aspie women & relationships - our struggles

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CrinklyCrustacean
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09 Nov 2010, 5:18 am

katzefrau wrote:

mv wrote:

Like with those women who get very nervous when you talk to their husbands, there's just no explaining to them that I see no difference between the women and their husbands, as people. I'm not trying to chat him up, I'm just talking to him, politely, one person to another.

you got to be kidding me? is there some rule that the husbands are higher ups from the wives? (this was a response to a comment about establishing heirarchies .. )

I'm guessing mv meant that they get jealous of any woman who talks to their husband. For some reason they are so insecure as to see another woman as a threat, even if there is absolutely no evidence for that whatsoever.

katzefrau wrote:

whenever i read threads like this i wonder why dating other people on the spectrum isn't proposed over and over again as the answer? it seems the issues we're all having (male and female) have more to do with people wanting or expecting us to be more normal or fit into socialized gender roles better, when that isn't practical or possible or desirable for most of us.

It has been proposed several times on this forum. I think the problem lies in the potential for difficulties with other aspies: because we're all different we may bring other problems with us, and thus still be incompatible even though we have Asperger's in common. Also, as Becky Logan put it:

"In some ways, full-blown autism, where the sufferer inhabits his or her own world, would be preferable to Asperger's syndrome, where the sufferer is stuck between two worlds and is not entirely happy in either."

Thus dating an NT could be an attempt to break free and become more 'normal'.

Source:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/3309416/Teachers-suggested-I-was-exaggerating.html

mv
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09 Nov 2010, 9:20 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:

katzefrau wrote:

mv wrote:

you got to be kidding me? is there some rule that the husbands are higher ups from the wives? (this was a response to a comment about establishing heirarchies .. )

Yes, this. Sorry if I was confusing, I meant to use that as an example of rules I don't understand / don't feel compelled to follow.

bee33
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09 Nov 2010, 4:19 pm

katzefrau wrote:

bee33 wrote:

I think that the earlier comment about hierarchies was about the pecking order that women establish within a group of women "friends." At least that's how I understood it, and it's something I have experienced first hand, though I only became aware of it in hindsight, of course, after I had been run over by it...

i've never really had a group of female friends, so i guess i wouldn't know anything about this ...

In retrospect, neither have I. They weren't really my friends.

pineapple
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09 Nov 2010, 4:48 pm

I happen to be asexual, so I don't have that sexual-attraction impetus to get into relationships. I've had a few crushes on people, but basically I wanted to be BFFs with the person, talk to them a lot and at the most, hug them. I have mixed feelings about being in a romantic relationship, but if one day, I did become sure about it, I don't think I could figure out how to be in one. My social skills are just too poor and the "game" of dating is foreign to me. I can do well with friends when I'm in close physical proximity to them. This was my experience in college. But now it's like, "out of sight, out of mind". I feel like I have the potential to care deeply for people, but I'm tired of always being the one that cares more, so I pull back. At this point in my life, I feel like most of my friendships are stagnating or growing more distant, since the relationship seems like such a low priority for the other person, then I get frustrated, and it's sort of a vicious cycle.

hyperlexian
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09 Nov 2010, 6:50 pm

pineapple wrote:

that sounds frustrating. from what i've heard, it may be possible to have relationships that are a lot like friendships, but i am not sure because i haven't ever personally been in one like that.

keeping friendships is also something i am not good at.

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Zoma
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09 Nov 2010, 10:48 pm

musicboxforever wrote:

Kaybee wrote:

Even so, I still have Aspie-based challenges in relationships.

Problems I face in forming relationships:
-Women are judged quite heavily on their appearances, including clothing, and I'm told that my fashion choices are "eccentric."
-Many are put off by my formal way of speaking.
-I make little eye contact.
-I'm not a big fan of humanity and am disinclined to meet new people.
-It takes me a long time to become anything remotely resembling comfortable around a person who is new to me.
-If I'm not comfortable with a person, I do not like them to touch me.
-Most people like people who are outgoing and spontaneous. I am neither.

Problems I face in maintaining relationships:
-I can't "connect" with people ...
-My non-verbal ways of expressing affection are often not noticed or understood.
-I'm poor at intuiting people's emotional needs.
...
-I keep things to myself. Which isn't to say that I'm secretive; I'm simply disinclined to offer information unless I'm asked about it.
I'm sure there's more, but this seems rather long-winded as is, so I'll stop here.

I can relate very much to these points!

i can relate to the part of not liking humanity much... i hate evil and corruption. and i hate infidelity like it was the ultimate crime of evil. then again it is.

I've never dated really, but I seem to have problems "being available." If I like someone and I have an inclination that they like me too, nothing ever happens after that. I don't think the guy can ever tell I like them. I have on a couple of occasions told guys that I am interested in them, but find I mis-read their signals and they don't like me back. Now that I know I can't read the signals correctly I don't tell anyone anymore whether I like them because I am afraid of looking like an idiot. Now I have become paranoid and feel like when I have a crush on someone everyone knows (which is silly because I feel like when someone likes me they can't tell if I like them, so how everyone else could see it, I don't know) and I feel like they also know the guy doesn't like me back and I feel like an idiot because everyone can see me crashing and burning, falling for someone who so obviously (to them) has no interest in me. It makes me feel like a loser. Like I am being pitied for being the unattractive, socially lacking lassie that goes for guys she could never have. In actuallity, maybe no one can see this at all it's just how things appear to me now through the layers of pain left lingering over me from the bad experiences I've had.

I always wondered why people girls needed make up and stuff to look good. after all eventually when you get married you have to get used to each other's natural sexiness. also don't worry someone will love you for who you really are someday. they will meet you and find you.

musicboxforever
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10 Nov 2010, 7:35 am

Zoma wrote:

Covering up blemishes with concealer and adding blusher to cheeks helps to make a girl look more healthy and therefore more desirable as a mate. Why would I want anyone to see my spots! It's not rocket science, but it can feel degrading because I think some women take it to extremes and overdress/over make-up themselves. We see a barage of images on tv and in magazines which show us what we are supposed to look like to be acceptable. I think I would probably fall prey to that more if I had more money and could afford to buy all that stuff. I would love to afford to buy beauty treatements and get my nails manicured and my eye brows waxed at a salon, but on the other hand, I hate that other women bother waxing because it means I have to bother in order to compete.

menintights
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10 Nov 2010, 1:02 pm

Zoma wrote:

Me and my brothers used to wonder about the same thing. Then they started going to the gym to lift weights and I came to realize that the things that people supposedly do to be more sexually attractive they really do mainly to fit in. Boys decide to bulk up because that's what other boys do, and girls wear make-up because that's what other girls do--it's simple.

This is where we can blame Hollywood for everything that's wrong with our lives.

hyperlexian
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10 Nov 2010, 3:01 pm

menintights wrote:

Zoma wrote:

i wear makeup because apparently i look better with it on. i also have fun applying it - i am an artist and it's a form of art. lastly, people treat me better and give me more attention when i am wearing it. if i want to disappear into the crowd, i don't wear it. if i want to stand out, i put it on.

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menintights
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10 Nov 2010, 6:04 pm

Quote:

lastly, people treat me better and give me more attention when i am wearing it.

This is what I really meant by "fitting in."

katzefrau
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10 Nov 2010, 6:16 pm

menintights wrote:

Quote:

lastly, people treat me better and give me more attention when i am wearing it.

This is what I really meant by "fitting in."

sadly, majority rules on things like this. if you decide not to play, you will be judged (on your appearance) regardless.

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bee33
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10 Nov 2010, 6:44 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

Zoma wrote:

I think I can see both sides of this. I don't own any makeup and have never worn any except on rare occasions. I think I just have no idea how to apply it. With make up on I feel like I look like one of the guys from Monty Python when they dress up like women.

I have had two long term relationships (14 years and 10 years) and I wasn't wearing any make up when I met the men or throughout the relationships, so I don't think you need make up or to look like the accepted norm when you are only trying to attract a specific person. I've also been biased against make up because in the circles I moved in (artists and lefty/anarchists) it wasn't used and was considered sort of bourgeois or mainstream or whatever. But now that I am alone again and don't look particularly good at 46, I am thinking I should give it another try to fit in. But like many Aspies, I find it very awkward and a bit of an unknown.

I'm not sure exactly what my point is...

Aimless
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10 Nov 2010, 7:08 pm

Not about makeup (I wear a little bit) but as to the opening topic, I have been watching this thread since it's beginning trying to think of how I wanted to express my struggles. I guess I'd have to say simply "I don't know how". I am 53 and I have had one relationship that lasted more than a week or two. I never had an instinct for these things and I've spent as least as much time running away from them as I have been unceremoniously dumped. It took me a long while to realize I was unconsciously seeking out emotionally unavailable men because I was afraid of losing my solitude in a relationship. I was also afraid there would be a social expectation as a partner that I could not fulfill. In my mind relationships equal conflict. I have a son from my one relationship and yes we have conflicts but being parent/child there is a bond there that supersedes the conflict and I guess I never thought I could find someone I could have that level of trust with. I was always hoping someone good and patient and kind would come along and see through my fears and gain my trust without overwhelming me but it never happened. I know I'm screwed up so I'm no longer out there trying.

katzefrau
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11 Nov 2010, 12:05 am

Aimless wrote:

I have been watching this thread since it's beginning trying to think of how I wanted to express my struggles. I guess I'd have to say simply "I don't know how".

that's a good summary. now i feel i've wasted words.

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Aimless
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11 Nov 2010, 5:25 am

katzefrau wrote:

Aimless wrote:

I have been watching this thread since it's beginning trying to think of how I wanted to express my struggles. I guess I'd have to say simply "I don't know how".

that's a good summary. now i feel i've wasted words.

Well, thanks for responding, I was feeling uber lame. It seems like most if you had the courage to at least try. I think it's just beyond me. There must be a reason why, even if someone I'm attracted to responds, that I feel like I'm losing air and panic. I really think it's fear of losing me. No doubt I've got some warped ideas along the line.

musicboxforever
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11 Nov 2010, 9:49 am

Aimless wrote:

was also afraid there would be a social expectation as a partner that I could not fulfill. In my mind relationships equal conflict.

That's how I feel. I dislike new situations in general. I like to know exactly what is going to happen and how I ought to behave. I suppose it could be said that I should just jump in feet first and go for it. Find someone I like and try and make it work. But my fear is that I might accidentally hurt someone I really like because I don't know what I'm meant to do and I can't really have a practice boyfried because what if he liked me more than I liked him and he was gutted to find out I was only practicing at how to behave with him, so that I could move on to someone I actually fancied. You can't do that to someone. T'is difficult.

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