Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Using girlfriends as doormats

Page 1 of 4 [ 62 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Roman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,298

10 May 2012, 4:02 am

It is common that one of the things that guys are complaining about in LJBF situation is that girls are using them as doormats. Now, I don't mind when girls are using me as doormat; in fact I feel that would bring me closer to them. Yes I hate the idea of LJBF but my distain for it has to do with social status and NOT with the complaining.

But anyway, while I was reading guys complaining about girls using them as doormats all of a sudden I realized that in my case *I* tend to be the one using GIRLS as doormats. I mean most of my conversation topics revolve around my general troubles dating people -- which would implicitly refer to girls other than the girl I am talking to -- as well as my troubles in a career. But it is almost always about myself and almost always about something negative. Now this implies two interesting things;

1. In the usual ''textbook'' scenario, the girl uses the guy as a doormat. In my case, the guy uses the girl as such.

2. In the ''textbook'' scenario when person A uses person B as a doormat, person A is not romantically interested in person B. In my case, I DO want the girl i am talking to to be my ''girlfriend''; in fact, I get majorly pissed off when she LJBF-s me

I was wondering, are the items 1 and 2 I just listed are just me, or do other aspie guys do that? I mean, from the fact that they complain about GIRLS doing it, I would guess they, themselves, would not do it -- which would imply I am unique in this regard. But then again, it is always possible that other aspie guys do that too, they are just being hypocrites so they don't mind doing it themselves while would not like girl doing it to them.

By the way could this be somethign that causes GIRLS to LJBF me. Namely, according to item 2, if I b***h to them it means I don't want to date them. Now I DO want to date them since I am an exception to the rule. But could it be that the girls simply think ''since Roman talks the way 'friends' talk but insists on calling it 'dating' it shows he simply desn't know what the word 'dating' means and are really looking for a friend'' hence they ''do LJBF thing FOR me'' since I won't LJBF them myself? Do you guys think that could be the case?



DogOfJudah
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 30 Apr 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 385
Location: Here

10 May 2012, 4:25 am

LJBF ??



PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

10 May 2012, 4:42 am

DogOfJudah wrote:
LJBF ??

Let's Just Be Friends - LJBF


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


DogOfJudah
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 30 Apr 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 385
Location: Here

10 May 2012, 5:19 am

Im confuzzlecoptered, how are you using them as a doormat ?? Just unloading onto someone is hardly walking all over them :S

PastFixations wrote:
DogOfJudah wrote:
LJBF ??

Let's Just Be Friends - LJBF
Thank you :)



Roman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,298

10 May 2012, 5:29 am

DogOfJudah wrote:
Im confuzzlecoptered, how are you using them as a doormat ?? Just unloading onto someone is hardly walking all over them :S


In this case, the guys can't complain that girls use them as doormats either. I mean the ''unloading'' is precisely what guys are complaining girls do, and they were the ones who used the word ''doormat''; I simply borrowed that word from them.



PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

10 May 2012, 5:40 am

Roman wrote:
It is common that one of the things that guys are complaining about in LJBF situation is that girls are using them as doormats. Now, I don't mind when girls are using me as doormat; in fact I feel that would bring me closer to them.

Is it not possible that they were taken in by a dominant female?
Plus if I might add, it may bring you closer but you are caught up in it that you may not know what you are getting yourself into whereas she does because of her dominance.


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

10 May 2012, 5:40 am

Roman wrote:
It is common that one of the things that guys are complaining about in LJBF situation is that girls are using them as doormats. Now, I don't mind when girls are using me as doormat; in fact I feel that would bring me closer to them. Yes I hate the idea of LJBF but my distain for it has to do with social status and NOT with the complaining.

But anyway, while I was reading guys complaining about girls using them as doormats all of a sudden I realized that in my case *I* tend to be the one using GIRLS as doormats. I mean most of my conversation topics revolve around my general troubles dating people -- which would implicitly refer to girls other than the girl I am talking to -- as well as my troubles in a career. But it is almost always about myself and almost always about something negative. Now this implies two interesting things;

1. In the usual ''textbook'' scenario, the girl uses the guy as a doormat. In my case, the guy uses the girl as such.

2. In the ''textbook'' scenario when person A uses person B as a doormat, person A is not romantically interested in person B. In my case, I DO want the girl i am talking to to be my ''girlfriend''; in fact, I get majorly pissed off when she LJBF-s me

I was wondering, are the items 1 and 2 I just listed are just me, or do other aspie guys do that? I mean, from the fact that they complain about GIRLS doing it, I would guess they, themselves, would not do it -- which would imply I am unique in this regard. But then again, it is always possible that other aspie guys do that too, they are just being hypocrites so they don't mind doing it themselves while would not like girl doing it to them.

By the way could this be somethign that causes GIRLS to LJBF me. Namely, according to item 2, if I b***h to them it means I don't want to date them. Now I DO want to date them since I am an exception to the rule. But could it be that the girls simply think ''since Roman talks the way 'friends' talk but insists on calling it 'dating' it shows he simply desn't know what the word 'dating' means and are really looking for a friend'' hence they ''do LJBF thing FOR me'' since I won't LJBF them myself? Do you guys think that could be the case?


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


Roman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,298

10 May 2012, 5:45 am

PastFixations wrote:
Roman wrote:
It is common that one of the things that guys are complaining about in LJBF situation is that girls are using them as doormats. Now, I don't mind when girls are using me as doormat; in fact I feel that would bring me closer to them.

Is it not possible that they were taken in by a dominant female?
Plus if I might add, it may bring you closer but you are caught up in it that you may not know what you are getting yourself into whereas she does because of her dominance.


Maybe we are confused about the word "doormat". It seems to have two meanings:

a) Someone to unload to.

b) Someone to walk all over

I was using meaning "a" in my original post. But in order for you to say she is dominant, you must be using meaning "b" (you don't have to be dominant in order to unload). And it seems like DogOfJudah was also using meaning "b" as well.



edgewaters
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,427
Location: Ontario

10 May 2012, 5:47 am

DogOfJudah wrote:
Im confuzzlecoptered, how are you using them as a doormat ??


Same here. I knew what LJBF was but the whole post was no more intelligible to me for it.

Mind you, I'm puzzled at the concept of feeling maltreated because a friend won't let you have intercourse with them, too. "Doormat" to me is something one does to oneself, by being obsequious with some expectation that it will result in intercourse. It's a Gollum-like state.



DogOfJudah
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 30 Apr 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 385
Location: Here

10 May 2012, 6:16 am

Quote:
Maybe we are confused about the word "doormat". It seems to have two meanings:

a) Someone to unload to.

b) Someone to walk all over

I was using meaning "a" in my original post. But in order for you to say she is dominant, you must be using meaning "b" (you don't have to be dominant in order to unload). And it seems like DogOfJudah was also using meaning "b" as well.

Because it means "b", unless I've missed the boat at some point where it meant "a" ??

In fact I don't get how people could possibly come to the conclusion it's "a" doormats are walked over, not unloaded onto that'd make them... A docking bay.

Quote:
"Doormat" to me is something one does to oneself, by being obsequious with some expectation that it will result in intercourse
I too feel it sums up "doormat" quite well.

From what I've deciphered, : People in LJBF think because people unload their problems onto them, means they're walking all over them. Now correct me if i'm wrong but I think listening to friends vent their problems comes part and parcel with being a friend ??
So people in LJBF think that they should be rewarded with intercourse for being a good friend or at least instantly be in a relationship of some sort, because someone trusts them enough to tell them their problems.



Last edited by DogOfJudah on 10 May 2012, 6:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

spongy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,055
Location: Patiently waiting for the seventh wave

10 May 2012, 6:19 am

Roman wrote:
PastFixations wrote:
Roman wrote:
It is common that one of the things that guys are complaining about in LJBF situation is that girls are using them as doormats. Now, I don't mind when girls are using me as doormat; in fact I feel that would bring me closer to them.

Is it not possible that they were taken in by a dominant female?
Plus if I might add, it may bring you closer but you are caught up in it that you may not know what you are getting yourself into whereas she does because of her dominance.


Maybe we are confused about the word "doormat". It seems to have two meanings:

a) Someone to unload to.

b) Someone to walk all over

I was using meaning "a" in my original post. But in order for you to say she is dominant, you must be using meaning "b" (you don't have to be dominant in order to unload). And it seems like DogOfJudah was also using meaning "b" as well.

The way I understand it the doormat person that we usually speak of on LJBF is someone that does anything for the other person and does a great effort making sure that the other person is pleased with how they are being treated... I dont think thats whats happening on this scenario.

This is someone listening to someone elses troubles. As far as I know that pretty much comes along with the friendship aspect and I talk/hear my friends issues... the only thing you can say is that they truly wanted to be your friend and they werent just trying to let you down easily.

I could be wrong though



PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

10 May 2012, 6:29 am

Personally I think I now get what you mean by meaning a. but I don't think doormat is the word your looking for.
What I assume you mean by people who unload is more to do with people that say too much negativity and make someone comfort them. Thus the one that is comforting them feels like they have to be with that person because of their destructive thoughts.
Is this what you mean, Roman?


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


Roman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,298

10 May 2012, 7:01 am

DogOfJudah wrote:
Because it means "b", unless I've missed the boat at some point where it meant "a" ??


If it means "b", then this would mean that LJBF-ed guys do something to their rejectors BESIDES listening to their problems. If so, what is it? Are they talking about helping them fix their car, or what? Because the only complaint I read was listening to them unloading, and that was it.

By the way I do get the whole concept of what you are saying that they are trying to please the woman to get into her pants. But what exactly do they do to please her APART FROM what was covered in "a".



Roman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,298

10 May 2012, 7:04 am

PastFixations wrote:
Personally I think I now get what you mean by meaning a. but I don't think doormat is the word your looking for.
What I assume you mean by people who unload is more to do with people that say too much negativity and make someone comfort them. Thus the one that is comforting them feels like they have to be with that person because of their destructive thoughts.
Is this what you mean, Roman?


What I meant was that -- according to other people's posts -- the girl that LJBF-s a guy would subsequently use that guy to unload her negative emotions and get him to comfornt her. Now, in my case there is a role change in that I am a guy and I do unloading, and also I am not rejecting her (I want to be with her) but I do unloading anyway. So I was discussing whether that "role change" is unusual or not and also the kind of message that it might send the girl.



edgewaters
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,427
Location: Ontario

10 May 2012, 7:21 am

To my mind nobody can make someone else a doormat. The doormat must choose to behave in an obsequious manner. Listening to someone is not obsequious.

At the risk of being too blunt - I think you overestimate yourself here.



DogOfJudah
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 30 Apr 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 385
Location: Here

10 May 2012, 7:28 am

Quote:
What I meant was that -- according to other people's posts -- the girl that LJBF-s a guy would subsequently use that guy to unload her negative emotions and get him to comfornt her.


Eh ?? Friends are meant to listen to friends problems and be there for each other no matter how negative the problems are, a problem shared is a problem halved.
The biggest clue they're friends being the fact they've been "LJBF" usually makes this pretty clear, to abandon someone because they're not interested sleeping or being in a relationship with you is plain silly.

Quote:
Now, in my case there is a role change in that I am a guy and I do unloading, and also I am not rejecting her (I want to be with her) but I do unloading anyway. So I was discussing whether that "role change" is unusual or not and also the kind of message that it might send the girl.


Friendship is a two way street, so no it's not unusual for you to swich roles in the slightest, if anything it shows you trust her too, but if shes just not interested in you then she's not interested in you.