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gabrielstigmatic
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17 Jan 2011, 12:44 am

So, I tend to make eye contact a lot with women that I'm attracted to. In fact, they're the only people I make eye contact with for long periods of time. Otherwise, I'm an aspie in most respects. I sometimes wonder if other Aspies experience this. When I make eye contact for too long, I start to feel my cognitive functions lessening. Maybe this is why I've never had much luck with women I'm attracted to.

They probably think I'm a big dumb ass who just is all ogle-eyed. I'm not really asking for advice, I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this opposite problem. The not knowing of when it's too much eye contact in this case.

Note: I feel like I somewhat realize when it is unwanted. Either that or I think it's unwanted and then quit doing it just like with everyone, and then end up not really communicating with them other than hi and bye.



sgrannel
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17 Jan 2011, 1:29 am

Yes, and this is called staring. Also, the difference between staring and being seductive lies in whether the other person wants you looking at her. I sometimes look too much at new people who are likely to be seen again by me because I want a good imprint so I will remember what they look like. If I don't look enough, then it's likely I won't recognize them if I see them in places I haven't seen them before. Also, the eye contact is something I try to do because I don't want to appear hostile, shunned, or paranoid. Getting the right balance between too much eye contact or too little is difficult.


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firestar
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17 Jan 2011, 11:28 am

I have a similar problem but for me people seem to get just as bothered by me not looking at them in the eyes which makes no sense to me.

People have complained to me for not looking them in the eyes but also because I looked them in the eyes. I am for lack of a better word a very stand out person in public I just look very 'odd' compared to most people even though i dress in designer clothes and am a clean cut person in how i present myself. Some people react very strange to me when i make eye contact with them but it seems to make me more uncomfortable than it does them even if it is an attractive girl. Either i become too intense to them or they become to intense for me during eye contact. Sometimes i even feel a bit dazed or queasy when over eye contact happens. Not all eye contact is avoidable though if someone is in my path or i am forced to interact with someone for example. I visually "scan" sometimes in public or generally at least try to grasp my surroundings by giving most people in my vicinity at least a once over glance. You never know when you might miss something.

To solve this problem i never ever leave home without my shades and wear them as much as possible like a blind man in public.



gabrielstigmatic
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17 Jan 2011, 2:52 pm

Hahaha! I did that for a while, but then people starting singing at me, "I wear my suunnn glasses at night!" I got a little to reliant on them and began to wear them at night time when I knew I was going to hang out with people. It really is hard for me to balance. It's not like I go out and say, "I want to freak out girls that I like today by giving them too much eye contact; then realize what I did and be embarrassed."

It just kind of happens. Just like with most people I can't really make eye contact with them for too long or it makes me feel all weird an uncomfortable. I tried for a long time just forcing it and making eye contact with people as long as they would with me. But no matter how much I did it, it still made it difficult for me to cognitively process things and it made me feel uneasy. I figure it's never really going to get better.

I'm fine being alone, it's better than either a) being with someone I'm not really interested in and stringing them along. Or b) trying to be with someone I'm really interested in and just being strung along. Relationships just don't seem to mix well with me, I'm too odd.



raef
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02 Apr 2011, 11:59 am

There's a logical explanation to your problem.

During an interaction with another human being, we observe, and our brains actively process things such as the voice tone, body language, and the content of the speech. However, the most processing-power-hungry activity your brain is engaged in is the observation and the decoding of the facial expressions.

A study was done once (can't find the link) where the subjects were hooked up to an EEG to monitor their brain activity during a social interaction. Their ability to communicate their message fully and coherently were measured during two specific methods of communication. The first method was when the subjects were looking directly in the eyes of their conversation partner while trying to quickly structure and verbalize a coherent sentence. The second method was to do the same while the subjects were looking towards the direction of the face, but not directly in the eyes of the partner.

EEG readings showed that when the subjects were looking in the eyes, their brain activity was overwhelming. It was concluded that when one is looking directly in the eyes while in a conversation, the majority of the available brain "processing power" is going towards processing of the facial expressions instead of using it for verbalizing the message properly.

It now makes perfect sense that a good balance between eye contact and no eye contact is extremely important in ensuring a good social interaction experience.



Daredevil-Aspie
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02 Apr 2011, 2:23 pm

sgrannel wrote:
Yes, and this is called staring. Also, the difference between staring and being seductive lies in whether the other person wants you looking at her.


Eeeehhh. . . I wouldn't say that. A person can dislike you, but still want to be in bed with you.

The difference between staring and being seductive, as far as I understand, is HOW you are staring into her eyes. The OP seems to be "deer in the headlights". Which comes off as funky.

If he did it with normally-lidded eyes, like he was staring into her eyes casually, then I think that would be considered seductive.

At least moreso than what he's been doing.



Severus
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02 Apr 2011, 2:46 pm

I myself prefer to avoid eye contact but if I do, I seem to make people uncomfortable. It's only lately that I realise that the eyes of 'normal' people move around, following the eye movement of the other person or sweeping their face while I stare fixedly at people's pupils or the bridge of their nose. Like one would normally look at an unanimated object.
I only stare at people for some seconds but it seems to make them feel uncomfortable nevertheless.



Sirius
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02 Apr 2011, 9:28 pm

gabrielstigmatic wrote:
So, I tend to make eye contact a lot with women that I'm attracted to. In fact, they're the only people I make eye contact with for long periods of time. Otherwise, I'm an aspie in most respects. I sometimes wonder if other Aspies experience this. When I make eye contact for too long, I start to feel my cognitive functions lessening. Maybe this is why I've never had much luck with women I'm attracted to.

They probably think I'm a big dumb ass who just is all ogle-eyed. I'm not really asking for advice, I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this opposite problem. The not knowing of when it's too much eye contact in this case.

Note: I feel like I somewhat realize when it is unwanted. Either that or I think it's unwanted and then quit doing it just like with everyone, and then end up not really communicating with them other than hi and bye.


No, I am pretty much the same way too, except I can't even make eye contact with women for extended periods of time before my mind turns blank and I can't formulate any sentences, or say anything relevant. I am 41 and am still working on this but it is indeed a challenge.