aspie women & relationships - our struggles

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Thank you for saying that.

I don't actually want to be antisocial, I just have a hard time connecting with people (plus I'm always too tired to go out) so it's my position simply by default.

And I like to read your posts too.

hey thanks! i didn't mean to say you are actually seeming antisocial to me on WP or anything! i just realized how that came across.

Yes, guys will definitely do this, and I don't know why. When I was in school, though, I couldn't let this set me back. I would have been terminally alone! 'Cause I *always* fell for the "uncool" girls -- the weird ones, the awkward ones, the troubled ones, the shy ones, the ones that no one thought were cute (me excepted). I always wanted the girl with the "broken wing" -- someone a little flawed. It wasn't anything purposeful, but I learned quickly that these were the ones that had fascinating things to say. Almost as though they had kept all of this bottled up until finally someone came into their lives to hear it all. They would keep me endlessly interested -- and usually entertained. Some of these girls were *funny* -- with crazy senses of humor that had never been let out of their cages. There was always a surprise, and I found that to be hugely attractive.

BUT, do you know what always ruined those relationships? Immaturity, inexperience, and lack of self-confidence -- particularly lack of self-confidence. No one could accept, "I just like you 'cause you're you." It was always, "but I'm not that pretty, I'm not that popular, I'm not that sophisticated." I didn't care, but strangely *they* did. This is something that I NEVER grew to understand. It's too bad because lots of extraordinary people crossed my path. I liked (and sometimes loved) them for who they were -- but they didn't.

What else I have:

I have been labeled as a control freak
It's been seen as it's my way or the highway

In my last relationships I was labeled as being a control freak, always have to be right, no empathy, no expressing emotions and both my ex's felt they were hugging a robot and didn't feel anything out of me.

But my husband doesn't see me as a robot and he knows I have feelings and empathy but have a hard time expressing them and have a hard time with empathy and that I don't have much. Sure my emotions show because I can cry, I get anxiety, I yell. That's expressing it. he pretty much has labeled me as I have described above minus the robot and not feeling anything out of me.

Honestly I don't think I would find another guy like my husband so if something were to happen to him, I don't think I'd get married again or be in another relationship unless I can get lucky again and find another him.


Before I started going online looking for men, I couldn't get a man in real life, no dates nothing. Even if a guy take interest in me, they wouldn't even ask for my email address nor phone number nor even ask me out. Was I supposed to make a move too like ask for their number or email or ask for a date? I also blamed it on my shyness so I figured I must have scared them away because they thought I didn't like them. And I used to get the "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" and "How can you not have a boyfriend?" crap from people online after seeing how pretty I am.

I can say that's when I wish I didn't have AS because I figured if I didn't have it, I would have met someone and be with someone and have taken different pathways. Even my own mother has told me she sometimes wishes I didn't have it because she figured my life be easier. I didn't even ask her "how so" because then I would have ended up hearing what my limits are or what I struggle in and I didn't need to hear that.

But online it seemed easy because they all came to me and it was on a kinky dating site and they all wanted a woman with that fetish. I felt very NT and normal.

Thank you all, everyone, for writing of your own perceptions and experiences. I'm reading all of these, shaking my head in recognition of the all-too-familiar. It's just extraordinary! I thought I was alone (don't we all say that at one point or another?)...

Do any other Aspie girls find REAL difficulty connecting deeply with people? I find I rarely feel anything more that acquaintance-type friendship towards others.

That's a great idea! Though I personally find the Aspie traits far more challenging in relationships than being gay. But it'd be great to have an LGBT thread here.

Yep, and that's at the heart of all my difficulties, really. I connect with my children, but of course I'm all they know, for now!

Yeah, I connect with my parents and a few close friends. But that's it.

Do you know exactly WHY this is trouble for us?

Being judged by appearances and first impression always created confusions and misunderstandings for me - I was accused several times of deliberately misleading people because of that - highly frustrating.

I know that having a more masculine mind is a big turn off for most guys, on the other hand being less emotional than most women is something the men I've been involved with seemed to appreciate, while women will usually think I'm cold.

It used to be very hard for me to permanently share my personal space with someone - after a while people want to take things to "the next level" and this ruined a few otherwise good relationships for me. I never wanted what most people seem to want - settling down, getting married, mortgage, 2.5 kids etc. This of course significantly narrowed my options. Expectations seem to be the key - at a certain level, people assume everybody sees happiness and fulfilment the same way they do, while my ideas on the matter seem very different from the norm and from what women are expected to want and feel.

But this odd foot found an odd shoe so maybe there's hope for anyone...

In my last relationships, my ex's thought I wanted sex because they were rubbing me and I was enjoying it but I never headed to that stage as they expected. I caused my first ex to have blue balls because he was always thinking I wanted sex and then he go "WTF" when it wouldn't happen. So I bet to him I was playing mind games with him. But my last ex learned that is not what it meant for me.

So things I enjoy or do, my intentions can be read wrong and my body language.

Even I can't stand lot of affection and touch and I learned that pushing the man away will make them think I don't like them than me not wanting to be touched or hugged.

I can't connect with anyone. I win.



In my case, it's because I expect people to be able to read my mind or at least just "get it."

The closest person I have to someone like this is my brother. He knows me so well that if he doesn't get it, I don't expect anyone else to get it. And lately, he doesn't really get a lot of things, which is annoying but which isn't exactly surprising.

Last edited by menintights on 07 Nov 2010, 9:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You should remember then that no one can read our mind and you have to tell them. Lot of people expect their partners to read their minds because they think if their partner cared about them that much, they wouldn't be doing what they be doing and they would just change.

I was really being facetious about the mind-reading thing.

The real problem is there's just stuff in my background that people just won't understand and that makes it hard for us to connect on a BFF-level. There'd be an occasion where I'd say something that bothers me and someone would say "I know how you feel!", only to go on with an anecdote that has nothing to do with my situation but that's somehow supposed to make me feel better.

And that's okay, since I've learned that normal people actually have mostly superficial connections with each other.

Yes, I am that same way. I feel like I can intuitively understand the people I know, so why can't they do the same with me? I get really really upset actually when something is going wrong with me and none of my friends picks up on it.

thank you for bringing in the male perspectives. interesting and eye-opening to read.