never the opportunity to discuss something that is bothering me without seeming overbearing.

I have had two long term relationships (one that lasted 14 years and one that lasted 10 years). I find that with relationships I can be more obtuse and demanding, because there is the closeness that allows more space to be oneself. But with friendships I have had terrible trouble, because friends are expected to be emotionally self sufficient and I can't just say whatever I actually mean or talk about personal things without seeming weird and needy. I've had problems with friends who did things I thought were dastardly, and I have found that I am not allowed to talk about it, and the only choice it leaves me with is leaving the friendship, because I can't overlook the bad behavior.

(Even though I've been fairly lucky in love, I am now 46, antisocial, unable to make small talk, sick (I have CFS) and not very attractive, so I'm looking at being alone for the duration.)

it never occurred to me util recently that this has been the source of a lot of my difficulties. i am a problem-solver, a blunt conversationalist, confident in my knowledge, confrontational in arguments, pragmatic, a fixit girl, i read non-fiction for the information, etc. (i also happen to have a lot of upper-body strength though i don't appear to, which intimidates some men). i always figured i was designed to "play with the big boys" and didn't bother to be shy or modest about it.


wow, yes. totally. about the lies. and i mean small lies too. eventually i can forgive in some cases, but it takes a mountain of work on the other person's end. most of the time, it is not worth it for either party and i move on.

i broke up with husband 8 times prior to marriage, and his lying was one of the precipitating causes (he doesn't lie now). over time, his concession to stop lying interestingly required that i accept him for who he is in his own areas of imperfection. (as a silly example, he will tell me about his photo-radar speeding tickets, but i have to accept that he will speed occasionally).

i clarify boundaries too, early on. the last time husband and i broke up, we were meeting again for a date, and i asked him outright what his intentions were (and thereby spoiled a marriage proposal). it is also *one* of the reasons i turned my relationships with men into sexual experiences very quickly. i could not handle the amiguity of grey areas, so i figured we should take it all the way immediately to remove awkwardness.

in my own head, it generally worked to sexualize relationships quickly, though it was tough on my husband because according to his feelings and faith we were married right from that first night (we started out as a one-night stand). he was totally and absolutely committed (even though i kept breaking up with him, he would pull me back). anyway, that was a totally irrelevant story.


i tend to be confrontational in general, so when i am clarifying it is often taken the wrong way.

i have a very good male friend who said something at a staff meeting that upset me. i asked him about it later and he told me he didn't mean anything by it. he offered a vague and non-committal apology, which was useless without him taking any responsibility or at least explaining. so i asked why he made the comment. it made no sense to me, except that maybe he was being competitive with other males in the room, but that was out of character for him.

now he got angry because i was pushing him, and he felt like i should know by now that he would never hurt me intentionally. then he said he didn't even remember it, and could we just move on and forget it?

so i typed up a couple of lines of the conversation from the staff meeting to jog his memory. he pretended to remember about it and made a vague excuse, just to shut me up... obviously, we aren't very good friends anymore (he also tried lying to me about something).

i needed to know why he made the comment so that i could understand what motivated him to unknowingly hurt my feelings in a public way. i needed to know if i coud trust him in future. so i guess it was confrontational, but it was necessary for me in order to continue being friends.

thank you so much for sharing, katzefrau, and i apologize for my anecdotal replies. i appreciate that you took the time to express so much.

bee33 = i find the same problem with keeping my mouth shut - i have this problem with family also. i would stay quiet and bottle it all up and never say what i was thinking. i would get migraines and intestinal issues from trying to control my actions and thoughts.

i managed to make 2 female friends at work who encourage me to speak up, and i am really new to this feeling. we tell each other what we really think about stuff, and it is pretty amazing. they are closer to each other and i am a bit like an add-on, but i don't mind because they value me and include me. but it was very, very hard for me to trust them or to make an effort with them - it took over a year to get to this point.

i always like to read your posts and i look forward to your input. even though you are antisocial, i am glad you come and share parts of yourself here on WP.

Kiseki = i think that coming to this forum and discussing issues with each other can help all of us, though i know that there doesn't seem to be any easy answers.

in my mind, i think that there has to be other models of relationships that could fit with more of what aspies may want (less affection, less or more sex, separate quarters/physical space, etc). but it is so hard for *anybody* to meet a partner, so finding someone accommodating seems like a long shot. frustrating.

OT: someone is trying to start up a GLBT subforum on WP, perhaps because many people in that group feel like they are a minority within a minority, and there are added difficulties attendant with that. but i also intentionally tried to keep the my post topic vague, so that women could share both their straight or GLBT perspectives. this topic is about ourselves, so it doesn't matter who the objects of our affectio nare.

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thanks for sharing! i feel less and less like an alien.

I am a male.

I find it hard that I recieve the wrong signals.
I will end up treating my lady friends so well that I am friend zoned. Sometimes, I recieve little hints that they like me, but sometimes, I am mistaken.

Also, people misunderstand where I come from. They think that its really depressing reasoning. When actually, my entire point of acting so strange, is to enjoy life.