Discomfort with Sex, Relationship Issue
09 Jan 2012, 12:03 pm
1: As of 18 months ago, I got out of a 10-year relationship which had grown toxic, wherein my ex said everything she could to make me feel emasculated. She and her new boyfriend (who she'd been cheating on me with for some time) also stole $2000+ worth of my belongings while I was away. I came back to a nearly empty house. I had to move back with my parents for awhile and, I am in the process of losing my house over doing what was necessary to recover from her emotionally and financially traumatic behavior. It's still in the front of my mind.
2: I have been dating a great girl for 6 months. However, I am occasionally perturbed by some parts of her recent past. She had been seeing a guy who was dishonestly leading her on, just to sleep with her - a "friend with benefits." They are no longer friends. I met this guy once, but didn't know it. Whenever she talks about any past boyfriends, especially on sexual matters, I get brief involuntary of "image" or film in my head that I find very upsetting. I have always seen thoughts as pictures, though. My issue is that she has never had an orgasm - and the closest she has been was with the aforementioned person (something she told me early on) - and knowing this is now eroding my sexual confidence greatly. She says I ought to take it as a challenge, but for all my effort, I just feel sad, jealous, and inadequate. Being aware of the situation she came from makes sex feel less significant, less meaningful.
We kept each other up late last night trying to discuss / understand the issue, but went to sleep somewhat upset, defensive, and hurt.
I'm very much in love with her. I don't know what to do at this point. It's a complicated set of factors, and I don't know how to handle them. I love her, but I have no sexual confidence, and the thought of my abilities being measured against a previous partner has recently been distressing. She tells me not to be concerned bout it, but for myself, loving a person intensifies my feeling - and so I can't relate to what she has experienced.
09 Jan 2012, 12:22 pm
She's never had one, with anyone. She has physiological nerve issues, and doubts she even can.
I'm writing only about the negative this morning, if I were to go on & on about the positives, I think that nobody would read the long posts, and help with the issue. I have far more positive aspects about our relationship in my mind generally. We have so many common interests, and are happy generally. Last night was the first upsetting interaction we've even had in that 6 months - so this post today is written from that.
HopeGrows
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09 Jan 2012, 12:51 pm
I'm wondering who diagnosed her with this physiological nerve problem that prevents her from orgasming? Was it a gynecologist? Is that diagnosis based on tests? Did she sustain some kind of injury?
My first thought is to encourage your gf to have this diagnosis confirmed by a specialist. I've never heard of that kind of diagnosis, so I'm wondering about the accuracy.
But look, if this lady is actually physically incapable of achieving an orgasm, then you have to accept that. She's not complaining about the sex, because she's getting something out of it: the physical and emotional intimacy; the happiness she feels in giving you satisfaction; another way to express her love for you, etc. Please don't take that away from her because it's triggering the feelings of emasculation caused by your ex. Your ex ruined your relationship with her - don't let her ruin your current relationship. If your gf can cope with her sexual dysfunction - and you love her - then don't make this a deal-breaker. Good luck.
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ValentineWiggin
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09 Jan 2012, 1:07 pm
Not sure why you see sex in terms of your "abilities", and how you measure up against this or that person she's no longer with, and for good reason?
I don't think an official diagnosis is needed to conclude nerve issues as part of inorgasmia.
I'm not orgasmic because I'm simply not "wired" for it, either. If touch isn't stimulating, then it just isn't.
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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09 Jan 2012, 1:13 pm
And it's certainly reasonable that you request she not talk about former relationships, at least not so graphically. Many non-aspie people make this same request.
Are you taking enough alone time for yourself? For me, I need a lot of alone time, even when in a relationship.
With sex, there's a sensate focus technique where you strive not to reach orgasm. Kind of a zen turnaround in that regard. A conscious decision to enjoy the plateau stage.
09 Jan 2012, 1:23 pm
My first thought is to encourage your gf to have this diagnosis confirmed by a specialist. I've never heard of that kind of diagnosis, so I'm wondering about the accuracy.
It's genuine. A childhood peripheral nervous system disorder. She has damaged nerve endings. Took steriods for years and had to do rehabilitation in the 2nd grade. She has biopsy scars on all her extremities. It's not something I even question.
You're right. This isn't just about me, or how I feel. I've been in the fog of sorts and unable to think rationally in the positive about this subject, strictly because it is painful. I do want to take responsibility for the aspects that are mine to deal with. I don't want to hurt someone I love with my own misplaced feelings. I do have difficulty looking at them - and because they go unattended, they keep coming up. I just don't know how to approach it - because of the pain, I'm only getting the intensity of how I feel. Yes, my ex did destroy the relationship, left me with a terrible sting. I want these feelings, and my confidence back in their proper place. It's not a deal-breaker. It's just something I've never dealt with before.
09 Jan 2012, 1:49 pm
I chock this up to competitiveness, and perhaps a bit of the male testosterone intensity. Being emasculated, and having low self-esteem makes everything seem more competitive, makes everyone seem better at things than you. Sex is particularly vulnerable spot, so it elicits stronger feelings, too.
09 Jan 2012, 3:11 pm
Hypothetically, if she can orgasm herself through self-stimulation, she may be able to orgasm with a partner if they specifically do for her what she does to orgasm herself (ask her or a doctor). But if she doesn't care about sex or an inability to orgasm, you are both satisfied emotionally with your relationship and you love each other than you have nothing to worry about.
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HopeGrows
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09 Jan 2012, 9:10 pm
I think it might be worth consulting a sex therapist about this. He/she will be able to offer some techniques that might work with your gf, and also to help you both deal with the emotions and anxiety this situation is likely provoking. I had a friend who's bf was unable to climax during sex, and I know she felt responsible and guilty about it. He felt responsible and guilty....it was a difficult situation for both of them. A good sex therapist will help you approach this issue in a healthy way, help you establish boundaries, and teach you how to explore new levels of intimacy in loving, positive ways. Since you two love each other - which is important - I hope you're both able to see this as an opportunity to grow closer. Good luck.
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PaintingDiva
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12 Jan 2012, 11:17 am
The OP wrote that the new GF said to take it as his challenge. So she is completely putting this on him.
This seems completely unfair, if she has physical reasons for not being able to reach climax. And telling the OP about this other friend with benefits, also completely unfair and a bit cruel.
The OP needs to take a time out, he was in a long term ten year relationship that ended up being a train wreck. I recommend figuring out and processing all that first. It can take a couple years before you are fully recovered from something like that. And figure out the lessons learned from the old relationship.
Frankly the relationship does not sound promising and the OP is still in a fragile state from previous relationship. He really doesn't need to be in a current relationship that makes him feel bad about himself and his skills in the bedroom.
From a website, moving on after a long relationship, link at bottom of page.
Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup
In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.
Some questions to ask yourself:
Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?
You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.
helpguide.org
03 Feb 2012, 3:39 pm
i just don't see the problem here. people who aren't
virgins obviously comes with past sexual partners
her last partner seems like he was a dick.
and girls tend to get lead on emotionally
and it sucks
and from what I can't tell your a good
guy. and you love her
so whatever she had (or apparently didn't)
with that one guy won't ever compare to
the love it seems you have for her.
the love you guys have for each other
having sex is just the cherry on top.
so don't worry yourself about her past
your the guy she decided to be with and have sex
with now
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