My NT girlfriend rarely or never says she loves me...

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Joined: 16 Mar 2012
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17 Mar 2012, 10:05 am

I have Aspergers and OCD. I've been my NT girlfriend for a couple of months and even talked about perhaps getting married someday which we both would like if things are still good in a couple of years. However lately I get a lot of hugs and kisses but she never says "I love you", when I say it she says "Me too" and when I told her I want her to tell me she loves me more often she said it's difficult and when I asked "But does it mean it's not true then? Why is it so difficult to say if it's the truth?" She said I was the love of her life but she's not the kind of person who expressed her feelings much...

I don't get it, I'm the one who is supposed to be an Aspie and have trouble with that...

Why is it so difficult to say? I need to feel loved and kisses and hugs just won't cut it.

Wolfheart
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17 Mar 2012, 11:37 am

There could be a number of possibilities from what you've told us, you need to ask her and talk to her about it directly, maybe she's traumatized from a past event and doesn't want to tell anyone she loves them until she's completely ready, maybe she places real value on the word love and doesn't want to rush into saying it, maybe she's the type that doesn't enjoy being clingy and over using the word love. There are a number of explanations, just ask her but don't say it in a needy or passive aggressive way which will seem like begging, simply discuss it with her.

The_Face_of_Boo
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17 Mar 2012, 11:42 am

Relax.... you've been together just for a couple of months. Be patient.

IlovemyAspie
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17 Mar 2012, 12:31 pm

I agree with the two previous posts. I am an NT female and it's my experience that some people don't want to throw that word around until they are truly ready. That doesn't mean she doesn't feel strongly for you. It's only been a couple of months. I agree that she may have been in a previous relationship where she dropped the "L" word too soon and got her heart broken. Talk it out with her. This shouldn't be a dealbreaker. You want her to say it to you when she's completely ready and when "I love you" flows freely from her heart it will mean more to you than anything in the world. You'll know that for her to say that to you means she most truly loves you.

nick007
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17 Mar 2012, 1:41 pm

This post seems kind of odd because usually it's the NTs who are unhappy with the Aspies not saying that

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AspieandOCD
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17 Mar 2012, 1:45 pm

nick007 wrote:

This post seems kind of odd because usually it's the NTs who are unhappy with the Aspies not saying that

I say it all the time.

nick007
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17 Mar 2012, 1:51 pm

AspieandOCD wrote:

nick007 wrote:

This post seems kind of odd because usually it's the NTs who are unhappy with the Aspies not saying that

I say it all the time.

I say it a lot as well 1ce I feel it but my personality in a relationship is opposite of the typical Aspie's. Lots of NTs have posted here about their Aspie partner not saying it. I think this is the 1st post I read of an Aspie wanting their NT partner to say it more.
Sorry I don't have much advice here except to try talking to her about it if it's really bothering your. Maybe she only wants to say it when she's sure she feels it, or is afraid to overuse the phrase, or would rather show you affection in other ways.

AScomposer13413
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17 Mar 2012, 2:15 pm

My sentiments pretty much echo everyone else's on this thread. Be patient. Also, depending on how much you already say it, it might be a good idea to back off a bit from saying it. You don't want her to wind up retreating as a result of feeling unable to reciprocate your feelings!

kirayng
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17 Mar 2012, 2:20 pm

A couple of months isn't usually long enough for people to commit to saying I love you with any real frequency. At that stage, it's a good possibility they are in love with you but not comfortable with the more mature version of love which is still down the road for you two. I think it's cool that she wants to be really genuine with you. You may say I love you to her when you're feeling love for her; this is natural for Aspies, I do it and so does my husband. I honestly can't say it if I'm mad at him right then or something because I'm not feeling it. Perhaps it's similar with your girlfriend?

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17 Mar 2012, 2:32 pm

nick007 wrote:

This post seems kind of odd because usually it's the NTs who are unhappy with the Aspies not saying that

oh no, loads of NTs are funny about saying 'I love you' and commitment. loads like to keep things really casual and have a big 'thing' about being heartless and not caring. Aspies are more likely to be openly loving as they tend not to have to prove things or play a social game, but instead be more genuine.

nick007
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17 Mar 2012, 2:46 pm

The-Raven wrote:

nick007 wrote:

This post seems kind of odd because usually it's the NTs who are unhappy with the Aspies not saying that

Maybe but Apsies tend to be much less affectionate & have problems with emotional intimacy compared to NTs which is probably why Aspies are usually the 1s who don't say I Love You. This is probably a topic for another post thou

tronist
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17 Mar 2012, 10:06 pm

and, if you do discuss it with her, and she establishes that she doesnt love you, or that she will never love you, dont feel too bad about it!

it just means she wasnt right for you. you will be much happier in a relationship with someone who can reciprocate. this being said, the words 'i love you' mean a LOT for some people, so it probably just takes her some time. its not like its something you can force upon yourself. also, if she isnt ready to say it, make sure she knows she doesnt have to force it! if you pressure her to feel a way that she isnt currently feeling (like she is in love), then it will push her away, not make her reciprocate!

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18 Mar 2012, 12:02 am

"I want you to say you love me." ..

Will cause a month of love you silence. Because if your physically thinking you need to say something it will never come out. And if your thinking it needs to come out then you won't say it because its not truthful. Atleast it is truthful, but you where asked to say it so you stay quiet. My suggestion would be to give her some space.

The-Raven
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18 Mar 2012, 8:09 am

AspieandOCD wrote:

so she doesnt love you and she doesnt like sex with you, from all your threads i would conclude that she does not want to be with you but has not dumped you yet.

You need to talk to her about all these issues.

Dont beg her or cry if you find she doesnt want you anymore, its not good to stay with someone who does not feel the same way.

talk to her!

ValentineWiggin
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18 Mar 2012, 10:27 am

The-Raven wrote:

AspieandOCD wrote:

so she doesnt love you and she doesnt like sex with you, from all your threads i would conclude that she does not want to be with you but has not dumped you yet.

What hogwash. :roll:

While I don't personally have problems saying "I love you", the idea that someone who isn't desiring of sex in a particular context equals someone not wanting to be with a specific partner is absurd. Some people like me are asexual. Others have been sexually abused. Still others have moral feelings about when they should have sex, and who with. Not everyone is the same.

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The-Raven
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18 Mar 2012, 12:32 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:

The-Raven wrote:

AspieandOCD wrote:

so she doesnt love you and she doesnt like sex with you, from all your threads i would conclude that she does not want to be with you but has not dumped you yet.

What hogwash. :roll:

which is why I said he needed to talk to her about it, to find out what her reasons are :roll:

the bit you left out

The-Raven wrote:

You need to talk to her about all these issues.

Dont beg her or cry if you find she doesnt want you anymore, its not good to stay with someone who does not feel the same way.

talk to her!

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