Trouble talking to guys

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It seems a lot of the girls here don't have trouble talking to guys. How do you do it? Any advice? Its worse when it's not through a familiar environment like a work place where you can ask something about the job.

If i'm at a work function or party I usually join a group and listen to what they say not knowing when to join in and 2 minutes later move to another group and do this all night. Joining conversations in general I can't do. I always end up talking over someone.. Its so HARD!!

I've been in lifts with people who I work with and not said anything and it's extremely awkward.. do you just pipe up "SO how about that bla bla"?

A lot of other girls seem to flirt with the guys when they're talking to them. I can't flirt well, it makes me feel.. unnatural?

Well, I generally don't walk up and speak to them at the mall or anything like that. Most of my social interactions have occurred in the context of school/work, and that is the context in which I speak to guys, as most of my classmates/co-workers have mainly been guys and what I say was usually in the context of some type of work we were doing.

The last time I did spontaneously say something to a guy, it was a cashier at a card shop. I was buying a card for someone's wedding, and I said "Do you think I should buy a sympathy card too, just in case?" And he thought that was quite funny.

I also spoke to the phone company guys when they came over to check the phone but I had a good story to tell, which related to the issue with the phone, and it unfolded in the process of explaining the problem.

On occasion, I do spontaneously say something to a guy when there's no need to. A few months ago I decided to start talking to a guy at a bus stop as I was trying to expose myself to spontaneously talking to people. He was rather polite but he seemed quite glad to jump on his bus....he really did take off rather quickly.

If I find the guy attractive, however, I can't manage to say anything to him.

I cannot flirt. I haven't the faintest clue how to.

I don't have trouble engaging in random conversation. I just don't seem to attract anything.

hale_bopp,

I have read many of your posts and I think you are nice.

Parties, clubs and bars are bad places to meet serious people. You will only meet shallow people there.

Try church groups or book reading groups or service clubs.

If you want to meet smart nerdy guys go to computer meets.
If you want to meet down to earth "macho" guys then go to hot rod shows or pistol shooting ranges.
Join a hiking or bicycle riding club.
Learn to ride a horse or take up archery.
Join a political party.

The "down to earth" genuine guys don't go to nightclubs or pick-up bars.

I swear that if you go to a pistol range then ALL the guys there are going to look at you and think "Wow! A pistol packing chick. I must talk to her."

I generally only initiate conversation with a person if I have something to express to them or if I am interested in something about them, in which case I will either express said thing I want to express or ask about whatever it is I'm interested in. But for more general advice: Comment on something about him or something he said. Ask him about himself. That sort of thing works quite well.



If I'm interested in a guy, I don't just join in a conversation he's a part of. I'm not good at that and I don't like it. Instead, I'll just talk to him directly in a more one-on-one fashion--I'm more comfortable with and interested in this sort of exchange, and it sends out a much clearer "I am/might be interested in you" signal to the man in question.

i just say what i want to say to whoever i want to say it to.
i do not ever think about how they will receive it.
if i want to say something, then i will say it. i do not understand why people moderate what they say based upon how people may hear it.

if people hear me with an incorrect assumption, it is not my fault.

i rarely wish to say things to people in real life because i think the fact that i thought what to say is sufficient.

in my world, i am the only person who i really want to understand what i think. then when i do understand it, i may blurt it out, but i am satisfied that i understand, and the understanding of others is inconsequential to me.

I still can't really talk to guys I don't know... or girls for that matter. I normally meet people through roleplaying societies, so I'll either talk to them first in character which sort of breaks the ice, or I'll slowly get to know them by being there and being fairly quiet when my friends are talking to them until the point where I'm comfortable enough to join in. I think I can normally just get away with appearing friendly but fairly shy.

In large gatherings of people I always stick with the people I know. If I don't know anyone at a gathering I'll most often hide in the corner and wait for it to go away... if people come over and say hello I'll talk to them though.

I talk to girls online first

It takes me forever to work up the guts or even know what to say to people I meet in person, guys or girls. It helps when they're friends of friends...it makes it that much more likely that we'll have a common interest...if they're lucky, they'll hit on one of mine and I'll yap their ears off and hopefully not frighten them away

It's funny once I do open up to them though, they're always like "You used to be so quiet, now you won't shut up."

Hi hale_bopp. I especially like the replies of Wombat and Kaybee in this thread. I can't add anything except to say as Wombat noted from your posts you seem nice, and from the photo you posted in the picture thread I can see you are very pretty.

I hope you find who you are looking for. As I get older, I don't crave companionship as much as I used to, partly because the hormones are fewer but also because I don't buy into the programming by society so much any more, the programming that you have to have a mate. Through my teens and twenties though I seldom thought of anything else and was lonely a lot.

I'm glad you share on the WP forums. Speaking for myself it helps my self-image to know I'm not the only one with social or sensory issues, and that being wired differently than most people might not be better or worse except in certain contexts.

Reminded me of a saying:
"You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs"

Making mistakes is inevitable, esspecially when it's hard for you. Just make 'm and learn from them.

The advices in the above posts are also good advices.

Cheerfully,
Wallourdes

Can always start by being casual. "Hello." "good morning, evening, etc." "How are you?" then you can go into more specific topics, "What did you think of this?" "Did you know this?" etc, etc. Try to get yourself comfortable just basically conversing. The flirting bit will come along the more you do this. Flirting only happens when you're comfortable.

I'm not sure what things women can say that are flirty besides overly blunt things like "I like your butt, etc." I think women flirt more with actions like their look and touch. Women tend to really like guys when they start casually touching them or finding reason to do so.
If you're looking for dates you could always try casually mentioning that "You have nothing to do tonight." or something of the likes to indicate availability. Guys always wonder if a gal is taken and most will assume a gorgeous gal like yourself has a BF, so make some attempt to show your availability.

I dislike the group, party environment of meeting people. It is the NT way of doing things, but unfortunately doesn't work well for people on the spectrum. Too many distractions that makes it tough to focus on getting to know someone. I guess if you have to socialize at these events, try to find others who are off by themselves and talk to them. Only pay attention to groups that are talking about something of interest to you(like your department, or something you work on, or an outside interest you know about).

As for feeling unnatural, you have just have to keep at it. I don't know what you think of yourself in terms in attractiveness, but start thinking of yourself as flirt worthy. Believe in it. NTs are much better at picking up on "fakeness" than a spectrumite so don't feel fake about what you do or say. If a guy pays you a compliment, like liking your new hair color, be happy about it and thank them, with a smile. If you catch some guy checking you out, try to think of it in a more positive way of confirming your attractiveness instead of thinking negatively of a creepy observer; you don't have to say anything or confront(unless there's a real problem).

Not sure if any of that helps. It's from a guy perspective and I work with lots of women so some of this is from my own observations.

i'm apparently just like a bulldozer. i bust into conversations and don't worry too much about when my turn is. i talk to people wherever and whenever i see them (my husband jokes that i walk around saying, "hi friend!"). i just sort of assume people will be happy to talk to me.

sometimes it backfires and i annoy people or get left out of the conversation anyways, but most of the time it works out okay. if i find someone attractive i tease them mercilessly while never looking at them directly as they make me nervous. it's complicated.

attraction-wise, i misread signals and often get the wrong idea completely. i either don't notice someone is attracted to me, or i think they are totally into me when they are not. blunt questions have worked for me.

The last bit is really the issue here. If i'm attracted to a guy I can't say anything. Not even a hello. So they automatically think i'm weird unfriendly or hate them. The was a guy I liked and kind of obsessed over a couple of years back. He probably thought I didn't like him because I was friendly to most people and couldn't say anything to him, it was so embarassing.

I'm not really on the prowl, so I don't want to go out of my way to meet people, nor am I looking for places to meet them. I'm best left to my own devices. The trouble is when I do meet them, whether it be a pub, work, an aspergers support group, whatever, I just can't say anything, mainly if I find the guy attractive.

This is on friendship terms as well as dating, i've missed out on some potentially awesome friends because of this.

God, you're miles ahead of me in every way shape and form. If I could do those things there wouldn't be a problem. If I asked how they were I would go beetroot red and stutter. Talking to them one on one sounds so hard i'd almost rather be force fed poison.

Also thanks everyone else for the replies.

Saying anything to majority of people is ridiculously hard, until the ice is broken. Certain guys though I would like to be able to approach more (some guys is ok.. others are harder to approach)