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Relationships- Solution for feeling lonely?

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Candles15
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13 Nov 2011, 10:32 am

Is it just me or does anyone else find most people look for someone who's opposite sex and maybe for a relationship when they are lonely.It's like they think getting in to a relationship will solve all their problems when actually most relationships only cause more stress and pain after a while. I recon relationships are great when you're lonely for couple of months but as soon as they get bored of you, you fall again but this time you fall harder. I think I went through that phase for a while but I soon realised getting in to a relationship isn't the answer for depression or feeling lonely. You gotta be happy and comfortable in yourself first before looking for someone else, If you get me..

What does everyone think?



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13 Nov 2011, 11:04 am

It depends on the relationship. It's definitely possible to feel more lonely while in one, if there's an unhealthy dynamic to it.



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13 Nov 2011, 11:10 am

Candles15 wrote:
Is it just me or does anyone else find most people look for someone who's opposite sex and maybe for a relationship when they are lonely.It's like they think getting in to a relationship will solve all their problems when actually most relationships only cause more stress and pain after a while. I recon relationships are great when you're lonely for couple of months but as soon as they get bored of you, you fall again but this time you fall harder. I think I went through that phase for a while but I soon realised getting in to a relationship isn't the answer for depression or feeling lonely. You gotta be happy and comfortable in yourself first before looking for someone else, If you get me..

What does everyone think?


I disagree, I think getting into unhealthy relationships can be a learning experience and you can definitely take away from it and narrow down what's right or compatible for you or what you want from a relationship or future partner. If you shut yourself in a bubble, you'll never learn from past experiences or current ones.



Candles15
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13 Nov 2011, 11:32 am

Wolfheart wrote:
Candles15 wrote:
Is it just me or does anyone else find most people look for someone who's opposite sex and maybe for a relationship when they are lonely.It's like they think getting in to a relationship will solve all their problems when actually most relationships only cause more stress and pain after a while. I recon relationships are great when you're lonely for couple of months but as soon as they get bored of you, you fall again but this time you fall harder. I think I went through that phase for a while but I soon realised getting in to a relationship isn't the answer for depression or feeling lonely. You gotta be happy and comfortable in yourself first before looking for someone else, If you get me..

What does everyone think?


I disagree, I think getting into unhealthy relationships can be a learning experience and you can definitely take away from it and narrow down what's right or compatible for you or what you want from a relationship or future partner. If you shut yourself in a bubble, you'll never learn from past experiences or current ones.


Yeah, I agree with you there but then don't you think it takes a while to pick yourself up. Soon after you brake up you find yourself wondering what to do with your life and That can't be good If your life was a mess to start with. but definitely, After you get over it, you definitely get stronger.



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13 Nov 2011, 11:51 am

Candles15 wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Candles15 wrote:
Is it just me or does anyone else find most people look for someone who's opposite sex and maybe for a relationship when they are lonely.It's like they think getting in to a relationship will solve all their problems when actually most relationships only cause more stress and pain after a while. I recon relationships are great when you're lonely for couple of months but as soon as they get bored of you, you fall again but this time you fall harder. I think I went through that phase for a while but I soon realised getting in to a relationship isn't the answer for depression or feeling lonely. You gotta be happy and comfortable in yourself first before looking for someone else, If you get me..

What does everyone think?


I disagree, I think getting into unhealthy relationships can be a learning experience and you can definitely take away from it and narrow down what's right or compatible for you or what you want from a relationship or future partner. If you shut yourself in a bubble, you'll never learn from past experiences or current ones.


Yeah, I agree with you there but then don't you think it takes a while to pick yourself up. Soon after you brake up you find yourself wondering what to do with your life and That can't be good If your life was a mess to start with. but definitely, After you get over it, you definitely get stronger.


I do think people need to do what's right for them rather than being forced into an unhealthy or abusive relationship through fear of loneliness or peer pressure but I think it's good to keep an open heart. I think people need to understand their limits and what's best for them and make rational and logical choices when it comes to relationships.

For example, It's similar to saying a person who isn't in a position of financial stability or someone who suffers from suicidal depression shouldn't give birth but people still do it and manage to survive and in some cases, go on to have happy, productive and stable lives.



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13 Nov 2011, 11:59 am

At the end of the day, you can't live in a bubble because you're afraid that you'll never experience or find true love, people don't marry with the intention of splitting up, life does throw the unexpected at us and we can only grow by dealing with it. You just have to hope for the best and go with what you feel is right, nobody plans to end up in a situation of abuse or hurt. If you completely give up and become bitter and negative about relationships simply because of a few setbacks, you're selling yourself short.



Candles15
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13 Nov 2011, 12:27 pm

I think out experiences makes us who we are. I was just expressing my opinion. If you get in to something expecting the worst, you don't feel as bad If it doesn't end the way you wanted it to. but in terms of relationships, I'm not afraid that I won't find true love. tbh, relationships can be amazing but I think people who get in to them just because they are emotionally unstable are just looking for the easy way out. It's great in the short term but not in the long term.
I'm not negative about relationships but I don't think I want one right now. Relationships aren't for everyone.
I was expressing how I felt it's not healthy to get in to a relationship when you are lonely. You should get in to one when you're ready not when you're in need. Nothing to do with being afraid to do anything. I'm actually the opposite



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13 Nov 2011, 1:36 pm

If a (good) relationship isn't the solution to being lonely, what is? I have a very intense need for intimate physical contact... not necessarily sex, but intimate enough that only a romantic partner would suffice. It's only in moments like that where I feel like my life is actually worth something, that things might actually not suck...



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13 Nov 2011, 1:37 pm

Hi.

I think you both have good points. It's worth being philosophical about relationships, because you should live your life no matter your feelings and fears, and that includes not being a relationship when it suits you. There is no need to be in a relationship, and no need not to be in a relationship.

I dated someone this year, and sometimes I think I shouldn't have, because I was still suffering from some depression and PTSD. But I prefer to look at things more positively, because the truth is I got alot out of it and hopefully they did too, even though it didn't work out in the end.

I've found some wonderful friends over the last year and recently I've been wondering if I could have romantic feelings for any of them. I realised that it's just because I've been feeling lonely, although this time lonliness isn't sitting alongside depression, so it's been easier for me to see how I really feel. I love my friends and their friendship means alot to me. If I'd had romantic feelings for them I would've persued that route already. I'm happy they are my friends. I guess I know now that I'm after a romantic relationship with someone who shares the same good qualities as my friends! Well, that's what I'm taking from it! For now!

I'm happily single for the moment, but I have an open mind and heart :-)



Candles15
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13 Nov 2011, 2:33 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
If a (good) relationship isn't the solution to being lonely, what is? I have a very intense need for intimate physical contact... not necessarily sex, but intimate enough that only a romantic partner would suffice. It's only in moments like that where I feel like my life is actually worth something, that things might actually not suck...


Maybe a good friend? Some Relationships can be amazing but lets be honest, things aren't going to work out that easily are they? There's always something that will come between you. That's why I think it's quite important to have some good friends first who you can rely on just in case things do go wrong.. Imagine loneliness+break down of a relationship..not good! I suppose, it's not easy as it sounds to find a good friend but still, I don't think a relationship is the answer for loneliness. You need to be stable within yourself first. Being lonely can first of all make you very vulnerable and secondly, make you seem really desperate when it comes to relationship.



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13 Nov 2011, 2:42 pm

Wolfheart wrote:
Candles15 wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Candles15 wrote:
Is it just me or does anyone else find most people look for someone who's opposite sex and maybe for a relationship when they are lonely.It's like they think getting in to a relationship will solve all their problems when actually most relationships only cause more stress and pain after a while. I recon relationships are great when you're lonely for couple of months but as soon as they get bored of you, you fall again but this time you fall harder. I think I went through that phase for a while but I soon realised getting in to a relationship isn't the answer for depression or feeling lonely. You gotta be happy and comfortable in yourself first before looking for someone else, If you get me..

What does everyone think?


I disagree, I think getting into unhealthy relationships can be a learning experience and you can definitely take away from it and narrow down what's right or compatible for you or what you want from a relationship or future partner. If you shut yourself in a bubble, you'll never learn from past experiences or current ones.


Yeah, I agree with you there but then don't you think it takes a while to pick yourself up. Soon after you brake up you find yourself wondering what to do with your life and That can't be good If your life was a mess to start with. but definitely, After you get over it, you definitely get stronger.


I do think people need to do what's right for them rather than being forced into an unhealthy or abusive relationship through fear of loneliness or peer pressure but I think it's good to keep an open heart. I think people need to understand their limits and what's best for them and make rational and logical choices when it comes to relationships.

For example, It's similar to saying a person who isn't in a position of financial stability or someone who suffers from suicidal depression shouldn't give birth but people still do it and manage to survive and in some cases, go on to have happy, productive and stable lives.



My thoughts:

(1) Know what qualities you seek in a viable romantic match (your laundry list of sorts) and your relationship goals before you begin dating. So it would seem this would enable you to target the type of person you seek (with whom you would be compatible) and it would enable you to determine if you and the person you are dating have similar relationship goals. Why bother dating someone if you don't want the same end goal(s)???

(2) Ensure you are emotionally available before you date someone new. In my opinion, it is both unfair to yourself and the new person you are dating if you have residual feelings (negative or positive) left over from your last relationship!! I don't think rebound relationships ever work.



Last edited by HopefulRomantic on 13 Nov 2011, 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Candles15
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13 Nov 2011, 2:43 pm

SoundOfRain wrote:
Hi.

I think you both have good points. It's worth being philosophical about relationships, because you should live your life no matter your feelings and fears, and that includes not being a relationship when it suits you. There is no need to be in a relationship, and no need not to be in a relationship.

I dated someone this year, and sometimes I think I shouldn't have, because I was still suffering from some depression and PTSD. But I prefer to look at things more positively, because the truth is I got alot out of it and hopefully they did too, even though it didn't work out in the end.

I've found some wonderful friends over the last year and recently I've been wondering if I could have romantic feelings for any of them. I realised that it's just because I've been feeling lonely, although this time lonliness isn't sitting alongside depression, so it's been easier for me to see how I really feel. I love my friends and their friendship means alot to me. If I'd had romantic feelings for them I would've persued that route already. I'm happy they are my friends. I guess I know now that I'm after a romantic relationship with someone who shares the same good qualities as my friends! Well, that's what I'm taking from it! For now!

I'm happily single for the moment, but I have an open mind and heart :-)


Hi :)

Well, thanks :) and true, I agree with you. And yes, you can learn a lot in a relationship that will hopefully make you a better relationship. I don't regret my past relationships either but I wish I was more stable back then. I was just an emotional mess and getting in to a relationship made everything better for a while but afterwards, it made me feel much worse.

I'm glad! And yeah, I get that too! but then I realise, it's only because I was lonely and just wanted to feel loved. and Yeah, that is true :)



Last edited by Candles15 on 13 Nov 2011, 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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13 Nov 2011, 2:47 pm

Wolfheart wrote:
I disagree, I think getting into unhealthy relationships can be a learning experience and you can definitely take away from it and narrow down what's right or compatible for you or what you want from a relationship or future partner.


I agree with this. Relationships, however good or bad they are, can always teach you valuable things. I also agree with the thought that relationships don't solve problems and cure depression.

I usually find that a good basis for a relationship is general happiness with your own person.



LexF
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13 Nov 2011, 3:33 pm

For me, relationships are always more distractions than solutions.

I would see a solution as something more long-term, more lasting. My relationships tend to last only as long as it takes for her to decide that I'm "hooked" enough for her to start trying to change me. And that's pretty much always 90 days in. No solution to be had there....



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13 Nov 2011, 3:42 pm

Candles15 wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
If a (good) relationship isn't the solution to being lonely, what is? I have a very intense need for intimate physical contact... not necessarily sex, but intimate enough that only a romantic partner would suffice. It's only in moments like that where I feel like my life is actually worth something, that things might actually not suck...


That's why I think it's quite important to have some good friends first who you can rely on just in case things do go wrong..


Plural, friends. Your significant other and yourself are going to be out of sync sometimes. They're too busy, you're too busy, someone's too stressed to be emotionally supportive.

The guys go for hobbies and solo activities, the women usually have a group of close friends.



Candles15
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13 Nov 2011, 4:10 pm

LexF wrote:
For me, relationships are always more distractions than solutions.

I would see a solution as something more long-term, more lasting. My relationships tend to last only as long as it takes for her to decide that I'm "hooked" enough for her to start trying to change me. And that's pretty much always 90 days in. No solution to be had there....


Agreed! :)