Lying to Attract a Mate

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I've seen too many posts in this forum that mention, very matter-of-factly, fronting NT behavior/interests to attract a mate. (The posts I've seen are consistently authored by men, but that doesn't mean women are incapable of this behavior. If Aspie women are posting about this, I haven't seen those posts.)

To the men who engage in this behavior: if you read this post and take it to heart, I think I can save you and your would-be partners a lot of anguish and heartache. This is how this scenario plays out: you pretend to like things that you don't in order to win her heart (clubbing, going out with her friends, being with her all the time, willing to do whatever she wants....even little things like talking on the phone, showing affection, having sex more/less than you actually want, etc.) And you succeed - you win her heart. She's in love, she thinks you're everything she's ever wanted, she can't believe her luck - all the other broken hearts she's endured have been worth it, because they all led up to you.

Then you realize you can't maintain the charade. The stress it causes you is just too much - it's exhausting, overwhelming, draining. You can't rebuild your physical, mental and emotional energy, because she's always with you, always dragging you to clubs and parties and dinner with her friends. You become angry and frustrated, and as the anger and frustration grows, you become less and less able to articulate your feelings, or to communicate at all. She's doing all the things that she's always done, behaving all the ways she's always behaved - but now her behavior doesn't make you happy. Her very presence seems to irritate you - she doesn't understand why - and you can't explain it.

You've become a different man than the man she fell in love with. But women are funny that way - they don't just fall out of love. She'll keep looking for the guy you were, and she'll catch a glimpse of him every once in a while. She'll wonder what happened - it's like someone flipped a switch: one day you were the man of her dreams, and then everything changed.

What happens next depends on how far she's invested in the relationship. Is their marriage, kids, joint property? Or does she just love you with all her heart? She wants you to be the man she fell in love with, you can't be that man. It's a conflict that can't be resolved. Eventually she'll realize what you've done - that you lied. You made her fall in love with a man who doesn't exist. And even worse, she'll realize your whole relationship is based on lies and deception.

To be clear I'm not discouraging the attainment of social skills. The ability to approximate normal eye contact, to maintain appropriate distance when speaking to another, to listen and speak at appropriate intervals - those are all skills that will help in attracting a mate. I'm not talking about expanding your comfort zone, to grow and change (as much as possible) to accommodate your mate. Those are worthy efforts that will help your relationship flourish in the long run. I'm talking about creating a persona that is not who you are, and that is beyond your comfort zone.

Without honesty in a relationship, there can be no trust. Without trust, there can be no intimacy. Without intimacy, there's no chance for real, lasting love. There will be no acceptance of you and your needs. And that's what's really critically important to understand: you have special relationship needs. Finding a partner willing to meet those needs isn't an easy task - we all know that. But a viable substitute for finding a partner willing to meet your real, actual, serious relationship needs is not pretending that you don't have those needs. Yes, you may end up with a partner, but one that didn't sign up for a relationship with an Aspie. Eventually she'll figure out what you've done, and she'll hate you for it.

If you want to find someone who's willing to work through the problems inherent in an Aspie/NT relationship, you have to have to look for someone with whom you can build a profoundly stable partnership. She's got to be able to believe what you're telling her about your limitations, your relationship history, your feelings for her and about her, what you want and need from her (including space). You have to honor and respect her enough to let her make an informed decision to be with you. You have to be honest about your ability to meet her needs.

And yes, NTs lie to each other all the time. They start relationships under false pretenses. It happens every day. And guess what? Those relationships don't last, either. When you can't believe what your partner is telling you, the relationship is doomed. Asperger's is not an insurmountable barrier to having a lasting, loving partnership. But lying is.

In my experience I do the following.

I don't fake because I cannot. I can endure only so much. However the idea of not being myself to be like another person is all part of the new experiencing of thing. I'm very particular. I don't like loud environments, random new experiences, I like sitting at the same table and going to the same restraunts. I will if I have enough experience with a person push myself a little but ultimately if I reject a new experience and routine I explain this. I might explain sensory overload and meeting new people in a more sensory neutral location and explain it as just how my brain is wired because of all the eye contact and multiple sounds. I don't see how experiencing new things ultimately is ultimately a denial of a neurological diagnosis's in the attempt to be someone I am not.

I am incompatible with random people wanting to go on long trips, parties and just what I like to call crazy random things.

This is where I really have to look at what is being said in this post and figure out the inter-workings of it.

It's funny, because I haven't seen one post of the sort. What I have seen is people giving advice on how to not sound so downtrodden when talking to a woman. Pick your head up, look her in the eye, and talk to her. When asking for her number, don't say "Can I have your number?" You don't need her permission to ask for her number. Do you also need her to hold your sack for you while you pee? If women want to sit around and mope, they can do that on their own. It's a lot harder to have a really good time while by yourself. Sure, it can be done, but it's much easier when with someone else that is sprightly and full of life, instead of mopey and full of crap.

The bottom line is, if you want to attract a mate, you have to pick the right one. It's like you are a general manager with a draft pick. You can tell them all the right things, coach them up the right way, but if you didn't draft the right player, it's all for naught. The best teams don't just coach well. Now, you are the coach. You can recruit any woman you want. You know your coaching philosophy. Who will fit your system best?

Now, before you get your panties in a wad, no, I'm not saying coaching as in order her around. It's simply an analogy. You can only be you, and if you don't pick someone that can help you be you, then all that other stuff doesn't matter. And for the sake of crap, let her be her while she lets you be you! If you expect her to conform to your ideals...well, you better start conforming to hers.

I had to edit my original post because the spell check goofed up and structure was off.

^No worries. I understood you.

Now, I'm sure most of you have never actually done what HopeGrows described, because if you did, you might actually have some insight on it besides 'That's so mean, yada yada" If it's so mean, why do so many men do it, and so many women react to it well? Are women martyrs for punishment? Feminist groups claim sexism and age-old stereotypes, but their whole ideology revolves around making excuses. I've done this process before, and I can tell you from a position of some authority that it does work, and the reason it works is because the women that it works on don't respond to this nice guy crap that HopeGrows describes. I know this because I talked to this girl for about 6 months, and she liked me, but after I started an experiment where I told her exactly what she wanted to hear all the time, she went from liking me as a little more than a friend to being madly in love with me/wanting to marry me. I'm serious! She was going to fly here from Guatemala to meet me and have sex with me for a whole week. Now sure, it was an "internet" relationship, but the same principles apply. If I kept doing what I was doing, I would have been stuck in the friend zone indefinitely. There is a window of opportunity, and when that ships sails, it ain't comin back. It's no different than if a girl shows interest in you as a friend, versus showing interest in you as more than a friend. How long would you wait for her to change her mind before it's too late? If you say "forever" then you are probably going to be alone "forever" unless you can come up with a better answer than that.

I learned so much about women and their signals, and "speaking in code" from talking to her for as long as I did. She messaged me a month ago, saying "last try" and I didn't want to respond, because she turned into a stalker (which is why I stopped talking to her a while back) So if you never do it, how can you ever understand it? That's like reading a driver's handbook front to back, and then acting like you know how to drive a car. Me telling you isn't going to help at all. I could talk from now till doomsday, and you will NEVER EVER get it until you go out there and do it. It's kinda like a foreign language that you've never learned. Sometimes, you have to experience things before you understand them.

Now, this isn't to say I didn't care about her. I still do. But it's best that we don't talk to each other, best for both of us. And if you think I'm a bad person...well, at least I can say I know what I'm talking about, instead of talking out my ass on something I've never experienced before. I'm not a bad person, I'm just a fan of experiments.

I don't think it's an overreaction.
I wouldn't.. cry or hold a grudge or whatever...

I just like to slap people ¬¬.

Oh, sorry about the panties in a wad thing. I say that to everyone, usually guys, because most of my friends are guys. My sister would always say that to me, so now I say it.

And I had no idea you were a girl. I thought you were a guy complaining about the guys on here. Lots of guys do that, as if that makes them so much different from everyone else.

For the record, I didn't know you would get so upset about your panties being in a wad. Now, I have said that at work, and you know what? People laughed. This one girl didn't think it was funny when I said it to her...but I knew she would get mad if I said that, so I said it so she would leave me alone, and she did. Most people that overreact to things like that are too uptight for me to have a meaningful conversation with in the first place.

I won't pretend to be what I'm not, even if it leaves me lonely. You're right, it's not fair to play a charade that you can't maintain to others. Deception is always uncovered in the end, and hurts people.