Dealing with grief in your relationship

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Hello All,

I'm still pretty new here, I've been a long time lurker though

I'm in a very serious relationship that I have been slowly building. We've been together 2 years now and it's safe to say that we still love each other. The relationship is going so well that I'm planning on proposing next year. She is NT, I have AS.

Back in November, my girlfriend injured her back while seeing a personal trainer. She accidentally herniated a disc in her back. My girlfriend was always a very energetic, athletic and spunky girl. The injury literally took all of that energy and spunk from her. She's living life as a cripple at 23.

After many physical therapy sessions and steroid injections to improve the situation, her doctors decided that she needed surgery. At first she was resistant to do it, but I conveyed to her that it's way too early for me to be pushing her around in a wheelchair.

She had the surgery on Thursday. The surgery went well, but the recovery has not been going very well. Her body has been rejecting the pain medication and she's horribly sick from the anesthetics. Now, I realize that she's going through a ton of pain and stress from this whole thing, but I never realized how much grief it would cause me. I'm so burnt out from her being sick. I want nothing but for her to be better. It's so bad that I'm now to the point where major depression has set in for me. I'm having an extremely hard time functioning. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to leave my apartment. I have to work tomorrow and I'm so depressed that I'm not too sure if I'm going to make it to work tomorrow. Typically, I'm able to shake hardships off enough to be able to function in daily life. For some reason this situation is getting the best of me, but reality is that it shouldn't. My girlfriend will be fine and she will eventually recover.

I've been able to cope with AS and function fairly normally in life. The one aspect of AS I have not been able to figure out how to cope with is depression. Any suggestions of how to deal with it?

I guess my question is, how do I deal with this? I need to go to work tomorrow, tuesday, wednesday etc. I need to be able to continue functioning while my girlfriend is recovering. An even bigger question to me is, why am I so depressed over this? Reality is, she will recover. In a few weeks she will be totally fine. There really is no reason why I should be so deeply depressed over this.

For now, don't worry about why; that's too complicated and downward pulling.

Break your problem into one bite right now. Just get yourself to work on time tomorrow. One objective.

Once at work your angst will probably lift enough to perform the work you are competant at and familiar with.

The best to you both.

I am very sorry to hear of your plights. My fiancee had a bad accident before I met him and needed two back surgeries. At 24, his body became ruined. The road to recovery is very long. He's doing better now and is back to work. I guess that's why physically disabled people call the non-physically disabled "temporarily able-bodied." That probably doesn't cheer you any. But, it's a truth, as I've found out. What kind of surgery is she having that will only take a few weeks to recover, if you don't mind me asking?
I am not good with depression and anxiety, either, as I tend to obsess. But, there are good things to obsess about, like doing nice things for your loved one. Like, do something really nice that will take you out of your misery and make things a bit better on her, whatever it is you two do, or something to really show you care. It's obviously easier said than done. But, it will provide emotional support and involvement.
Um, idk. Does this help? It was really hard with my fiancee. I used to give him back massages and just spent time with him. I can't really remember what else, because it was long ago, and we lived in separate places, so it was a bit tough. He really appreciated it, though, I think.
Well, welcome to WP. I wish the both of you well.

You're right. That should be my number one focus for now. I think I'm getting overwhelmed with everything that's going on and I'm not able to think things through clearly.



She's had a discectomy and laminectomy. Fully recovered in a few weeks is kind of an exaggeration. It will be a few weeks until she's able to do normal every day things and return to work. It's going to take months to fully recover. Reality is, her back will never be perfect after the surgery, but it should bring her out of a disabilitating state.

Thank you all for the advice so far.

Well besides that first step out of bed.

Don't think you need to keep it all to yourself. Go visit her. It is her pain that is the motion for your grief, be with her and help her heal mentally as well. Should that not be enough motivation?

It's hard to see a loved one in pain and to not be able to do anything, it's even hard to see a loved one stressed and to not be able to do anything about it. As has already been said, it's probable at this time that your depression stems from her physical and emotional pain. The fact that she will be better in a while doesn't change the fact that she's in pain now.

About the pain meds and anesthetics, is it possible that she needs different pain meds and should someone tell her doctor that she's having a bad reaction to the anesthetics? There are many different types of pain meds and so there should be one available that doesn't react so badly for her.

(((hugs)))

this is a huge test for your relationship. you might see it as your own problem with your depression and so on, but essentially you're dealing with a massive change in the dynmaics between you two. she is probably quite a different person from this experience, and rightly so - chronic pain and debilitation can fundamentally alter a person's perspective/personality/mood.

at this point, i think it is mportant to support her as much as you can, but keep in mind that you do not need to be her sole source of support. friends, family and professionals can all assist you to be there for her both physically and emotionally.

and make sure to take care of yourself by relying on your own sources of emotional support. if you are running on empty, you will not be able to help her much at all, and the strain could cause more depression or a problem between you.

one of the reasons you are probably struggling is because you most likely feel like you can't share a lot of your feelings with her. after all, she is recovering from surgery, she has chronic physical problems, and the last thing she needs is to hear of your struggles, right? well, that's why it is important to get support from other people, then when she is recovered enough she needs to know that you are having problems. you don't have to be so strong that you don't falter; it is okay to be human, and there should come a time when she can offer some small support to you too.

maybe talking to a counsellor in the time being may help you somewhat because there are probably some emotions boiling inside that are causing you some distress, and you may feel guilty about feeling them at all. it is pretty common to have some hidden resentment, anger, sadness (even grief, or being burnt out like you said), and getting those feelings out in the open may help you to cope with the situation.

Thanks for the support guys! This is a really nice community.

Well, I made it to work today. I was actually quite surprised how work actually helped my anxiety and depression. It really took my mind off the whole thing. I feel much better. I'm feeling a lot better about the whole situation.

As far as my girlfriend, she's doing much better now. Her mom (who's taking care of her right now) ended up figuring out that she was over-prescribed meds. There was a scare last night. She had a fever and passed out from the meds. They cut the pain meds in half and she's pretty much fine now and on the road to recovery.

Again, thanks for the support!