To All the Ex-Partners Looking for an Explanation....

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Cheers.. on top of that, I found my passion in life... doing presentation on my life with AS and how I did it. First presentation was this evening before 20 people for 90 minutes, which ended up in a rousing applause.

Wow - that's incredible. Congratulations on this milestone, and on your great success.

Women who Love Too Much and the Men who etc book are both awesome. I believe they were written 20 years ago but still apply today, I dont think there are any more helpful books for women who are in this situation.

I have just been coldly and unceremoniously dumped by my Aspie BF of 11 years. I came here looking for answers because he refuses to speak to me. It is comforting to see that I'm not alone but sad to see that this probably could have been predicted. He has told me that he doesn't need to give me a reason for ending our relationship. I am currently an utter mess, in case I need to state that.

I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?

Hi @talulah. I'm very sorry you're going through this difficult experience. I don't think your break-up (or the way your ex chose to handle it) was particularly predictable. Asperger's isn't the only predictor of how a person will behave. There are certainly co-morbidities to consider, but there's also another important factor: character. Character plays an important part in determining what any person - Aspie or NT - will consider "acceptable" or "decent" behavior. So don't beat yourself up over the belief that you should have seen this devastating incident coming; there are far too many variables at work.

To your question about the implication that loving an Aspie is a partner's pathological problem: no, that's not the implication. These books attempt to demystify why women choose partners who are not the best for them. None of the books mentioned deal with Aspies specifically. I've chosen a mate or two (non-Aspie) who were incapable of being good partners...books like these helped me understand the impact that my own emotional and psychological health had on the choices I made when it came to partners. They may not be applicable to you at all (you may want to read the jackets before you put your time into reading them). Anyway, I'm very sorry for your loss...I hope you're able to find some answers, and/or at least some peace. Take care.

@HopeGrows: Thanks very much. I'm going to post a long rambling version of my story in another thread because, dammit, I just can't help myself. I need to overshare right now. I'm finding this forum helpful, though. I'm seeing some painful reality in here. I definitely "loved too much." I thought I could do it all myself. Why not, I did everything else in the relationship?

Talulah - I am so sorry for your loss, and I can appreciate your pain. It is a bereavement process that you are going through and expect to feel all the emotions of anger, hurt, disbelief and sadness. Being dumped without a reason is a terrible shock, and having all contact severed with your best friend, overnight is gutting.

It maybe that your ex is simply behaving badly, but sometimes there are other explanations as to why guys do this sometimes. I put this issue to the forum and got some very helpful and insightful answers - have a look at the recent thread on this forum: Break-up - Aspie Style!!

I hope this helps, however sometimes only time can really do that. Just keep your head up, keep your dignity and remember that you can get through this

Maggie xx

When I read Talulah's story, the douche thing is coming to mind again.

Every time I read a story like this it opens my wounds again. My ex dumped me, now six months ago, and was kinda distant to me for a month before that (didn't really explain why he was "backing off" despite my asking) and won't talk to me even to talk about why. I made my last ditch attempt to contact him about 3-4 weeks ago and got hung up on, and I'm trying very hard to move on, but without the explanation I need it's so hard. I kindasortawellmaybe know why, but it's so vague I'm having trouble not blaming myself, even though he has said it's not my fault.

Ugh... Maybe I should stay out of this whole L/D forum for a while...why do ppl DO this???? I wish they wouldn't.

~Kate

Kate, if you want you can PM me, you dont have to though but I have things I can suggest about your situation.

Honestly, Kate - people behave that way because there's something wrong with them - that is not about Asperger's. It's painful and it's awful and it hurts - but it is so not about you. I know it doesn't help that much to hear it, but I believe it's the truth.